Our Love Story
by thecarouselneverstopsturning
Summary: This story takes place 20 years before Outlook. It is about KL's romance of how they got together before the events of Outlook, and there is a third Forman child named Brianna. I am bad at summaries; just Read, Review, Favorite, and Follow- feedback is very much so appreciated! RK,KL,ED,JH,FC. DISCONTINUED BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTENT ON CONTINUING THIS.
1. Main Title: Concert and Vista Crusier

AUTHORS NOTE: Hi, this is my new story which takes place 20 years before Outlook. This a "What-if?" story bascially in which there is a third Forman child named Brianna who is six, and KL got together earlier. It brings most of the show's plots- but with a twist.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

 **Point Place Wisconsin.  
February 26, 1975.  
8:47 p.m.  
Location: Eric Forman's Basement.**

(Eric, Hyde, Kelso, Brianna and Donna are sitting in Eric's basement. Hyde and Kelso are sitting on the couch, Donna is sitting in a chair on the right, playing with Brianna, and Eric is sitting in a chair on the left. You can hear sounds of a party going on upstairs.)

HYDE: Eric, it is time.

ERIC: Why don't you do it?

HYDE: It's your house.

KELSO: Your house!

HYDE: Listen to them up there. (points up) The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

ERIC: If my dad catches me copping beers he'll kill me!

HYDE: I'm willing to take that risk!

KELSO: Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving…

DONNA: And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

ERIC: What's wrong with your dad's hair?

DONNA: Just don't look at it.

BRIANNA: Oh.

HYDE: (grabs Eric's face) And Eric. Cold. Definitely cold.

(Eric nods and begins to run up the stairs. Then he pauses, looks back down, and continues.)

(upstairs. There is a party going on among the grown ups. Kitty is circulating through the throng of people. Song: "Love Will Keep Us Together " - Captain & Tenille)

KITTY: (singing) 'Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone.'  
(Eric almost runs into her) Oh, oh, watch it Eric! Hot pizza rolls! (turns)  
Coming through! Hot hot!

PERSON: Kitty? Where are you?

KITTY: (sets down pizza rolls) Ok, take two! There's plenty, there's plenty! Coming! Is everybody good? I know, I know! Vienna sausages are so versatile! Ha ha!

(Eric reaches for some beers, runs into Bob Pinciotti)

BOB: Hi there Eric!

ERIC: Mr. Pinciotti!

MIDGE: So Eric, how do you like Bob's new hair? Isn't it groovy?

ERIC: (looking at her rack) It's incredibly groovy Mrs. Pinciotti.

BOB: Ah, yeah, it was Midge's idea!

MIDGE: It's a perm.

(cut to Eric reaching for more beers)

RED: Eric?

ERIC: Hi dad!

RED: What the hell happened to Bob's hair?

ERIC: Beats me.

RED: His head looks like a poodle's ass. Boy, just when you think you've seen everything…

(He leans down behind the counter and doesn't notice when Eric grabs two beers.)

ERIC: A poodle's ass walks into your party!

RED: (coming back up) Eric! Don't use the ass word. You're still in high school, and your little sister can hear you.

ERIC: Yes, sir.

KITTY: Ok! Pigs in a blanket! Hot hot!

MIDGE: Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?

BOB: Red? A Toyota?

RED: Yeah, it's mine. I tell ya, the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine it was shooting at me.

KITTY: Well, honey, it is the gas crisis, what can you do?

RED: And you know Bob? Those SOB's at the dealership offered me a lousy four hundred dollar trade in on the Vista Cruiser.

BOB: Eh, what'cha gonna do?

RED: It'll rust in the driveway before I trade it in.

KITTY: Honey, it is rusting in the driveway.

ERIC: Hey, pop! I'll take the Cruiser off your hands. I don't care if it's a pump sucker!

(he accidentally holds up his hands to show the beer cans he's holding.)

RED: What you got there, Eric?

ERIC: Beer…I found it…just sitting…you know…around.

RED: Well, put 'em away, son.

ERIC: Oh, I intend to, sir.

(He starts to walk back down to the basement.)

KITTY: Oh, honey, honey. On your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge? They're warm! (she hands him two more beers. Eric takes his good luck into account and then speeds down into the basement.)

(back in the basement. Hyde is looking at a porno magazine. He leans over to show Kelso, and Donna covers Brianna's eyes. Song: "Jackie Blue " - Ozark Mountain Daredevils)

HYDE: Check that out.

(Donna walks over and sees the magazine.)

DONNA: I see that everyday.

(Eric runs down the stairs with the beers in hand.)

HYDE: He's alive!

ERIC: Good news! (handing out beers as he talks) My dad is thinking of giving me the Vista Cruiser!

BRIANNA: Dad is thinking of giving you a car?

KELSO: You're getting a car?

DONNA: Oooh! Have I told you how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?

ERIC: No!

KELSO: You told me he was cute.

DONNA: (bashful) No, I didn't.

KELSO: Well, I remember cause you said not to say anything in front of Eric.

(Eric looks uncomfortable.)

HYDE: Let's focus on what's important here, people. Forman stole something. To Forman! (Raises his beer.)

ALL: To Forman!

ERIC: You know what's sad? This is the proudest day of my life! (He breaks down in mock tears, and Hyde "comforts" him.)

("That 70's Show" theme song plays)

(Eric, Donna, Jackie and Michael are all sitting and watching The Brady Bunch in Eric's basement. Donna is sitting on the floor in front of Eric, who is on the couch along with Michael and Jackie. The sound isn't on and Donna and Eric are filling in their own words.)

ERIC: Wow, Marsha! A football in the face! That's gotta hurt!

DONNA: Ouch! My nose!

ERIC: That's gonna be huge in the morning!

DONNA: Huger than my boobs?

ERIC: Well, bigger than the left one!

JACKIE: Why are we watching this without the sound? I am totally confused!

ERIC: Here, use the earphone.

(He hands Jackie the earphone. Donna gets up and moves to the chair to the right of the couch.)

KELSO: So, what's the deal with the Vista Cruiser?

ERIC: The deal is there is no deal yet.

JACKIE: (listening to the TV through the earphone.) Shhhhh!

KELSO: (whispering) How are we gonna get to the concert?

DONNA: Shut up!

JACKIE: What concert?

KELSO: Ah…heh…Todd Rundgren.

JACKIE: When?

KELSO: This weekend.

JACKIE: Oh. Who's going?

KELSO: Uh…Eric and Donna and me and Hyde and the foreign kid Fez. Pretty much everybody. (He pauses. Jackie nods, urging Kelso to say what he doesn't want to.) And…you…

JACKIE: Oh! Good, good, good, good. Thank you for telling me Michael!

ERIC: Um, I'm getting a soda! (he hops up)

DONNA: Me too. (gets up)

KELSO: Yeah, me too. (he starts to get up)

DONNA: Sit down!

(she pushes him back on the couch. Eric and Donna leave. Jackie stands.)

JACKIE: You don't want me to go to the concert, is that it?

KELSO: I didn't know if you liked music!

JACKIE: Michael!

KELSO: I didn't invite you to the concert because I know you really don't like my friends.

JACKIE: Did you tell them that?

KELSO: No!

JACKIE: Michael! Don't tell our private conversations to other people Michael. We have to have our own private conversations!

KELSO: Also, I didn't think you'd be interested in Todd Rundgren, I mean, like you said. He's no Frampton!

JACKIE: I love Todd Runderman! I have the forty-five of "Hello, It's Me"! Remember the night we listened to it? (she sits down on his lap.) We can have fun at the concert. Especially in the car on the way back.

KELSO: Ok, you can go!

JACKIE: Only if you want me to.

KELSO: Oh, I want you to! (jumps on her. Eric and Donna come back down to see them wrestling with each other.)

ERIC: Jackie! I guess you're going to the concert with us.

(Jackie jumps up.)

JACKIE: Yeah! Mmm hmm! I can't wait. (she turns back to Michael) So, Michael. Do you wanna go back to my house and listen to Todd Grunyen records?

KELSO: Yeah, sure.

JACKIE: Ok. Bye! (they leave. Donna and Eric put their arms around each other and wave up the stairs.)

ERIC: You kids have fun! Bye!

DONNA: Bye bye now! Oh, they're so darn cute! The minute you turn your back they go at it like dogs.

ERIC: Ooh, they're frisky! (They sit down on the steps.)

DONNA: Can't leave them alone!

ERIC: No. (pause) You know, my sisters think that we shouldn't be left alone.

DONNA: Us? (They snicker) We're alone now.

ERIC: Well. Yeah.

DONNA: (Takes her arm off him) Eric, relax. We've lived next door to each other forever. You could've had me when I was four.

ERIC: Really. And there I was all day long on the hippity hop. Stupid, stupid, stupid! (He bangs his head on the wall. Donna pushes it back against the wall.)Stupid! (He turns Donna's head away from him.) Stupid.

(Eric is standing outside and talking.)

ERIC: Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I've known you practically my whole life. I want you. I want you so bad.

(Donna comes up behind him.)

DONNA: Eric, it's a car.

(Kelso comes up.)

KELSO: Let's just leave these two kids alone.

DONNA: Yeah.

(They start to leave, then Donna's dad walks up.)

BOB: Hey, hi there Donna.

DONNA: Hey dad.

BOB: Eh, you kids. Standing around the driveway. It's so darn cute! (Pinches Donna's cheek) You know, you may not realize it, but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.

ERIC: So it's all down hill from here, sir.

BOB: Yeah.

(He leaves)

KELSO: What the hell happened to your dad's hair?

DONNA: He got a permanent.

KELSO: So that's permanent?

BRIANNA: Your dad's hair looks like a poodle's ass. (Donna laughs and praises the little girl)

(The gang is at the Hub. Fez is watching Hyde play pinball. Jackie, Michael, Eric and Donna are sitting around a table drinking cokes and talking. Song: "Space Truckin' " - Deep Purple)

FEZ: I may not say this right because I am new to English…but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

JACKIE: Michael, who is this guy?

KELSO: Oh, that's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.

JACKIE: What'd we exchange for him? (She stands up.) Donna, I have to go to the ladies room. (Donna looks uncomfortable.) Donna! (Donna gets up and they go off to the bathroom.)

FEZ: I too must go to the bathroom. Eric?

ERIC: Oh, it doesn't work that way with guys.

HYDE: Kelso, how much longer are we gonna have to deal with the whole "Jackie" experience?

KELSO: Don't worry. I'm breaking up with her.

HYDE: Never gonna happen.

KELSO: It's over! She's cutting into my free time.

(Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso are all sitting around a table getting high.)

HYDE: So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?

KELSO: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money cause, the Cruiser's a boat.

ERIC: I know it's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites.

FEZ: Who's getting a boat?

HYDE: There is no gas shortage, man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like, there's this guy who invented this car, that runs on water, man. It's got a fiber glass air cooled engine and it runs on water!

FEZ: So it is a boat.

HYDE: No, it's a car. Only you put water in the gas tank instead of gas! (he starts to laugh.) And it runs on water man!

KELSO: (Laughing) I never heard of this car! Hey, Jackie's good for gas money!

ERIC: You are such a whore!

FEZ: When does the boat get here, whore?

(They all laugh)

RED: (From offscreen) Eric!

ERIC: Yeah dad?

RED: I need to talk to you!

(Eric is sitting in the kitchen and Kitty and Red are talking to him. The wall behind them is swaying back and forth. Brianna is drawing)

RED: Eric, your mother and I have been talking. Since I've been cut back to part time at the plant, and the uh…the hospital is so close, I can take the Toyota to work and your mom can take the bus.

(Eric just stares at them and blinks.)

KITTY: Honey, honey, really, I-I'd rather walk. When I ride the bus in my nurse's uniform, people always show me their scars.

RED: Then I'll drop you off on the way to the plant.

KITTY: Well, no, I don't want to be any trouble.

RED: Then Eric can take you.

KITTY: Oh, honey, he's a teenager. He doesn't wanna drive me…

RED: Well if he can't drop his own mother off for work, well then, I'll be damned if he's getting a car.

KITTY: Ok.

ERIC: Excuse me. Am I getting the car?

RED: I didn't say that. Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric. Not in this life!

KITTY: Car is a responsibility.

RED: You'll need insurance. Do you have any idea how much insurance is?

KITTY: A car is a privilege.

RED: Oil changes, road flares, fluids! That's your job!

KITTY: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

RED: Always yield. Always!

KITTY: Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen!

RED: And if I find one beer can in that car, it's over!

KITTY: And no donuts either. (Red stares at her.) Ants.

ERIC: So…do I get the car?

(Red tosses Eric the keys. He catches them.)

ERIC: Bitchin'!

RED: Eric! Not in front of your mother, and little sister.

ERIC: Thank you Pop. Sir.

RED: Yeah, well. Clean the attic.

(The driveway. Eric is sitting in the car, Michael and Donna are standing outside. Kelso opens the door.)

DONNA: Kelso, that's sweet.

KELSO: Actually, I'm riding shotgun.

DONNA: No, you're not!

KELSO: Well, I'm not riding in the back!

DONNA: Why don't we let Eric decide?

(They lean down to see Eric in the front seat.)

KELSO: Eric?

ERIC: Kelso. (Kelso starts to climb in the car.) Get in the back. (Kelso almost falls. Donna gets in the front. Red walks outside.)

RED: Taking her for a spin, eh?

ERIC: Yes sir.

RED: Well, have a good time. Oh, uh, one more thing. Very important. About the car. She's old, so, no trips out of town. Ever. Understood? Well. Have fun!

(He leaves.)

ERIC: Well I guess that's that. We're not going.

DONNA: Eric, do you wanna go?

ERIC: He said no trips out of town!

DONNA: It's your car! Do you wanna go?

ERIC: Well, he's god!

KELSO: I think god would want us to go to Milwaukee!

DONNA: Eric, you are a 17-year-old man. I'm gonna go with whatever you say. It's your decision.

ERIC: It is my decision. (Donna nods.) And my decision is…we're going to a concert!

(Donna and Kelso cheer.)

(Kitty and Red are sitting on the couch. Kitty is sewing and Red is reading the paper. They hear the car start.)

KITTY: Huh. Kids are off. Wonder where they're going.

RED: Out of town.

KITTY: Are you sure?

RED: Of course. I told 'em not to.

(Kitty nods.)

KITTY: So I guess they'll be gone for a while.

RED: Yeah. (pause) Let's go.

(They jump up and run upstairs.)

(The gang is in a car shop. Kelso, Eric, Donna, Jackie, Fez, and Hyde are standing around the car.)

KELSO: I'm telling you, we're out of gas!

ERIC: We're not out of gas.

BENNY: It's the battery. It's six years old and shot to hell.

JACKIE: I know what. I'll just call my dad.

ERIC: Kelso, tell her.

KELSO: We can't take the car out of town.

JACKIE: I'm not calling his dad.

HYDE: Jackie, parents talk to each other. About how we screw up!

JACKIE: Why would they talk about that?

ERIC: They can't help it. Look, say there's a party, see…(cut to a party scene with the adults)…and all of our parents are there. Together.

(Eric is speaking for all of them.)

JACKIE's DAD: Hi, Red! Hey, isn't it great all our kids are such good friends? (Red smiles.)

BOB: Yes, Jackie's dad! They're quite the gang of young people! Ha ha ha!

MIDGE: Kitty, I love what you've done with the kitchen!

KITTY: Yes, aqua and yellow! Blah, blah, blah! Yak, yak, yak!

JACKIE'S DAD: Speaking of kids, wasn't it lucky triple A pulled Eric's butt out of the fire when he took the car to Milwaukee without your permission?

RED: What? Why that twisted little monkey. I'm grounding him for ten years! Ha!

JACKIE'S DAD: Kids. What're you gonna do?

RED: I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice! Ha ha ha!

MIDGE: Hey everybody! Let's hustle!

ALL: Doot doot doot do doo do doo doo doo…

(Cut back to the garage. Everybody but Jackie is dancing and singing.)

JACKIE: Hey, guys! We are in the middle of nowhere. And I have to go to the ladies room. (Gets her purse out of the car.) Donna! (Donna rolls her eyes and goes.)

BENNY: So. Where're you going?

HYDE: Rundgren concert.

BENNY: Cool. So, what, do you want a battery? Cause, uh, I can get you a battery.

Eric: Are they cheap? Or, possibly free?

BENNY: Thirty-two bucks. Minimum.

KELSO: Alright, I'll tell you what. We'll trade you our battery plus five bucks for one of your batteries.

BENNY: Well, that's a really sweet deal, my friend. But how 'bout this. How 'bout one battery for two concert tickets?

KELSO: No. We can't give up two tickets.

BENNY: Ok. (Walks away.)

ERIC: Hey, it's either that or none of us go.

KELSO: So who's out?

HYDE: Well, there's always Jackie!

KELSO: Of course Jackie! I mean, Jackie's gone! But who else?

ERIC: Oh, I don't know…Jackie's date?

KELSO: Come on! You know I'm breaking up with her! You guys are chumping me out!

ERIC: I've had to listen to her for a good hour!

FEZ: A really long hour!

KELSO: God hates me! (He hands over his tickets.)

FEZ: How can you say god hates you? At least you have a woman's love. Be happy! Whore.

(At the concert. Benny and his date are sitting with Donna, Eric, Hyde and  
Fez. Jackie and Michael aren't there. Song: "I Saw the Light " - Todd Rundgren)

FEZ: Hey, guys! Benny dated a man!

DONNA: I'm ok with it.

ERIC: You are so cool to be ok with it!

BENNY: I have to go to the bathroom. (He stands.) Kevin! (His date stands. They both leave.)

(Fez turns to Eric in curiosity.)

ERIC: I'll explain later.

(Jackie and Michael are in the car. Jackie sits up.)

JACKIE: This isn't working.

KELSO: (Sits up.) No. It's a boy scout belt. The buckle's got safety…

JACKIE: No, no, no, Michael. Before you speak, please hear my words. I think we should break up.

KELSO: Now?

JACKIE: You're not having a good time.

KELSO: I'm having a good time!

JACKIE: Really?

KELSO: Yeah!

Jackie: Oh, Michael, I am so glad you don't wanna break up. You were so nice to give your ticket away so you could be with me.

KELSO: Well…yeah!

JACKIE: That says…you don't need music, concerts, friends…you know what you need Michael.  
(pause)

KELSO: I don't know.

JACKIE: ME! You need me! M-E Michael!

KELSO: Yeah! I-I-yes!

JACKIE: (nodding.) You're just to shy to say that. Lover. (they lay back down.) So. When were you a boy scout?

(Donna and Eric are laying on their backs on the car in his driveway. Song: "Hello, It's Me " - Todd Rundgren)

ERIC: What a great night. I mean, it's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for you. I mean, there's-there's a whole world that's waiting to be driven to. We could go to…Canada! We got a new battery, what's stopping us?

DONNA: You know, I think Canada closes at nine thirty.  
(They chuckle.)

ERIC: You know I never would have done this if you hadn't talked me into it.

DONNA: I didn't talk you into anything. Well, I'm gonna call it a day. (sits up.) Goodnight. (she leaves.)

ERIC: Goodnight.  
(She comes back.)

DONNA: By the way, thanks for the ride. (She kisses him.)

ERIC: (Sits up) What was that for?

DONNA: I just wanted to see what it was like.

ERIC: What was it like?

DONNA: You were there!

ERIC: I…I wasn't ready for it!

DONNA: What would you have done differently?

ERIC: I don't know. Something with my lips.

DONNA: (nods) Sounds good. Let's try that next time. (She leaves.)  
ERIC: When exactly is next time?

DONNA: (From off screen) Goodnight!

ERIC: Yeah, I'm really gonna sleep after that! (he lays back down)

(END OF CHAPTER ONE.)

AUTHORS NOTE: Ok, that concludes 1x01. In the next chapter(1x02), Laurie makes an appearance and hits on Kelso. Read and Review, please. Thank you!


	2. Birthday Party

Hi, thanks for the reviews but just to clarify- the show's script wasn't entirely used. I just need to use some of it to keep me grounded, and I'm not very confident about my writing as much as I used to be. So guys please stay with me on this, I promise it will get so much better in the later episodes of S1. I promise guys. There might be scene that's a bit R.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

Point Place Wisconsin.

March 17, 1975.

4:32 p.m.

Location: Eric Forman's Basement.

The gang are in the basement, watching TV.

HYDE: Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?

ERIC: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.

HYDE: Okay does it bother anybody else they live down the track from Hooterville?

DONNA: It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.

Kelso laughs.

KELSO: With the dog...

JACKIE: It isn't the drinking water. It is the water for the train.

DONNA: It's still three naked women with a dog.

FEZ: I want to be the Hooterville dog!

Kitty enters, coming down the stairs.

KITTY: Youhou... Coming down... Now don't mind me. I'm just putting some clothes in. Eric, honey, I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice, you look so handsome in it.

ERIC: Why would I wanna dress nice on my birthday?

KELSO: It's your birthday?

KITTY: Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday... (Laughs)

Eric groans.

ERIC: Mom. Mom! Do not throw a party for me.

KITTY: Oh well, listen to Mr. Popularity. Like I have time to plan you a party. Oh, um, by the way, your older sister Laurie is coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason, she just is. (Rolls her eyes)

Kitty exits, going upstairs.

DONNA: Well, you're getting a party and best of all it's a surprise!

KELSO: I just realized Donna's older than you.

DONNA: Only by a month.

FEZ: Good for you Eric!

ERIC: Good for me what?

FEZ: In my country, it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman.

ERIC: Fez... Fez!

FEZ: No, they come with life-stock.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

ERIC: Morning.

RED: Morning.

BRIANNA: Morning, big bro.

Eric is about to open the fridge when Kitty slams it shut.

KITTY: Uhn, uhn. I'll get it!

She gives him a bottle of milk. She turns around to give him a bowl while Eric starts opening a cupboard. As before, Kitty violently closes it.

KITTY: Uhn uhn, I'll get it.

She gives him a box of cereal.

ERIC: Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?

KITTY: They were on sale, and it's for Brianna's class.

ERIC: Please don't throw me a party!

KITTY: I'm not throwing a party.

RED: Don't give him one.

KITTY: I'm not.

RED: He's too old for a surprise party.

KITTY : I'm agreeing with you.

RED: Then stop yelling.

KITTY: I'm not yelling.

ERIC: Look, I know money is tight so, I don't want a big birthday.

RED: I'll decide when money is tight. Now, what kinda gift do you want? Don't worry about the cost... As long as it's reasonable.

ERIC: Okay, I would like a cassette player for the car. A cassette, not an eight-track. No eight-track, okay?

KITTY: You know, I don't know why they just don't put record players in cars.

ERIC: The point is I don't want an eight-track tape player.

RED: Then you won't get one.

KITTY: Oh, but honey he wants one.

ERIC: No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.

RED: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.

ERIC: Doesn't have to be a Delco. It's just for music.

RED: Oh now, see now, there's your first mistake. Parts have to be compatible Eric. You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are ya?

ERIC: No sir. He pauses. Well I'm going out.

KITTY: Oh, oh, good. I want you to run to the store for me before you go to school. Get a large can of frosting and fifteen small bags of M&Ms, plain not peanuts." She pauses. "They're for your sisters.

Eric exits, hitting his head on the door.

KITTY, laughing: "That was close!"

DRIVEWAY

Guys are playing basketball.

JACKIE: So?

DONNA: What?

JACKIE: What are you gonna get Eric for his birthday?

DONNA: I don't know. Nothing seems right. I want to give him something special.

JACKIE: He kissed you!

DONNA: Shh! Shh!

JACKIE: Get in the car! Donna, get in the car so we can talk.

Girls get in the car.

JACKIE: Okay, what happened?

DONNA: Jackie, I'm not gonna talk to you about this!

JACKIE: And who are you gonna talk to?

They look at the guys who are making farting noises with their armpits.

DONNA: Okay. We get home from the Rundgren concert and I'm sitting on the hood of the car... And I kissed him!

JACKIE: French or American?

DONNA:I can't believe I'm talking to you about this.

They both look again at the guys who are carrying Fez in a bungie.

FEZ: Guys, No!

DONNA: Okay! So. Look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life and we talk about everything together. We love the same music, we love the Packers. Then I kissed him and everything changed. And now I don't know if he's my boyfriend, or if he's my best-friend . If he's my boyfriend, I lose my boyfriend. If I screw it up, I lose my best-friend and my boyfriend. Now I have to give him this gift and I don't…"

JACKIE: Donna. Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.

DONNA: A scented candle?

JACKIE: It's practical and romantic. Oh yeah!

FORMAN BASEMENT.

Laurie is in the basement folding clothes in a sweat-shirt only when Kelso and Fez get in, arguing over the ball.

FEZ: I had the ball last, I win!

KELSO: No, you didn't win.

FEZ: Yes, had the ball last and...

The guys look at Laurie which is bent over, getting something out of the dryer.

FEZ: Holy Mother!

KELSO: Hello Laurie.

LAURIE: Hello Kelso, Hyde.

FEZ: Who is the goddess?

KELSO: The goddess is Eric's older sister.

HYDE: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type which works for me.

ERIC: Laurie.

LAURIE: Eric.

ERIC: Shouldn't you put some clothes on?

LAURIE: Why?

ERIC: Aren't you a little cold?

LAURIE: "No, in fact I'm hot.

ERIC: Oh, well then why don't you go upstairs?

LAURIE: I am waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer. And I want you to stay off my case. It'll only take me a minute.

ERIC: I don't think Kelso is gonna last that long!

LAURIE: Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this. I'm wearing underwear, see?

She pulls up her sweat-shirt while all boys but Eric groan in desire.

LAURIE: If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.

HYDE: If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.

LAURIE: So I understand you have the wagon now. I want to borrow it tomorrow night. I need it.

ERIC: Okay, but I need a favor.

LAURIE: For you? I don't think so.

ERIC: Come on. Look, just tell mom I'm too old for surprise parties.

LAURIE: But you're the baby and Momma loves her baby.

ERIC: If you do it, you can borrow the Vista Cruiser.

LAURIE: All night.

ERIC: All night?! Fine!

LAURIE: Then it's a deal. Baby. (Looks at Kelso seductively)

Laurie exits going up the stairs.

KELSO, laughing: Wouhouhouhouhou! Oh! Yeah! Your sister wants me! I mean you saw her coming on to me right?

Fez is about to talk but Hyde keeps him back.

HYDE: Let him go!

KELSO: Remember? I said 'Hello Laurie' and Laurie said:

LAURIE: Hello Kelso. I'm waiting and I want you baby, to take me now. I need it bad, I need it all night. And Momma loves her baby. I'm completely naked under this and I'm hot for you Kelso!

KELSO: What? You didn't see it?

LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

Laurie leaves the basement after doing her laundry. Brianna goes to Laurie in her bedroom.

BRIANNA: Laurie? Why do you have a lot of boyfriends?

Laurie tries not to look bad.

LAURIE: I just love a lot.

BRIANNA: I hear things.

LAURIE: Like what?

BRIANNA: Bad things. I hear people call you a whore. I don't like that.

LAURIE: Don't listen to them, sweetie.

BRIANNA: I can't help it. I wish you'd find a good boyfriend and get married. I don't think you're happy being with all of these guys. I think if you found a good guy you'd be happy.

Laurie, who is a whore and not cared for, is confused by Brianna's concern.

LAURIE: Why do you care?

BRIANNA: Because I love you. You're my sister. I want you to be happy.

Laurie nearly breaks down in front of her sister. Nobody has ever shown that kind of love for her before. Aside from Red seeing her and Brianna as his little girls and Kelso being her best friend out of all the guys, Brianna is the only person in this world who seems to genuinely care for her. She puts on a smile for her.

LAURIE: I will try.

Brianna smiles and gives her big sister a hug.

BRIANNA: I love you, Laurie.

LAURIE: I love you, too, Brianna.

Laurie gives her little sister a kiss on the head. Brianna leaves Laurie's bedroom. As Laurie watches her leave, a tear streams down her face. Brianna is telling her something from inside the heart. Brianna is exactly like the kind of child that Laurie wants. But Laurie knows that she'll only get a child if she settles down. Brianna is her message and sign.

LAURIE: (to herself) I'll do it for you, Brianna.

DINING ROOM THAT EVENING.

RED: Get out of the yard! Damn cats. (He sits down.) So, how's your friend Janice?

LAURIE: Pregnant.

KITTY: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

ERIC: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall…

RED: Eric, for God's Sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

LAURIE: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom and Brianna do too.

KITTY: Well, I just don't like my little boy banding those words about. You're still my baby!

She wipes his mouth with a napkin.

Brianna looks sad at her mother.

BRIANNA: I thought I was the baby!

ERIC: Thanks mom! Laurie?!

RED: Quit staring at your sisters and eat your carrots.

LAURIE: Oh yeah, Eric wanted me to tell you that he thinks he's too old for a party. Keys?!

KITTY: There's no party! Laurie, loose lips!

ERIC: Oh Laurie, I just remembered, I can't loan you the Vista Cruiser on account of I hate you.

RED: Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser. It's old and undependable. It could break down and you'd be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's okay for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. Oh and here's a twenty.

LAURIE: Will that cover gas?

KITTY: Oh well, it should. Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.

ERIC: I could probably use some gas money.

RED: Yeah. And if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

BRIANNA: Funny one, Dad!

ERIC: Shut up!

The family goes back to eating dinner.

LIVING ROOM IN DAWN.

Doorbell chimes, stair-lights go on.

ERIC: Coming. I'm coming!

Eric opens the door to find Donna.

ERIC: Donna, Donna, it's three AM! Are you crazy?

DONNA: Crazy? Crazy in love with you! What is it about you that drives me wild with desire?

ERIC: Well, I am fifteen now.

DONNA: Shut up and sit down!

They sit down.

DONNA: I have to give you your birthday present. It can't wait any longer. Close your eyes!

He closes his eyes. She puts in his hands he nightgown.

ERIC: This is my birthday present?

DONNA: No, that's my nightgown. I'm your present. Open your eyes birthday boy!

He opens his eyes to find a platter with two fried eggs on it.

HIS FAMILY: Surprise!

He is in his BEDROOM.

He screams.

KITTY: Birthday breakfast! And this is it young man! A few gifts tonight the end! And it is too late to change your mind about a party now so don't think you're getting one or you will be sorely disappointed!

Kitty exits, laughing all the way.

RED: Happy birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself!

Red exits.

ERIC: Thanks mom, dad.

LAURIE: Hey little brother, nice tent!

BRIANNA: Yeah, nice tent!

BASEMENT.

The whole gang is reunited and they're all sitting properly, well dressed.

ERIC: Look, I know what you're all doing here.

KELSO: What are you talking about man? We're just hanging out like always except we're dressed nice but that doesn't mean anything.

Kitty goes down a couple of steps.

KITTY: Hi kids. Um, I need your help with something. Jackie, Donna, Michael, Steven , young man with an accent could you give me a hand? Not you Eric!

They all go upstairs. Eric sits alone in the basement.

ERIC: God, I can't take it!

He wants to exit by the basement door only to find Red standing guard there.

ERIC: But I...

RED: No.

ERIC: No, I...

RED: No!

Kitty enters again by the stairs.

KITTY: Eric, honey, honey, could you come up here for a second.

She starts up the stairs

KITTY(voice OS): Shut up he's coming!

VOICES (OS): SURPRISE!

LIVING ROOM.

Eric tears open a package.

ERIC: Wow, I mean yeah!

KITTY: It's an eight-track tape player!

ERIC: I see that!

RED: Just what you asked for!

KITTY: You made such a big deal about it, I wrote it down!

Another package is torn open.

ERIC: Cassettes! Great, thanks Hyde.

HYDE: You're welcome! (Pats Eric on the back)

KITTY: Oh! Let's put them in the eight-track and play'em!

Another package.

ERIC: Hey! It's a hot shave dispenser!

KITTY: Oh! He won't need that for a long time! A long, long time!

MIDGE: Of course he will! He's almost like a man!

Kitty starts crying.

DONNA: I got you something.

JACKIE: No! Donna help me find my purse. NOW!

Jackie drags Donna to the kitchen.

DONNA: Jackie, you didn't even bring a purse!

JACKIE: Duh! You can't give him your present in front of his guy friends!

DONNA: I am one of his guy friends!

JACKIE: Look Donna, I have put a lot of thought into this gift. Please do not wreck this for me!

DONNA: I'm sorry. I guess I was being selfish!

JACKIE: It's okay.

LIVING ROOM.

Laurie goes up to Kelso.

LAURIE: This party is lame, let's go upstairs.

Kelso grins.

KELSO: Oh-yeah!

Brianna smiles. Her plan is working, as her sister found the perfect guy; the guy her sister's been in love with for years. Everybody knew they were head-over-heels with each other for years. The only problem is that he is dating Jackie.

LAURIE'S ROOM.

KELSO: So, what are we gonna do?

Laurie smiles at him.

LAURIE: We are going to have sex.

He grins, and starts to kiss her neck. He is doing it with Eric's older sister; his dream for years. He looks in her green eyes.

KELSO: You are so beautiful. You know that, right?

She laughs, and he pulls her shirt off- letting it drop to the floor. Then he unhooked her bra and she wiggled out of it, afterwards he removed her pants, leaving her in just her panties.

Screen turns to black, as we don't need to see what they do afterwards.

LIVING ROOM.

RED: Okay, it's time we disappeared.

KITTY: What? Honey, honey, the party just started.

RED: I know, that's why we're going over to Bob's.

KITTY: Well, I wanted to give Eric a party.

RED: And you did.

Red pulls Kitty up and says to the gang:

RED: "You make a mess, you're all grounded.

BOB: You darn kids.

KITTY: You know, what if they run out of ketchup or something?

RED: Let's go!

Kitty struggling not to go with Red.

KITTY: Well, we have more buns and sweet pickles if you don't like the dills.

RED: Eric, don't let your dumbass friends corrupt Brianna. I don't want any of you dumbasses to corrupt my little girl.

The parents exit, as Kelso and Laurie come back down. Her hair is a bit messy and their clothes are weirdly tousheled.

LAURIE: Okay, I'd love to stay but I'm leaving.

ERIC: Hey, buy us some beers, we'll pay double.

LAURIE: Do you really think that beer will make your little party better?

GUYS: Yeah.

LAURIE: I admit it, it would give you young people a sense of maturity, but it would be a false maturity and that would be wrong.

ERIC: So you're not gonna do it?

LAURIE: Of course not. Now I'm going off to join my legal friends at a party, with a keg. Bye.

Laurie waves and is going for the door. Kelso runs to the door and stands beside the stairs ramp.

KELSO: So, Laurie, where is the party, you know, maybe we'll cruise by later.

LAURIE: In your dreams you idiot. (She smiles and blows him a kiss)

KELSO: Okay, you guys had to see that!

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

THE PARENTS are sitting at the table.

BOB: Three fours! I need them.

MIDGE: Bob is very good at Yatzi!

KITTY: The liquor cabinet!

RED: It's locked!

KITTY: What if there's an emergency?

RED: They'll call.

KITTY: What if they run out of chips?

RED: They'll starve!

BOB: I'm gonna fix myself a Tom Collins. Red?

RED: No, Kitty needs one.

KITTY: I am just so worried. Oh My Lord! Laurie's leaving!

RED: Oh Honey, she's in college, she doesn't wanna hang around with them!

KITTY: Well, maybe I should make a call, just in case!

Red leaps up and takes the phone.

RED: Kitty, what could happen?

KITTY: What could happen? Well, plenty could happen! Oh, Plenty!

Kitty imaginates the whole scene:

FORMAN'S LIVING ROOM.

Donna and Jackie are dressed up as prostitutes, with big afros. Kelso and Hyde as pimps and Fez is dressed up as a gangster. (All the dialogues are said by Kitty.) Brianna is in the kitchen.

DONNA: Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want!

JACKIE: Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?

Kelso jumps over the couch.

KELSO: Hey look, coasters!

HYDE: Forget coasters!

They throw them.

ERIC: Please fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason!

HYDE: I think I'm gonna put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring!

Hyde puts his glass down and turns it a few times.

ERIC: Noooo! Why, oh why, didn't I beg my mother to stay?

FEZ: Quiet you silly American! I am making a long-distance call on your parent's phone!

ERIC: But that's immoral!

FEZ: Hah! In my country, of where ever it is I am from, I can never tell, morals get in the way of a good dirty time. But first, I need to eat some chips.

Fez goes to the Chips bowl.

FEZ: What? Out of chips? Now I am mad! I must shoot something!

Fez takes out a gun.

ERIC: Not the littlest hobo!

Fez shoots it.

ERIC: WHY?!

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

RED: You're overreacting!

Bob hands her the drink.

Midge gets up, holding a little book.

MIDGE: Oh Kitty, when Valerie went off to school, I felt the same way. But this little book of poems helped me. It's called "Verses From An Empty Nest

BOB: Read her that one about the little bird that lost it's way.

MIDGE: Oh Yeah.

Midge opens the book.

MIDGE: The little bird that once did sing, Is now alone with broken wing.

BOB: Oh God!

Kitty empties her drink in one swallow.

KITTY: Yup, that sounds nice. I need a refill.

RED: But honey, usually you only drink one.

KITTY: Well, tonight I'm having two.

Kitty looks at Bob and he refills her glass.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

Jackie is giving Donna pointers on how to act with Eric.

JACKIE: Wait on the porch and I'll get Eric.

DONNA: It's dark out there.

JACKIE: And you're giving him a candle. Yeah! Here, matches.

Jackie gives Donna the matches.

DONNA: He might not want to light it.

JACKIE: Don't say that! Don't even think it! Now, when he opens it, he'll say cool, or something and then you give him a look, like this.

Jackie tilts her head and bats her eyes. Donna looks bewildered.

FORMAN LIVINGROOM.

FEZ: So, what did you get from Donna?

ERIC: Nothing yet.

KELSO: Ohh! Maybe it's the big gift! You know, the really big gift! You guys know what I'm saying when I say the big gift, right?

HYDE: Yeah, we got it. And we got it.

FEZ: I'm not even from here and I got it!

Jackie enters.

JACKIE: Oh Eric, Donna's on the porch.

KELSO: He's getting the big gift!

FORMAN 'S BACK PORCH.

Eric unwraps the gift.

ERIC: Oh, a scent candle! This is very cool

DONNA: Oh, it's nothing.

Donna does the move Jackie told her to do.

ERIC: Are you okay?

DONNA: Oh, I'm fine! Yeah.

ERIC: Cause you, you had a look like you might be sick or something.

DONNA: I am just being completely stupid.

ERIC: Hey, that's my job!

DONNA: I was worried about the gift.

ERIC: Why? This is a very cool gift. I'd light it if I had matches.

DONNA: Oh, here.

Donna puts the matches on the candle.

ERIC: You thought of everything.

Eric puts the candle on the railing.

DONNA: Well, Happy Birthday.

Their hands are on the railing and slowly he puts his hand over hers. They look at each other. Suddenly, a crash is heard and they pull back their hands.

Kitty and Red are back and Kitty is drunk.

KITTY: Ooohhhhh! Look at this! oohhh, We never thought to put a candle out here. Ohh, it is just so romantic!

RED: Let's. Let's keep moving, there's nothing to see out here.

Kitty and Red go in.

ERIC: Thanks, thanks dad.

KITTY(O.S): Oh, we have candles in the bedroom, don't we?

Kitty and Red laugh Off Screen.

Eric and Donna are turned off.

PORCH AND A VIEW ON THE KITCHEN.

Eric and Donna are now sitting, the candle is lit and is on Eric's knees. The rest of the gang is spying on them from over the kitchen counter.

JACKIE: This is it, he's going for it!

KELSO: Uh uh. It's his birthday, she should kiss him first.

JACKIE: She did it last time!

HYDE, FEZ and KELSO: What?

JACKIE: Nothing! Shut up and watch.

HYDE: Come on Forman, go for it!

ERIC: The door is open, we can hear you. We can see you!

Jackie, Fez, Kelso and Hyde duck behind the counter.

FEZ(O.S): Is he kissing her?

HYDE(O.S): "None of us can see them Fez.

FEZ: Eric, are you kissing her?

Donna shuts the kitchen door and Eric blows the candle.

END OF CHAPTER TWO.

Authors Notes: It's 3am and I am exhausted. Sorry I lied about the R-rated part, but I'm not good at writing smut, so anyone who wants to write it can PM me. Next chapter is "Streaking" (1x03) Read and Review, chapter please. Good night.


	3. Streaking and Kelso's feelings

Authors Note: Hi. Me and my grandma are watching the show from the beginning now, we are on "Sunday, Bloody Sunday"(1x10) In case you are wondering about Brianna's handness since RK have different handness, (Laurie and Red are left-handed) she's a leftie; since well I'm left-handed too. Enjoy chapter!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

THE BASEMENT.

Hyde and Fez are standing in the doorway, Kelso is in front of them.

KELSO: Push, push, come on you gotta push it!

HYDE: How much longer?

KELSO: Ten seconds. You gotta push harder, it's not gonna work!

HYDE: This is so stupid!

KELSO: It's not stupid, you're gonna love it!

HYDE: I'm not, not gona love it.

KELSO: Okay, that's time. Step away from the door!

Fez and Hyde step away, with their arms up, as if they were gonna fly.

FEZ: Kelso, you're a genius!

KELSO: Yeah, well, it's magic.

Eric comes down the stairs with two sodas in his hands

JACKIE: Oh my god, finally, I am so dehydrated!

ERIC: Oh here, Piggly-wiggly diet cream soda.

He hands her a can.

JACKIE: I told you my top three choices were Tab, Fresco or Diet Rite.

ERIC: Again, you get Piggly-Wiggly diet cream soda.

JACKIE: Then, I'll just have water.

DONNA: You know, there's a hose in the back yard.

KELSO: I've noticed that the pop selection has really went downhill since your dad got laid-off.

ERIC: He's not laid-off, he's just part-time. And shut-up!

Kitty comes down the stairs in a hurry.

KITTY: Kids, kids, kids, kids kids kids kids kids kids, the President's coming!

ERIC: What President?

KITTY: The President of the United States, Gerald R. Ford. The thirty-sixth, eighth, fortieth, I don't know, he's the President!

She runs to the back room.

ERIC: Why would Ford come to Point Place?

JACKIE: Because. We are a whistle-stop along his Wisconsin campaign trail. My dad organized it!

Kitty is running back to the stairs holding small US flags, but stops and turns to Jackie.

KITTY: Dear, the next time you know a President is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vacuum. Eric, you tidy up this basement! A pie! I gotta make a pie!

She runs back upstairs.

ERIC: Wow, the President's coming.

KELSO: You know what we should do. That door thing again!

THE GUYS: Yeah!

The guys run back to the doorway of the back room.

OPENING CREDITS.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: So, how's the car?

ERIC: Real good.

RED: By real good you mean you rotated those tires like I asked you to?

ERIC: Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?

RED: You're being a smartmouth?

ERIC: Yes, and I'm sorry.

Brianna laughs. Kitty puts a dish on the table and she sits down

RED: Tuna casserole again?

KITTY: Well, okay, how about we don't pay the car insurance and we'll all have steak!

RED: Alright.

BRIANNA: Yeah

KITTY: Well, just imagine, President Ford is coming here. Red, we need to get rid of the oil stains in the driveway.

RED: It's not like he's coming to our house. And if he did, I'd kick him in the ass.

BRIANNA: Funny one, Dad!

KITTY: Stop it, how can you say that? You voted for Gerald Ford.

RED: Dammit. Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.

KITTY: But, he still is our President.

RED: Oh, the boy's old enough to hear that kinda talk. Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guada-what-the-hell-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

KITTY: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

RED: Eric, we're waiting.

ERIC: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

RED: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're on for Miss America.

BRIANNA: Good one!

Red smiles at his little girl.

ERIC: Shut up!

THE SCHOOL GYM.

SPEAKER: Settle down and we'll start the assembly. Now, concerning the canned goods drive, motor oil is not a food. I'm sorry it's not and all your booing isn't gonna make it one. Now, as you all know, President Ford will be visiting our fair city. And I know there's some of you near-to-wells out there that might be planning some sort of quote unquote social statement type protest.

HYDE: I can't believe this, who cares if Ford is coming.

ERIC: It's better than when the Oscar Meyers weenie mobile drove through.

DONNA: They didn't even stop! They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hotdog whistles at us.

HYDE: Two girls in a phallic RV, driving around handing out things you blow… What a great country.

(Each time the speaker says a sentence or so, a light lights up above one of they guy's heads. First Hyde, then Eric, Kelso and finally Fez. You will know it when I put three periods.)

SPEAKER: So let me tell you another thing, mister or misses, punk. Protesting accomplishes is nothing… Oh sure, you might see a chance to prove your manhood or show you're cool… But this is our President, our President darn it! So no shenanigans, you hear me?… If that's your kind of attitude, you might just go home right now!

The EXIT light lights above Fez's head and he leaves.

BURKHART'S LIVING ROOM

The men are all smoking cigars.

Mr. BURKHART.: So President Ford should be arriving at noon.

Kelso and Jackie come in.

KELSO: Oh man, deviled-eggs. Are these for anybody, dude?

JACKIE: Hi daddy, hi Mister Pinciotti.

She gives her father a kiss hello.

Mr. BURKHART: Hi kitten, now look, we're talking about adult stuff here. Why don't you and your friend head up to your room?

Jackie and Kelso look at each other and go out of the room running.

Mr. BURKART: Now, the most important part of our presidential rally is the town's people Q&A section.

BOB: Just so everyone's clear, the Q stand for question, the A for answer. All your Jeb.

Mr. BURKHART: This is when normal folks step up to the microphone and ask the President questions, now you the important thing is to chose the right person. A working class guy, your average Joe. I guess someone you and I would call loser.

A light goes up over Bob's head.

FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY

BOB: So of course I thought of you. We'd like you to ask President Ford a question. So, what do you say to that?

RED: I say no thank you and I want my crescent wrench back.

KITTY: I'll do it.

BOB: No, no, you keep working on your pies, and take care of your adorable little girl.

Kitty smiles and goes inside.

BOB: Just imagine Red, you the little guy get to have your opinions heard by the most powerful man in America. Take advantage of this opportunity!

A light goes on above Red's head.

RED: Turn that light off!

ERIC: Sorry.

THE BASEMENT.

HYDE: Look guys, we gotta do something that says we will not pay an homage to a corrupt electoral system.

FEZ: I know, a bloody coo!

HYDE: That's good, but we're looking for something great. Something that will make our founding fathers proud man, ya know?

KELSO: Let's streak!

HYDE: Bingo!

KELSO: I've always wanted to do that. Just run butt naked through a sea of people. Be free and shake it around! Alright, who's in?

Brianna is watching it from the stairs.

BRIANNA: Eww!

FEZ: Will people be chasing us with tortures and pointy sticks?

KELSO: No.

FEZ: Then, I am in!

KELSO: Great! Eric are you in?

ERIC: Streaking, don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro nudity, but I think my dad might kill me and I'm anti being killed.

HYDE: Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, ya know?

DONNA: Good point.

HYDE: Oh, and I could write some really great slogan like 'I hate the fuzz!' on my ass!

Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, well then you just shave it off.

Time Lapse: The guys are in the circle now.

KELSO: Eric, I totally did it with Laurie at the party!

ERIC: WHAT?!

KELSO: I mean...she took advantage of me! I'm violated.

HYDE: You idiot, your thumbs are still up!

KELSO: Huhuhh acting's hard!

ERIC: Shut up perv! That's my sister! Come on!

FEZ: I know! It was forbidden, taboo, titilating ..(takes bite out of his banana)

HYDE: Isn't it ironic? That titilating has the word (he gestures) tit in it?

KELSO: Oh man, that reminds me...

ERIC: NO SHUT UP! I swear to God, if you say one more word about my older sister I'm gonna tell Jackie!

KELSO: Man... I'm breaking up with Jackie...

HYDE: Right...right.. you forgot you had this huge bitchy anchor tied around your neck ..pfrrtt..it could happen...

KELSO: I have feelings for her.

ERIC: You have feelings for my big sister?

KELSO: Of course. I always loved Laurie.

HYDE: Ooh, Kelso's in love with Laurie!

ERIC: Shut up!

THE DRIVEWAY.

Donna and Laurie are on the front of the Vista Crusier.

LAURIE: Donna, you have to help me.

DONNA: With what?

LAURIE: I have feelings for Kelso.

DONNA: You what?

LAURIE: You heard me, I have feelings for Kelso.

DONNA: This is so big! When did it happen?

LAURIE: Ever since I can remember.

DONNA: Who knows?

LAURIE: Well, Brianna does.

They continue talking, and Brianna looks out from the sliding door. She smiles. Her plan is working; Laurie fell for Kelso, and he fell for her.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

Bob is wearing a striped jumpsuit.

BOB: Pretty snazzy, uh?

DONNA: Looking good dad.

BOB: I got one for you too.

MIDGE: We're gonna wear them to meet the President!

DONNA: No, no way!

BOB: Honey, you're missing the big picture. Let me get the other jumpsuits, you'll see.

He goes to the living room.

DONNA: Mom, why are you doing this?

MIDGE: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.

DONNA: MOM, eww!

MIDGE: No, not that. I love that. I meant like fishing.

The look on Donna's face says everything. Bob comes back.

BOB: See, when we stand together, we're the American flag.

Donna groans.

DONNA: I'm not wearing a stripped jumpsuit

MIDGE: Oh.

BOB: No honey, you're the field of blue.

DONNA: Bye now.

Donna puts the jumpsuit on the kitchen table and leaves.

BOB: But Donna, you're part of the family! Oh, my this hurts.

The phone rings. Bob picks it up.

BOB: Yello.

RED: Good news Bob, I've been thinking about it and I've decided I will ask Ford a question.

BOB: Oh geez Red, this is good news. And I could sure use it right about now.

RED: Yeah, well, glad I could help.

Red hangs up. Kitty is cleaning the kitchen counter.

RED: Oh, I'm gonna ask him a question alright. And it's gonna be a damn good one.

KITTY: Red.

RED: Now don't worry, I'm simply gonna ask him how the hell he's gonna fix this economy!

KITTY: Oh, honey, he wouldn't know that, he's the President!

SCHOOL CAFETERIA.

Donna and Eric are sitting at a table. Fez joins them.

FEZ: All this food for 45 cents. It is unbelievable.

Fez takes a bite of the content of the plate. And he puts down his fork. He pushes away his platter.

FEZ: Oh, I see.

Hyde and Kelso join them. They are all on one side of the table.

HYDE: So Forman, the rally's tonight man, what's your decision?

KELSO: Yeah, are you gonna streak or not?

DONNA: Don't pressure him.

ERIC: No, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm in.

HYDE: Alright.

DONNA: Well, you're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.

KELSO: A bunch of naked idiots.

ERIC: Thanks Kelso. (He puts his hands in Front of him, as if in prayer.) Look, we must keep this quiet, it can't go beyond this table. If my father finds out what we plan, he will nail me to the wall.

The scene changes. Lights are on the guys heads. Jackie comes.

JACKIE: Why are you all sitting on one set of the table? Huh?

The scene changes to 'The last supper'

THE FORMAN KITCHEN.

Kitty is taking a pie to the counter. Brianna is drawing, and Red is writing. (First hint that he is left-handed)

KITTY: "Okay now, make way for my presidential pies. See, cherry, mock-apple, blueberry. See that, red, white and blue. It's like the beginning to "Love American style" in pie! Look, look at it. See, honey, you're not looking.

RED: Yeah, pie.

ERIC: Hey dad, mister Pinciotti wanted me to give you this.

RED: What is it?

ERIC: That's your question for President Ford.

RED: But I'm working on my question for President Ford.

ERIC: Right, well, this is the one the comity made up for you.

RED: What has been your favorite parade? This is ass-night!

KITTY: Macy's.

ERIC: Oh, no contest.

KITTY: Right.

ERIC: Can I borrow your trench coat?

RED: I can ask the President any damn thing I want. It's my right! I'm not gonna be a puppet for Bob's comity.

ERIC: Right, I'll take good care of it and I'll bring it back as soon as I possibly can.

KITTY: Honey, just take the coat and leave.

RED: No, Eric, a man has to stand up, and be heard. I will not sit quietly by while every thing is taken away from me. They took my job, my stability, now they wanna take away my right of free-speech.

KITTY: You still have the Toyota, it gets great mileage.

RED: Where's the America that I knew as a boy? Where? You tell me dear God, where?

ERIC: Okay, I really hate being in this room right now.

Eric leaves running.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

The guys are dressed in trench coats and Donna is looking at them.

HYDE: Okay, when the President starts his speech here, I'll blow my Oscar Meyer whistle, and we go.

ERIC: Did you write I hate the fuzz on your ass?

HYDE: Yeah. Do, uh Laurie, here's your lipstick back.

LAURIE: Keep it.

ERIC: Hey, you've got the masks?

HYDE: Yeah, I've got three Snoopies and one Nixon.

FEZ, HYDE and KELSO: "Not it!"

ERIC: Damn, Fez, how did you know how to do that?

FEZ: My country invented not it.

KELSO: Right, so, can we go already? I'm itching to release the hound here!

HYDE: It's go time.

The 4 guys put their hands together when Kitty comes out of the house with a pie. Brianna follows her out.

KITTY: Oh, now well look at you guys. What is it with you young people and Colombo?

ERIC: Bye.

They go. Kitty puts the pie in the trunk of the car.

KITTY: Bye. Aren't you going Donna?

DONNA: No, my dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit. I don't know if I can do it. It's just too embarrassing.

KITTY: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high-school graduation 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn't come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?

DONNA: No.

KITTY: All families are embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing, then they're dead.

SCHOOL HALLWAY.

HYDE: Alright, try to blend in, huh.

A Guy is talking to Jackie. Kelso spots them and goes to them. Laurie is behind him.

KELSO: Jackie, I need to talk to you.

JACKIE: What is it, Michael?

KELSO: Jackie, I'm breaking up with you.

HYDE: And why?

KELSO: Because I'm in love with Laurie.

LAURIE: You love me?

KELSO: I've always loved you. It's always been you.

He wraps his arms around her, and kisses her. Eric becomes disgusted.

ERIC: Kelso, stop mauling my big sister.

DONNA: Let's go.

ASSEMBLY ROOM.

Bob and Midge are standing in front of the audience.

MIDGE: There's supposed to be a blue field of stars there.

Donna comes in wearing her jumpsuit.

MIDGE: Oh honey.

Donna takes her place.

BOB: Now if we just start to say back and forth, it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.

DONNA: Oh God!

The Guys come in.

KELSO: Hey guys, there's another guy in a trench coat.

FEZ:I bet he's a streaker too.

ERIC: No Fez, he's with secret service.

FEZ: How about that man?

ERIC: Yeah, Secret service.

FEZ: And that man.

KELSO and ERIC: Yeah.

FEZ: And that man with the dog?

GUYS: Yeah.

FEZ: Oh, the dog is looking at us. Come here boy.

ERIC: No Fez!

HYDE: Oh! Man, I just thought of something.

GUYS: What?

HYDE: What are we gonna do with our trench coats? I mean after we rip them off, we can't come back here and get 'em.

GUYS: Oh, shucks!

HYDE: Oh God, this is all my fault! You know what? I'll hold the coats, you guys streak.

GUYS: Thanks.

KELSO: I just thought of something too. We're naked, and there's a lot of dogs here! Maybe we should just sit down.

HYDE: I'm in.

ERIC: Me too.

FEZ: Me too.

HYDE: Okay.

Mr. BURKHART: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Gerald R. Ford!

Ford comes in. He falls. The audience starts applauding again as he gets up… and falls again… and again, and again.

LATER.

Donna is kind of hiding and listening at the speech. Eric comes to her.

ERIC: Hey, what are you doing hiding over… Ookay.

DONNA: Back off. I am a flag. Are you gonna streak?

ERIC: No, we took a vote and it's unanimous. We're all very chicken.

DONNA: That's too bad. It's been a while since I've seen you naked.

ERIC: You've never seen me naked.

DONNA: Like a zillion times! We were kids and you were always running around the neighborhood naked screaming Wee-Wee Pee-Pee!

Mr. BURKHART: Now it's time for the Q&A portion of our program. First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman. Red is the father of three wonderful children and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed while being cut back to part time at the plant is beyond me. Now he doesn't blame the President for his misfortune, no sir, he only blames himself. I give you Red Forman.

Red gets up and goes to the microphone.

RED: Um… Mr. President…

The camera goes to Eric and back to Red.

RED: I uh…

The camera goes to Kitty and back.

RED: I uh…

The camera goes to Mr. Burkhart.

Mr. BURKHART (slow motion): Come on Red.

Then it goes to Kelso.

KELSO (slow motion): Your dad is bombing!

The camera goes to Eric, then to Red to Eric and back to Red. Now it goes to the audience. To the dog. And Back to Eric who puts his mask on, throws his coat on Donna's face and goes into the room.

ERIC: Wee-wee Pee-pee, Wee-wee Pee-pee!

Kitty covers Brianna's eyes. But Brianna can still see it all. Eric screams and runs to the other door, followed by the secret services agents.

Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

BRIANNA: Yay, daddy!

The audience applauds Red. MR. Burkhart is disgusted.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Brianna is sitting on the couch, reading a book. Eric comes in, fully clothed this time.

BRIANNA: Hey big bro.

ERIC: Hi little sister. Hey um, Dad did good job at the rally today.

BRIANNA: Uh-huh. Not bad… he told me he kinda stumbled there at the start, but he thinks he nailed the president with a good one.

ERIC: Anyway it was, it was pretty cool.

BRIANNA: Yeah well Dad told me that, sometimes a man's gotta do what he thinks is right. Oh yeah, I know you were the streaker.

Eric becomes alarmed.

ERIC: Please don't tell Dad, he will kick my ass so hard!

Brianna laughs.

BRIANNA: Don't worry, I won't.

Her big brother starts to laugh to.

ERIC: Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna call it a night.

BRIANNA: Alright big bro. Goodnight.

Eric gives her a kiss on the head.

ERIC: Goodnight baby sister.

Eric starts going up the stairs.

BRIANNA: Oh, and next time, don't wear black socks. You look like an ass.

TAG

FORMAN DRIVEWAY THE NEXT AFTERNOON.

DONNA: How could they not catch you?

ERIC: I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.

DONNA: So true.

ERIC: Hey you didn't, you didn't see anything, did you? Brianna told me that she saw me.

DONNA: No, well, maybe just a bit. But not, not the bit.

ERIC: Wait, what do you mean bit?"

THE END.

Authors Note: OK, next chapter will be "Battle of the sexists"(1x04) Read and Review, please. Good night!


	4. Basketball and first date

Authors Note: Hi, sorry for the long wait. First of all I'd like to thank Nannygirl and DCN8943 for the reviews: you are both amazing writers. There may be a scene that's a tiny bit steamy later on.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

Brianna is at the top of the basement stairs writing. Her plans have come to fruition. Meanwhile her brother and his friends are trying but failing miserably to resist Jackie's demands.

BRIANNA: (To herself as Jackie is saying "I'm waiting") Dear diary, my plans have worked. Laurie has stopped seeing other guys and got with Michael, the man she truly loves. I couldn't be more happier. While Kelso still acts like a child, he's growing up to be the man my big sister deserves. I hope everything works out.

By the time Brianna finished writing her happy thing, her brother gave into Jackie's demands.

JACKIE: Thank you. Now, Michael, call me at eight o'clock.

KELSO: Why?

JACKIE: I want you to describe the show to me like you use to.

Kelso, no longer a pushover for Jackie, stands his ground.

KELSO: Jackie...I'm not calling you. I'm with Laurie now. I'll do my Chico impersonations for her now. Not you.

Eric and Hyde glance at each other. Oh, snap. Kelso just stood up to Jackie.

Jackie, heartbroken, walks up the stairs. As she passes Brianna, she accidentally sees her words implicating the little girl as the reason Kelso left her for Laurie. She gives her a nasty look. Brianna, unaware of this, is frightened.

BRIANNA: Why are you looking at me like that?

JACKIE: You little monster.

Jackie runs into the first floor and can be heard running out of the house.

Back in the basement, Eric is talking smack to Kelso.

ERIC: Why can't you date someone else besides my older sister?

KELSO: Like who?

ERIC: I don't know, maybe Barbara Vanson.

KELSO: But she's annoying like Jackie; I don't want to be with anyone like Jackie.

ERIC: But I don't…

KELSO: You know what, Eric? I don't care. I love Laurie. You better accept that. I'm not leaving her. If you can't accept that than we can't be friends…

Kelso gets up and walks out the basement door. Brianna overheard this. Her feelings are mixed now. She's happy for Laurie and Kelso. But she doesn't want Eric and Kelso's friendship to end over it.

HYDE: Wow, Forman. I can't believe I'm saying this but...he's right. I may not care much about love or relationships. Especially when it comes to your older sister and Kelso but...maybe we should lay off, man. It's not our place. All we can do is make fun of them. Breaking them apart would just ruin that.

Hyde laughs. Eric thinks for a moment. Maybe he's right. It's not his place to tell Kelso to stop seeing his older sister. And Hyde is right on the fact that they could have fun making fun of them. It should be entertaining.

ERIC: You're right. For laughs, man. For the laughs.

Brianna smiles and continues writing.

BRIANNA: (to herself) As long as he doesn't break them apart, I don't care if Eric accepts just for the laughs. He may even change his mind and appreciate their relationship.

*IN THE STREETS plays. OPENING CREDITS*

We get the usual Vista Cruiser opening. However, one of them has Michael and Laurie together. He's driving while she lays her head on his shoulders. They're totally in love.

Brianna is sitting next to them. Just gazing at her "work." She has the "Look what I did. I made this happen." expression. So proud of her accomplishment.

Eric and Kelso are playing basketball outside the Forman driveway. Eric is being an arrogant idiot, thinking he's all great. Kelso is getting bored.

ERIC: Forman has the ball. He fakes left. He fakes right. The crowd is on their feet. They're chanting "Forman! Forman!"

Before Eric can say more, Kelso snatches the ball and makes a basket. He wins the game.

KELSO: That's game.

Donna gets up.

DONNA: I've got winners.

KELSO: No, I've got to go. I'm gonna go upstairs to see Laurie.

We follow Kelso as Eric and Donna play basketball. Kelso goes upstairs. As this happens, Red appears from the den. He's suspicious.

In Laurie's bedroom, they begin to make out. They're smiling and giggling. We've never seen them like this before. Laurie was always just about the sex and Kelso was just being abused by Jackie. This is a good scene. We're seeing two people actually enjoying each other's company without it being fake.

LAURIE: I love you, Michael Kelso.

KELSO: I love you, Laurie Forman.

She plays with his long hair and stares into his eyes. She knows that he means it. They continue to kiss when…Red walks in.

RED: Hello, dumbasses.

They're caught. Brianna, from her bedroom, is horrified by what she sees. Her father is about to break her hopes and dreams.

BRIANNA: (to herself) Please, Daddy. Don't do this.

In the garage, Red closes the door. Kelso stands tall. No longer willing to be afraid.

RED: So, you're seeing my daughter. Now I know my oldest daughter is seventeen and, therefore, I can't stop you two from seeing each other. But I can. I can kill you.

KELSO: If you think that you threatening me is gonna stop me, it won't.

Red gets into Kelso's face.

RED: You know I've fought two wars. I can do things to you that even a regular killer can't. I will if you don't stop seeing my oldest daughter.

KELSO: Then do it.

Kelso pulls out a switchblade, opens it, and places in Red's hand.

KELSO: Do it. Because I won't stop seeing her. I love her. I'd do anything for her. Even if it means to die just to show her that I would never leave her even if means being murdered by her father. Because I love her.

Kelso puts Red's knife-held hand to his neck. Daring his. Red is actually shocked. This guy is serious. He means everything. Red is actually impressed by this. Kelso is not only standing up to him unafraid, but he's doing it for the love of Red's oldest daughter. This man may just be worth it.

RED: You really mean all of this?

KELSO: Look into my eyes, Red. I mean it. I love your daughter. More than you can ever imagine.

Red looks into Kelso's eyes. He sees right through his soul. It's there: Laurie is inside of him. And that's all Red needs to see to finally understand.

RED: Okay. But if you break her heart...I'm breaking your entire body.

KELSO: Yes, Sir.

The two men smile and shake hands. Red is giving Kelso his approval.

RED: You take care of my little girl.

KELSO: With all my life.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

DONNA: Pinciotti the underdog! Up by five. She fakes right, she fakes left, she fakes right then left, she fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she actually fakes…

ERIC: Donna! What are you doing?

DONNA: Running out the clock.

ERIC: There is no clock!

Donna shoots over him and scores.

DONNA: Sucker!

ERIC: I gotta go inside, but I'll leave a light on. I don't want you to gloat in the dark.

He starts going in.

DONNA: Well, hey Eric, don't you want your balls back?

He comes back.

ERIC: Okay, now look, that's a little uncalled for.

Donna shows him his two basketballs.

ERIC: Uh yeah. Thanks.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

Everybody but Laurie, are at the table eating dinner.

RED: Is this table wobbling?

KITTY: I, I don't think so.

RED: No no, no no, it's definitely wobbling.

KITTY: Honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.

RED: Gimme a hand Eric, we're gonna flip this table over.

KITTY: Honey, Honey, we're eating, we're eating.

ERIC: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.

RED: Sugar packet? That's what's wrong with this damn country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They're all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I'm getting a saw!

He gets up.

ERIC: Mom, has dad gone crazy?

KITTY: I'm afraid so dear.

Brianna scoffs.

THE BASEMENT.

The boys are in the circle. Kelso looks so proud of himself while Eric looks bad.

KELSO: So Donna beat you at basketball?

HYDE: Who cares about that? I wanna know why you look so proud.

KELSO: Red caught me with Laurie. He tried threatening me...but I told him how it was.

Eric starts laughing.

ERIC: Right. You did not.

KELSO: Did so. Gave him my knife to threaten with him and told him to murder me if he didn't like me seeing Laurie. When he realized how serious I was, he was impressed. Shook my hand and everything.

ERIC: No way.

KELSO: Way.

In the kitchen, Eric goes in where his parents and Brianna are at. Red is trying to fix the table. But it's in a bad angle.

ERIC: Say Dad, I heard something happened in the garage last night.

RED: Yeah. I caught Kelso with Laurie. Tried to threaten him but he wouldn't back down. Looked me in the eye, gave me his knife, and told me how he felt and that he wasn't going to stop. Impressed the hell outta me.

Eric, shocked, just walks away. Red appears to be done with the table.

RED: Solid as a rock.

KITTY: Sure is. Thank you.

Brianna is just smiling after hearing how things went between Red and Kelso.

The table is tilted. Kitty puts a pitcher of lemonade and a glass carefully on the table.

KITTY: Now, um, why don't you go watch TV while I get lunch ready?

Kitty puts a cantaloupe on the table and holds it there while she reaches with her other hand for the knife.

RED: Kitty, take your hand off of that melon.

KITTY: You know, you haven't gone fishing…

RED: Kitty, take your hand of that melon.

Kitty takes her hand of the melon and it rolls off the table.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

BOB: Well, I gotta get back to work. Midge, this table is a little wobbly stick some sugar packets under it, will ya?

The phone rings. Midge answers.

MIDGE: Hello?

JACKIE: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

MIDGE: Donna, it's for you!

DONNA: Hello?

JACKIE: You beat Eric at basketball, how could that happen?

DONNA: So, I beat Eric at basketball, what's the big deal?

JACKIE: Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff! Okay it is like in 'West Side Story', now, if Maria beat Tony at one-on-one, they would never have fallen in love.

DONNA: Yeah, and Tony never would've been killed in that knife fight.

JACKIE: And neither will Eric if you're not careful!

DONNA: No, don't worry about it, someone will stab Eric. BYE!

Donna hangs up.

MIDGE: Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.

DONNA: What?

MIDGE: Certain things change.

DONNA: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. Now sometimes he wins and sometimes I win.

MIDGE: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.

DONNA: That's insane! If women don't wanna stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.

MIDGE: Oh, honey, men don't control the world.

Bob reenters the room.

BOB: Okay, I'll see ya later.

MIDGE: Honey, could you open this jar for me?

BOB: Sure thing pudding.

After putting more strength in it, he opens it.

MIDGE: Oh, I'm so lucky to have my big strong grizzly bear around.

Bob roars and they kiss goodbye.

DONNA: First of all, yuck! Second, things don't even work like that anymore. That's what the equal right amendment is for.

MIDGE: That's good to your use and your principles. And forty years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.

Back in the Forman kitchen. Red is fixing the table when Brianna comes up.

BRIANNA: Daddy?

Red stops fixing the table and turns to his little girl.

RED: Yes, sweetie?

BRIANNA: Do you think I'm pretty because at school, some girls told me I was ugly?

RED: Aww sweetie, you aren't ugly; you are gorgeous just like your mom and big sister. Don't listen to them.

BRIANNA: Really?

RED: Of course. You are the most sweetest little girl. Me and your mother were talking about how lucky we are to have a daughter like you.

BRIANNA: Thanks, daddy.

They hug and turn over to find Kitty smiling. He continues to fix the table

Red: Bingo!

Red pulls the chair and sits in front of the table which is now too short…

RED: Oh crap!

KITTY: No, no no no! Now, look, we'll get rid of these chairs and we will sit on the floor like those nice Japanese people in "Flower Drum Song"!

RED: I'll have to make new legs for that damn thing. I'll be in the garage if you need me.

KITTY: Okay, well now, you take your time and you do a good job. You call me if you need anything!

RED: Shh!

KITTY: I mean if you…

RED: Shh Shh! Is it me or is that refrigerator too loud?

KITTY: What refrigerator? Red, there is no noise. There is no noise.

Red goes to the fridge and Kitty starts singing.

KITTY: You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole word on a …

DRIVEWAY.

Eric is shooting some hoops, Donna comes over.

DONNA: Hey nice shot.

ERIC: Thanks.

DONNA: You wanna play?

ERIC: I don't know.

He shoots the basketball and it goes in directly, not even touching the rim.

ERIC: Okay, why not. Alright games to twenty one, I'll take it out first.

Eric dribbles past her and scores.

DONNA: Have you been practicing?

ERIC: Well, a little…

Donna starts dribbling, but she does it really awkwardly. Eric steals the ball and scores.

DONNA: My goodness, what a super shot!

ERIC: Donna, what the hell are you doing?

DONNA: I'm loosing to you, you big strong grizzly bear.

She roars and looks like she shouldn't have done it.

ERIC: Donna, you're intentionally throwing the game.

DONNA: I'm throwing the game?

ERIC: Donna!

DONNA: I didn't want you to feel bad about loosing to a girl again!

ERIC: Well, thanks, 'cause being pitied is so much better.

DONNA: God! I can't believe you care about this! All I did was beat you at a few lousy games!

Kitty comes out of the Kitchen and hears most of the conversation.

ERIC: A few? No two, try two lousy games. Not a few, two. And I don't care so please leave my propriety.

DONNA: As long as you don't care.

ERIC: God!

Eric throws the basketball at the garage. He sees Kitty.

ERIC: Have you been standing there the whole time?

KITTY: No, I came out to get one of your father's tools. He's in there working on my refrigerator! So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough patch.

ERIC: No mom, we're in a school play about two people who hate each other.

KITTY: Oh, okay, okay Mr. Smartmouth! But when you get older, you are going to realize that it's pretty silly to get upset about losing a game to your girlfriend.

ERIC: You know what? I don't wanna talk to you about this.

KITTY: Oh, you know what? I don't wanna talk to you about this, but I will tell you one thing. Your father and I have played many, many games over the years and we never kept score and we always had fun. Now, what did I come out here for? Oh, your father's fixing my refrigerator.

Kitty takes a sledgehammer and hits some pipes with it.

KITTY: Red, honey, forget the refrigerator. There's something wrong with the garage door.

Suddenly the screen turns black. It opens back up to the basement, where Kelso and Laurie are on the couch.

LAURIE: Michael, there's something we need to talk about.

KELSO: Oh no, I knew this was gonna happen. You wanna break up, right?

LAURIE: Oh, no no no, I think things are going really well.

KELSO: Me too.

LAURIE: It's just that we've been seeing each other for three weeks and we haven't even gone out on our first date yet.

KELSO: Oh. Yeah, you're right. We've only been out with friends.

LAURIE: Yeah, and I think you learn a lot about a person on a first date.

They technially known each other for their whole lives.

KELSO: Like what?

LAURIE: Like sometimes their name, or if the relationship is meant to be.

KELSO: Really?

LAURIE: Yeah. An awesome first date sets the tone for the entire relationship. I saw it on a cover of a magazine.

KELSO: Just the cover? Did you read the article?

LAURIE: No, I'm not a big reader.

KELSO: We are so right for each other.

LAURIE: Unh-unh-unh. How do I know until we've had our first date?

KELSO: Okay, all right, well, where do you wanna go on our awesome first date?

LAURIE: What date? No one's asked me out yet. (Pause) Hint hint.

KELSO: Right. Laurie, will you-

LAURIE: Oops! My earring just dropped. Do you see it?

KELSO: No. Wait- wait. Oh, yeah, here it is. Got it. Where was I? Found it. (He gets on his knees and holds the earring out) Laurie will you go on a date with me?

She is about to answer when Red comes down and sees the postion his oldest's boyfriend is in. Red freaks out and pulls Kelso up.

RED: Kelso! What the hell are you doing?

KELSO: Red, I was I was about to ask Laurie a very important question.

RED: You're 16 years old. You hang out in my basement everyday with my son, Steven, the forginer, Donna, and the loud one. You wanna ruin your life forever?

KELSO: I was just gonna ask her out on a date.

Red becomes embarassed.

RED: Oh, have fun.

He exits and the screen turns black.

DRIVEWAY.

Donna is shooting some hoops as Brianna is playing with her dolls near the back porch.

ERIC: What the hell are you doing?

DONNA: Just shooting some hoops, waiting for an apology.

ERIC: Well, when you think of one, I'll be glad to hear it.

DONNA: Okay look, we are both acting like jerks. I'm sorry.

ERIC: Yeah, I'm sorry too.

DONNA: You know, maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore. Or any games for that matter.

ERIC: Yeah, maybe. End of an era, huh?

DONNA: Hey, remember when we were eight and I beat you at wrestling? That was fun.

ERIC: Donna, you sat on my chest and made me eat a clump of dirt.

DONNA: Alright, screw it, you wanna just play?

ERIC: Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, you're not gonna make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?

DONNA: We'll see.

LATER.

ERIC: Forman has the ball, he fakes left, he blows by Pinciotti.

DONNA: Pinciotti leaps on his back!

She leaps on his back and They both fall to the ground.

ERIC: What do you want?

DONNA: Gimme the ball!

They continue to wrestle.

ERIC: Okay, foul!

DONNA: So now suddenly, we're calling every little thing?

She starts crawling.

ERIC: Hey, what are you doing?

DONNA: Reaching for a clump of dirt.

ERIC: Don't!

DONNA: Must reach clump of dirt!

ERIC: Not while I still breathe!

They start wrestling since they've reached a pretty awkward position with Eric on top of her.

DONNA: What?

ERIC: Nothing.

BOB: (O.S.) Donna!

ERIC: Wait, you gotta go!

DONNA: That's my dad!

ERIC: Right.

Donna gets up and leaves.

DONNA: See ya!

ERIC: Bye. Hey wait, who won?

DONNA: (O.S.) "I wasn't keeping score!

ERIC: Cool, me neither.

Suddenly, the garage door opens and out comes Red.

RED: Well, that was pretty sad Eric.

ERIC: What?

Red: Come on, I'm gonna teach you how to play basketball. We've got four hours 'til your bed time. And we're gonna drill, drill, drill.

ERIC: But I thought that mom needed your help.

KITTY: (O.S.) I can't hear you Eric, I'm ironing. Lalalalala.

RED: We'll start you off with a hundred squat-thrusts.

ERIC: Dad, we don't even know who won.

RED: She did. Now hit it!

Eric starts doing them.

RED: One, two, three, four…(time lapse) ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.

Eric falls down in exhaustion.

RED: Okay, let's play!

That night. The door rings. Kitty opens the door to find Kelso dressed up in a suit, and has a bouquet in his hand. Eric and Brianna are behind her. Jackie looks heartbroken. Midge, Donna, Hyde and Fez enter. Bob enters a second later.

KELSO: Hi Mrs. Forman. Is Laurie ready for our date?

KITTY: (Calling up the stairs) LAURIE! Michael's here!

Laurie comes down the stairs in a long blue dress, and black heels. Her hair is in her normal style.

LAURIE: Hello Michael.

KELSO: Wow, you look amazing! (Hands her the bouquet) I got these for you.

Red comes down with his video camera.

LAURIE: Aww, roses and lillies. (Sniffs the flowers) I love you.

He kisses her hand and everybody gushed.

KELSO: We should get going.

They are about to leave when Red stops them.

RED: Wait, I need to take a picture of my oldest and her date!

They pose and smile. Brianna smiles as her plan is working. She sees that Eric is smiling too; he's finally accepting that they are couple, and they're happy together.

Screen turns black as they leave, and comes back. With a shot showing them, in the Vista Crusier and it's on the road.

LAURIE: I love you, Michael.

KELSO: I love you too, Laurie.

She knows he means it. Within one second he pulls over and jumps on top of her, kissing her neck then her lips. She breaks away for air. Then he starts to undress her. The screen fades then opens back up. Kelso has a sheet on him, and Laurie has one up to her chest. They look at each other; there is awkward air between them. They are both clutching the sheets in front of them.

KELSO: Well I've-I've never done that in a car with anybody before.

LAURIE: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

KELSO: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay?

LAURIE: Yep, yep...You?

KELSO: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You? (Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you know...in Eric's car.

LAURIE: Well... We better get going.

KELSO: Oh yeah yeah, absolutely.

LAURIE: (Starting to change) Could you not look?

KELSO: Maybe I don't wanna look.

Screen goes black.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Everybody is still there. Laurie hugs her little sister.

LAURIE: Thank you.

BRIANNA: For what?

LAURIE: For inspiring me to change. I'm so happy, Michael is an amazing boyfriend.

They hug and their parents smile at each other. Brianna goes to write in her diary and Donna takes her place on the couch.

DONNA: So, how was it?

LAURIE: It was great. I'm so happy.

DONNA: What happened after?

LAURIE: We did it in the Vista Cruiser.

Donna becomes grossed out.

DONNA: Eww! You really did it in the Vista Cruiser?

Laurie nods.

DONNA: I'm so happy for you two!

They hug as the screen switches to Hyde and Kelso, on the porch. They are drinking beer and eating cheese & fruit.

HYDE: How was the date?

KELSO: I totally did it with her in the Vista Crusier!

HYDE: Eww...how was it?

KELSO: It was awesome. She's amazing and I love her so much.

HYDE: Wow, man. That's great!

KELSO: Yeah!

They hug and the screen goes black.

The screen opens back up to Laurie's room.

KELSO: I love you so much. You are amazing.

LAURIE: I love you so much too.

They start to make out and undress each other at the same time. The screen fades to black for real, ending the chapter.

END OF CHAPTER.

Authors Note: That's the end of Ch4. Review please, thank you. Goodbye!


	5. Fatso Burger

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm back! Oh, yeah I decided who should play Brianna- she's played by a child Jennifer Larwence who is another lefty.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

INT. THE BASEMENT.

Jackie is listening to a song and lightly swaying. The song ends.

JACKIE: Ooh, ooh, I just wanna hear the guitar solo one more time

HYDE: Not again. Use the headphones.

Jackie makes a face and plugs in the headphones.

HYDE: Good, now wrap the cord around your neck

ERIC: Hey, would you guys respect me if I worked in the town dump?

DONNA: The town dump? No. Now the state dump...Why are you looking for a job?

ERIC: Everything costs money. Gas, clothes...fun.

KELSO: Kids. Kids cost money. Laurie wants kids already.

ERIC: My big sister has baby fever.

FEZ: No Kelso, that is prostitution.

HYDE: Having kids is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you wished for.

DONNA: Said the man who's never had a girlfriend.

HYDE: What, you guys don't remember Esther, the biker chick?

ERIC: Hey, whatever happened to her?

HYDE: She dating my uncle.

DONNA: Well, I'm going home for dinner. Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad are going to the Playboy Club at Lake Geneva this weekend. Do you guys want souvenirs?

HYDE: Ouh, ashtrays.

FEZ: A woman.

KELSO: Kids, and an engagement ring.

JACKIE: Your parents are gonna be out of town...Really?

Jackie looks at Eric, who's reading the paper.

DONNA: Yeah. I mean I'll be babysitting my sister Tina all weekend. Just me, alone, watching TV. I might order a pizza.

Donna leans towards Eric, who's still reading the paper.

KELSO: I got an idea! We'll have a party at Donna's. A toga party!

JACKIE: Michael, Michael! Maybe Donna doesn't wanna throw a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.

DONNA: Yeah, just me, alone. If someone happens to stop by, that'd be pretty cool. Especially Brianna. Tina likes playing dolls with her.

ERIC: My cute little sister!

KELSO: So we're on! I'll bring the beer.

FEZ: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?

DONNA: Uh, Yeah I don't care. So, um, Eric, are you gonna be there?

Eric looks up from his paper

ERIC: Yeah, yeah. That sounds fun.

DONNA: Cool. Catch you guys later.

Donna leaves.

KELSO: Woo hoo, party at Donna's!

Jackie hits Eric and Kelso on the back of their heads.

JACKIE: You are both so stupid!

ERIC: Why?

Jackie sighs and goes out.

HYDE: Well, this is a first. I actually agree with Jackie.

ERIC: What? You're saying that I'm stupid?

HYDE: Donna just put on the full court press, man, and you dropped the ball.

ERIC: What are you talking about? All she said was she'd be alone on Saturday night with a pizza… Oh God, I'm so stupid.

OPENING CREDITS.

INT. THE FORMAN KITCHEN.

The Formans, except Laurie are eating.

ERIC: So, Dad, the guys and I are thinking about getting jobs.

KITTY: No, no, no. You have a job. It's your job to get good grades, go to college, graduate and…leave me.

RED: Kitty, when I was his age I worked in a slaughter house. It was a good experience. I learned how to use a hammer.

Kitty looks disgusted and stops eating.

BRIANNA: Oh, daddy.

ERIC: Uh, the new Fatso Burger is hiring people. Jackie's dad owns it. I guess I could get a job there.

KITTY: There is plenty of time later to get a job to grind the joy out of your life.

RED: It's never too early. But let me tell you something, work is not about fun. It's about work. It's about seeing how much crap you can take from the boss man and then taking some more. Hey, look at me, only quitters quit.

ERIC: So, can I work?

RED: Well, we're sure as hell gonna find out now, aren't we?

INT. THE BASEMENT.

Hyde and Donna are talking.

HYDE: So, big party Saturday night.

DONNA: Whoopee.

HYDE: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals.

DONNA: What signals?

HYDE, IN A FEMININE VOICE: Oh no, poor me, all alone in my big house, just me and my nightie. If only there was some scrawny little neighbor boy here.

DONNA: He's not scrawny. You know, why the hell am I even talking to you?

HYDE: I'm all you got. Till Brianna comes down.

Donna collapses in the couch like at a shrink's office.

DONNA: Oh my God, so everyone knows!

Hyde picks up a pencil like a shrink would.

HYDE: I'm afraid so.

DONNA: I just wanted to spend some tme with him alone and now I can't.

HYDE: How does that make you feel?

DONNA: Frustrated! It's frustrating as hell! I mean I really put myself out there.

HYDE: I see. And do you have trouble sleeping at night?

DONNA: Sometimes, yeah I do.

HYDE: Do you think you'd sleep better if you had a scrawny little neighbor boy up next to you?

Donna sits up and glares at Hyde.

INT. THE FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: Ok, let's hear it.

ERIC, TAKING HIS HAND: Hello, my name is Eric Forman

RED: No, no, no. Not with a loose hand. Firm! Not like a fish! Again.

ERIC: Hello, my name is-

RED: No, step into it. Stand up straight.

ERIC: Straight up and hold the fish.

RED: Don't be a smartmouth.

ERIC: Right. No, no smart mouth. Hello, my name is Eric Forman.

RED: And?

ERIC: And...

KITTY: Ooh, ooh, um, tell them about your junior achievement experience.

RED: Oh, they could give a rat's ass about that.

KITTY: Ok, um, show them your honorable mention from the science fair.

RED: Again...

KITTY: Right, rat's ass. Ooh, tell them about your reaction to finding out about Brianna.

RED: Good idea. Don't slouch.

ERIC: Wouldn't that fall under the, uh, stand up straight category?

RED: See, now that's a smart mouth. You're fired Mr. Smartmouth! See, that's how that works.

ERIC: Right. I gotta go.

BRIANNA: Good luck, Eric!

Eric hugs his baby sister then leaves. Their parents are smiling. They are so happy their youngest two get along so well. Brianna is adorable, and Eric has a heart of gold. Laurie is well..Laurie. Brianna goes to play with her dolls. The parents realize it's just the two of them, and they do their "Running up the stairs" gag.

INT. FATSO BURGER.

RICKY: First of all, people who work at Fatso Burger are special. Now I know you're looking at me and wondering, "How do I get where Ricky is?" Well, if you work hard, pay attention, and use the proper finger release technique on the slant cup dispenser, you could be me. Now lets get started. Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?

ERIC: I just think it will be a wonderful experience.

KELSO: It's my girlfriend Laurie's favorite burger place. (Nudges Eric)

FEZ: I love the uniforms.

HYDE: To unionize the workers, man.

RICKY: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

ERIC: Well, I'm a real people person.

HYDE: I don't answer stupid questions.

FEZ: I speak Dutch.

KELSO: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt too.

RICKY: Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness.

ERIC: I allow people to boss me around.

FEZ: I love chocolate.

HYDE: I'm brutally honest...pinhead.

KELSO: Um...Not being able to fufil my girlfriend's wishes.

Kelso leans back on his chair and falls.

RICKY: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ERIC: Fatso Burger.

FEZ: I'm wearing gold chains.

KELSO: Rock star. Uh, no, movie star. No, yeah, rock star. Oh and having kids.

HYDE: Prison.

RICKY: Well, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming in.

Kelso puts his hand out. Ricky looks at him and shakes Eric's hand.

RICKY: Eric, welcome to the Fatso Burger family.

Screen blacks.

INT. LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

LAURIE: Did you get the job?

KELSO: No. Eric did.

LAURIE: Aww, my poor baby! I'm so sorry. My stupid little brother.

They hug and he moves his hands more down to her waist. He smells her blonde hair. It smells like strawberries. He smiles.

KELSO: I love you.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to make out, and undress each other. The screen turns black as we don't need to see what they do next.

INT. THE BURKHART'S LIVING ROOM.

JACKIE: Oh Daddy, I'm so sad.

MR. BURKHART: Why, Kitten?

JACKIE: Because Fatso Burger hired Eric instead of Steven.

MR. BURKHART: I know dear.

JACKIE: Why would they do that Daddy?

MR. BURKHART: Let me tell you a story about Doofus, Diligent, and Lovable Rogue...

The scene transforms into an old back and white film strip "The Story of Doofus, Diligent, and Lovable Rogue " with MR B. narrating, Eric as Diligent, Hyde as Lovable Rogue, Kelso as Doofus.

MR. BURKHART: Doofus is friendly, but he doesn't follow directions well. Now, Lovable Rogue is a hard ass and Diligent always does his job by the book. This is how to the book says to do it...

DILIGENT, WIPING COUNTER: Wipe left to right.

Doofus takes the cloth and blows his nose into it.

NARRATOR: Uh oh Looks like a big order just came in...

DILIGENT: Let me help guys.

NARRATOR ...says Diligent.

DILIGENT: But wait a second. Where's Doofus?

Doofus is in the toilet reading a comic while Diligent is using the urinals. Lovable Rogue is in the stalls.

NARRATOR: What do you know about that! Let's see what happens here!

DILIGENT: Uh oh, I was in such a hurry to get back to work, I almost forgot.

Diligent and Lovable Rogue washes their hands while Doofus puts his pants back on and heads for the door.

DILIGENT: Hey Doofus, you're supposed to wash your hands after using the facility.

DOOFUS: Hah, no way Diligent. That's for squares.

Doofus draws a square with his fingers and the film ends.

JACKIE: So…Steven's a hardass?

Mr. BURKHART: And how.

INT. THE PINCIOTTI'S YARD.

Midge and Bob are lecturing Donna before they leave.

MIDGE: We expect you to be responsible when we're out of town.

BOB: No parties.

MIDGE: And I want you to be nice to your sister. Don't make Tina eat dirt, I mean it.

BOB: And no boys. They only want one thing and it's a dirty, dirty thing they want. Enough said.

Eric enters, dressed in slacks, a shirt and a tie.

BOB: Hey looking sharp Eric. You and Brianna gonna be around this weekend?

ERIC: Yes Sir.

BOB: Good. Make sure no guys are hanging around Donna. Capisci?

Midge and Bob head inside.

ERIC: So, I got a job.

DONNA: Yeah?

ERIC: It seems I'm Fatso Burger material...and I really wish I hadn't just said that.

DONNA: No, it sounded really cool.

Donna looks away and her look means that she regretted what she just said.

DONNA: So, um, are you still coming to the party on Saturday?

Eric: Well I work late on Saturday night, but maybe if I get out early I could like, you know, swing by.

DONNA: Sounds good.

ERIC: Yeah, but I mean it might be really late, so everyone else might be gone.

DONNA: Well, um, you know if I'm still up I can leave the light on if you want me to.

ERIC: Yeah.

DONNA: Oh.

ERIC: I mean yeah. That would be great 'cause that way with the light on I couldn't…fall.

DONNA: Yeah.

ERIC: OK.

DONNA: Sounds good. Yeah.

Donna and Eric head in different directions. Eric stops.

ERIC: Hey Donna. Um, that light?

DONNA: Yeah.

ERIC: Cool.

DONNA: OK.

INT. THE FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY.

Donna is shooting some hoops and Eric is getting out of his house.

ERIC: Bye Mom. Bye Brianna.

DONNA: Oh Eric, I'm going to the reservoir. You wanna go?

ERIC: Nope, I gotta work.

Donna and Eric turn around and Donna is now wearing different clothes: the next day.

DONNA: Hey Eric, I'm meeting everyone at the Hub. You wanna go?

ERIC: Nope, I gotta work.

The same thing happens: the next day.

DONNA: Hey Eric, I'm going to the movies. You wanna go?

ERIC: Nope, I gotta work.

Again.

DONNA: Hey Eric, I got this new bikini but I think it's too small. Can I model it for you?

ERIC, HIS VOICE SHOWING HIS HATRED FOR WORK: "Nope, I gotta…. wo-work.

INT. FATSO BURGER.

Eric is mopping the floor.

RICKY: Hey, how's that mopping coming along?

ERIC: Well, I'm just happy to be a part of the Fatso Burger family.

Ricky walks away.

ERIC: You dumbass.

Laurie, Kelso, Fez and Hyde walk in.

HYDE: Here, here, my minimum wage friend, I demand service!

ERIC: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?

HYDE: That is so sad burger boy.

LAURIE: Yeah, little brother.

KELSO: Laurie, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why this guy didn't hire me.

LAURIE: Michael, I am so tired of hearing that. You still have me.

KELSO: You know what I think it is?

LAURIE: What?

KELSO: I'm great looking and he's jealous. I'm telling you Laurie, this body is a curse!

LAURIE: Well besides, if you worked here you couldn't see me whenever I wanted you to...lover.

KELSO: Oh yeah.

Laurie and Kelso kiss.

FEZ: Please stop touching each other. It gives me needs.

Laurie and Kelso stop.

INT. THE PINCIOTTI'S YARD.

Kelso comes running in with Laurie and Brianna.

KELSO: Toga! Toga! Toga!

HYDE: Hey man, nice dress.

Kelso shows him the three beers he has brought.

HYDE: You brought three beers Meathead?

KELSO: We'll share.

Donna and Hyde take a beer each.

HYDE: Here's to our wasted youth, huh?

They open the beer in unison. Camera cuts to the Forman living room where Red sits up.

RED: Party?!

Camera cuts back to the Pinciotti's yard. Fez arrives.

DONNA: Hey Fez.

FEZ: Good evening Donna. Which of these ladies are easy?

A young girl comes out of the house. She is Donna's sister, Tina. Brianna is sitting at the table.

TINA: Donna, some of your creepy friends are using Dad's stereo.

Tina goes back in the house. Brianna stands up.

DONNA: You guys, no one's allowed in the house!

FEZ: Hello Pretty little lady.

BRIANNA: Hi!

DONNA: She's not a pretty lady. She's Laurie and Eric's little sister, and she's six. You should know that. We hang out with her everyday.

FEZ: You know in my country…

DONNA: It's illegal here.

FEZ: Oh, I see.

HYDE: Y'know Fez, you are extremely sick for flirting with a pre-puberty girl.

LAURIE: Michael, you and I need to talk, inside.

KELSO: Ookay.

Kelso smiles and they go inside.

DONNA: I'm miserable, this party sucks.

HYDE: You know what'll make you feel better? Scrawny little neighbor boy. Why don't you take off, go see him and I'll watch the kids, huh?

DONNA: Yeah? Thanks Hyde!

Hyde belches.

HYDE: You're welcome.

Donna goes.

INT. FATSO BURGER.

Kitty comes in.

ERIC: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?

KITTY: Honey, it's me.

ERIC: I know. I…have to say that.

KITTY: Oh, oh, ok. Well, I was on a break from the hospital, so I thought I'd bring you some nice hot soup. Oh, oyster crackers!

ERIC: Oh, thank God, something to eat.

KITTY: So, how's it going?

ERIC: It's great.

Kitty pauses.

KITTY: So, how's it going?

ERIC: It's terrible. I'm exhausted. I'm behind on my homework and I think this polyester uniform is giving me a body rash.

KITTY: Oh oh, um, I swept the driveway for you.

ERIC: Oh! Oh, Mom I'm sorry, I forgot.

KITTY: That's ok. You know what, here, I'll do this. (Kitty starts cleaning up.) You sit down and you eat your soup. You know um, Eric if you want to quit, your father and I will completely understand. Brianna misses you so much.

ERIC: Did Dad tell you that? And does Brianna really miss me?

KITTY: Well you leave your father to me. You just, you worry about you. Of course, she loves her big brother.

Ricky enters.

RICKY: Hey Forman, who said you were on break?!

KITTY: I did.

RICKY: And who are you?!

KITTY: I'm his mother!

RICKY: Good enough then.

INT. BOB AND MIDGE'S BEDROOM.

Laurie and Kelso come in.

LAURIE: Michael, sit. We need to talk.

Kelso sits down on what he sees to be a waterbed.

KELSO: Oh-ho...Ahoy Laurie, welcome aboard the U.S.S. Kelso.

LAURIE: I love you, Michael. I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. This has been an amazing few months. (She sits down near him and kisses him) Wait, Michael, something feels wet.

KELSO (thinks): "Dear Penthouse..."

LAURIE: No, no, you popped the waterbed!

Laurie jumps up.

KELSO: It must've been my roach clip. Laurie, maybe they won't notice.

She laughs.

LAURIE: I am in love with a Doofus.

KELSO: (grinning) Yeah!

They start to make out. He goes on her and clothes start to come off. Screen blacks.

INT. FATSO BURGER.

Donna comes in.

DONNA: Hey.

ERIC: Donna. Oh, welcome to Fatso Burger…aw, screw it. What are you doing here?

DONNA: Ah, I was bored.

ERIC: Really? You left your own party to come see me?

DONNA: It's not much of a party without you there.

A pause

ERIC: You're so queer.

DONNA: Shut up! Um, Eric the whole reason I told you my parents were going away is so we could hang, together, you know, alone.

ERIC: I know. It's just, uh...

DONNA: So, um...

ERIC: Look Donna, I'm sorry. Ok, I would love to come over, but this is my job and uh, work isn't fun, you know. It's work. And only quitters quit.

DONNA: Well as long as you know it's important. I'll see you around.

She leaves.

INT. PINCIOTTI'S YARD.

Kelso and Laurie renter. Fez goes up to them.

FEZ: You had sex. Didn't you?

KELSO: Shut up Fez! But yeah, we did.

DONNA: On my parents bed?! Uck.

Hyde finishes his beer, crushes it and throws it in the garbage can. Fez tries to do the same.

FEZ: Ay!

HYDE: Well, what do you know Kelso, we're out of beer. You know what, Forman's old man's got a fridge in the garage and I know he's got beer in it.

Camera cuts in the FORMAN living room again. Red jumps up.

INT. THE FORMAN'S GARAGE.

The guys are sneaking in and Kelso makes a lot of noise. They all scream when Red switches on them a flashlight.

KELSO, POINTING TO FEZ: It's his idea!

FEZ: Remind me to kick your ass.

HYDE: Uh, hey Red, um, uh, is Forman around?

RED: Well he sure as hell's not in that fridge.

INT. PINCIOTTI'S YARD.

The light is on and Eric is about to knock when Bob opens the door.

ERIC: Mr. Pinciotti! You're home...that's good.

BOB: Eh, came back early. Eh, missed the kids too much. What are you doing here?

ERIC: Oh, uh, I was just coming home from work and I noticed that someone left your porch light on.

BOB: Can't even see that from your house. Good eye.

ERIC: Thank you.

BOB: You know Eric, that's what I like about you. I ask you to look out for Donna and here you are, in the middle of the night, hanging around the back door, doing your job. You're a good guy Eric, I don't care what they say about you. Ha! Gotcha! Good night now.

ERIC: Ok well I was just gonna…

BOB: Yeah, there you go.

Bob goes in and switches the light off.

ERIC: Ok...Good night then.

He starts walking home.

DONNA(O.S.): Good night Eric!

Eric turns, smiles and continues walking.

INT. THE FORMANS LIVING ROOM.

ERIC: Dad.

RED: Eric.

ERIC: Dad, I'm quitting my job.

RED: You're quitting?

ERIC: Yeah, I'm quitting. I'm irresponsible, I'm a quitter and I couldn't kill a cow with a hammer. So what do you day to that?

RED: Well everyone quits their first job. It's no big deal.

ERIC: What? That's it? I gotta say Dad, I'm a little disappointed here.

RED: But it wasn't a man's job anyway.

KITTY: Red.

RED: Well come on Kitty, it was a hair net, name tag, nothing kind of a job.

ERIC: Now that's more like it.

RED: Just as well. It was cutting into your chores anyway. You did a half ass job sweeping the driveway.

KITTY, OFFENDED: I thought he did a wonderful job.

RED: Didn't look wonderful to me.

Kitty jumps up and throws down the magazine.

KITTY: Ok then. Sweep it yourself!

She exits.

THE END.

Authors Note: Tomorrow is my first day of ninth grade, so I probably won't update as much anymore. Do you think I should make Tina part of the main cast? Please tell me. I also might name later chapters after The Notebook songs. Review, please!


	6. The Keg

Authors Note: Okay so I got NO reviews about the questions I asked so I'm just gonna decide for myself. Why won't anyone review? What's so wrong about my stories? I don't get it. I know people are reading it but not reviewing. What the hell is up with that? I love writing but I don't feel the motavation anymore. I'm sorry. But I'm still gonna write, of course.

INT. POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL.

DONNA: Will this day ever end?

ERIC: Yesterday did, but today is Friday, so no. Oh god, it's Destroy and Give back!

DONNA: Yeah, why do they call them that?

ERIC: Oh, you're about to find out.

DESTROY: Hey Foreplay, ohh…

He breaks Eric's pencil.

GIVE BACK: I believe this is yours. (He hands it back broken) You broke his pencil, that was good!

DESTROY: And you gave it back!

Teacher comes in.

TEACHER: Pipe down, I said pipe down! Now, I've got an announcement before Study Hall. Whoever burned their initials in the football field. I hope you're happy with yourself, punk!

DONNA PASSES ERIC A NOTE: Let's ditch study hall!

ERIC PASSES THE NOTE BACK: No way!

TEACHER: There'll be no football practice today until we reseed. And I've watched that team, I'm not impressed boy let me tell you. They need all the practice they can get!

DONNA PASSES IT BACK: You're a wimp!

ERIC PASSES IT BACK: What?!

DONNA PASSES IT BACK: You heard me!

TEACHER: On a happier note…

Eric starts scribbling the word: Bitch.

TEACHER: Eric, Donna, do you need something to do?

ERIC: Actually, we need to be excused. Donna and I are taking pictures for the Yearbook.

DONNA: Yeah.

TEACHER: If you say so Eric. You wouldn't lie.

ERIC: Well, I might.

The entire classroom starts laughing. Eric and Donna get out.

VISTA CRUISER.

DONNA: This is great. Eric Forman skips class!

ERIC: Yeah, well, danger is my middle name.

DONNA: How's Brianna doing?

ERIC: My poor little baby sister has the flu, and Laurie is with Kelso all the time. Of course.

DONNA: Aww. Poor Brianna!

ERIC: I know. My poor little baby sister!

Hyde and Kelso emerge from the backseat.

HYDE: Why are we moving?

Eric screams.

ERIC: What are you guys doing in here? Kelso aren't you supposed to be out with my big sister?

HYDE: What are you guys doing in here?

ERIC: I cut class.

HYDE: Yeah, right, so was there like a fire drill or something?

ERIC: No, look, I do bad things…

The other three laugh.

ERIC: I've ditched class before!

KELSO: Oh, is Oppie getting angry?

ERIC: What hell did I tell you about calling me Oppie?

DONNA: Oppie look out for that keg in the middle of the road!

The car skids but finally stops.

DONNA: Wow!

ERIC: It is a keg.

KELSO: Of beer!

HYDE: It must be a sign.

KELSO: Of beer!

ERIC: Oh, that's it, I'm cutting class everyday!

OPENING CREDITS

INT. THE BASEMENT

Kelso and Hyde are carrying it in.

FEZ: How did you find it?

HYDE: We were driving down the road man and there she was!

FEZ: Oh, it was a beer in the headlights! That is my first American joke.

ERIC: Wow, how often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer!

KELSO: Only once in a while. Mostly when Laurie's with me. She's a good luck bringer.

HYDE: You're right Forman man, you are absolutely right! When God gives you a keg, you gotta…

FEZ: Kill a virgin!

ERIC: No! Throw a party!

DONNA: Go for it Eric!

ERIC: Yeah, we'll throw a party. Charge two bucks a head.

KELSO: Two bucks a head, a keg is seven cases, that's a hundred and sixty eight beers. If we each take three beers a piece…

HYDE: No way, sophomore's gonna drink one, maybe.

KELSO: Two.

HYDE: Yeah, and the freshman's gonna take a half.

KELSO: So that averages out to one point five beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people and that's 224 bucks…

HYDE: Cash.

KELSO AND HYDE: Which is decent!

ERIC: Okay, grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.

FEZ: Oh, that is one sweet momma!

Kitty comes down the stairs.

KKTTY: Hey gang! Oh, don't mind me, just came down to do an emergency presoak on my nurse's uniform. You remember Mr. Wilber, the fireman? Well, he came in today with this sebaceous cyst, which is a pocket of fluid that's kinda like a pussy bath oil bean under the skin, and you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument and pierce the core, and then you, you, you apply pressure on it with your thumb.(Eric comes back and she sees him.) Well, hi Snickelfritz, what are you doing with the tub?

ERIC: Oh, the tub…, we were just working on a class project.

HYDE: We're making a volcano. Snickelfritz.

KITTY: Out of ice? Well, I think it might melt!

ERIC: Well, you heard her, let's move it gang!

KITTY: Okay, well, have fun! Brianna's calling me.

Kitty rushes back up the stairs.

ERIC: Guys, we gotta get the keg out of here.

DONNA: Well, where are we having the party?

KELSP: Beats me. If you guys need me, I'll be with Laurie over to our secret make-out place. She makes me more happier than I ever was.

DONNA: Secret make-out place.

KELSO: It's this vacant house over on Sherman, I means this place is great! It's totally private! You can get away with about anything there. So if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know. (He goes out. Donna looks at her watch, wait a couple of seconds and then signals. As if on cue, Kelso comes back.) I got an idea!

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

BOB: That's a Silvanya, isn't it Rer? You didn't buy that at my store, did you?

RED: No Bob, I got a good deal on it.

BOB: You got me. You, you got me Red.

RED: Well, I am just so excited. 'Rich Man, Poor Man'. I missed the first episode. My poor little girl has the flu and my son's a dumbass.

MIDGE: Here's the irony of the show, Kitty. The rich safe guy is boring! It's the poor rugged one, played by the talented Nick Nolte, who's so exciting!

KITTY: Well super! Now who would like a drink?

BOB: Ohh! Let's do daiquiris!

KITTY: Oh! Uh! I don't know if we have enough ice, Eric took a whole tubful.

RED: He took a tub of ice?

KITTY: Oh, the kids are making a volcano!

MIDGE: Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.

RED: Plastic cups?

MIDGE: Sure, plastic volcano cups.

BOB: If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger! (He looks at Red.) Oh shit!

RED: Let's go Bob.

They both get up and leave.

MIDGE: Oh, 'Rich Man Poor Man'! I love it! I just hope I don't get too emotional.

KITTY: Oh, so do I. But first, I have to check on Brianna.

INT. BRIANNA'S BEDROOM.

Brianna stirs when she hears her mother.

BRIANNA: Mommy?

KITTY: Yes, Baby. It's me. How are you feeling?

She hates seeing her little girl with the Flu.

BRIANNA: My head hurts and my tummy hurts.

KITTY: Aww, baby. I'll be downstairs if you need me.

BRIANNA: Alright Mommy.

KITTY: I love you, Baby.

She turns the light back off, then exits the room.

INT. IN THE TOYOTA.

BOB: Those kids can be anywhere. Few needles in a hay sack.

RED: Are you that stupid? Look, they left the house in a wood-paneled Ocean Liner. We should be able to find them.

BOB: Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle out here. The sun goes down, the rats come out. I lost my mailbox last year. Oh yeah. You know what it is: the evil spilling over from Saboidan.  
Ah, how many stores do you suppose there are in this naked burg?

RED: Eight Bob. There are eight. (Under his breath) Dumbass.

EMPTY POOL.

LAURIE: Michael, this is our secret make-out place! Jackie did not swipe the key from her mother's real estate office so you can have a party!

KELSO: No, it's like a bonus! I'm doing it for you baby!

LAURIE: Oh… Well, okay.

KELSO: I love you.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to make out. The guys cheer. They break apart.

DONNA: Empty pool, empty house, full keg. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.

ERIC: Yeah well, I don't color outside the line often but when I do, jump back Lou Reed!

HYDE: I don't care when you ate Fez! Get in the pool now!

FEZ: If I get a cramp, it'll be on your head!

JACKIE: Crap! Okay, hurry up and drink your keg.

HYDE: Hurry up and drink a keg?

KELSO: Jackie, will you just meddle out? I, I mean this rules! We got a Keg and soon everybody's gonna be here.

JACKIE: Everybody?

ERIC: Everybody who matters. And for the first time Jackie, that includes you.

The gang gives her a group hug.

JACKIE: Get away from me!

She pushes them away.

HYDE: You heard her, let's drink beer!

KELSO: Me first!

DONNA: No way I spotted it!

KELSO: Nah, I saw it too, I just didn't say anything!

HYDE: You saw a keg and you didn't say anything? Back of the line!

ERIC: Alright, how do you get the beer out?

HYDE: Through the tap.

ERIC: What tap? There isn't a tap on the keg.

HYDE: No! (He falls on the keg, hugging it. He gets up.) Okay, we really need a tap here!

KELSO: I got my swiss-army knife!

HYDE: (sarcasstically) Oh great, we can wiggle the beer out.

DONNA: Alright look, they sell taps at the liquor store.

HYDE: And who's got the money to buy it?

They all look at Laurie.

LAURIE: Why would I bring money to our secret make-out place Michael?

ERIC: Okay, I've got my gas money.

DONNA: No Eric, we're not gonna take your gas money.

ERIC: Hey, it doesn't matter. By the end of the night we'll have made over two hundred dollars.

KELSO: Yeah!

LAURIE: Michael, Michael, how are we gonna make 200 dollars?

He turns to his girlfriend.

KELSO: I don't know.

ERIC: Hey, who's buying the tap?

KELSO: You buy fly!

He gives Kelso the money.

LAURIE: No Michael, you are… Michael come back here! Michael I am talking to you! Michael! Okay, I'm going with you!

She catches up with him. People come down into the pool.

FEZ: Welcome to the pool, I am your host, Fez. Two dollars please.

JACKIE: What the hell is going on?

ERIC: I didn't wanna tell you before Jackie, but we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom show off the house at two bucks ahead.

HYDE: He's lying to Jackie man. I lie to Jackie! You know, it seems to me that the scrawny little neighbor boy is willing to engage in criminal actions for that saucy red-head next door.

DONNA: Shut up! How do you know he's not doing it to impress his friends. You know, peer pressure.

HYDE: Because his friends aren't saucy!

DONNA: Kelso's saucy.

HYDE: Kelso! Please, I'm saucier than Kelso.

INT. THE TOYOTA.

Bob is singing.

Red: Would you turn that damned thing off?! (Bob turns it off.) Keep your eyes peeled for the vista cruiser!

BOB: Ookey-dookey. (Starts humming the song again. He looks at Red. He stops.) Sorry.

INT. LIQUOR STORE.

KELSO: Hey, see you got some new steins here! Hi, I'm twenty-five! I know I look young, but my dad asked me to come down here to pick up a tap for his keg. And he's forty-three, so we're both legal. No problem there. Uh, I'm not gonna be drinking the beer anyway, 'cause I don't believe in it but no offense to you, I think selling Liquor's a great thing.

The guy reaches behind his counter and gets a tap.

GUY: Here you go.

KELSO: Yeah! 'Cause I'm twenty-five, right?

GUY: 'Cause you got money and a hot girlfriend.

KELSO: Yeah, but I am twenty-five. Hey, that's my girlfriend!

GUY: Don't need to be kid. Direct a tap.

KELSO: I can prove it to you! I got my IDs out in the wallet!

GUY: Yeah, it happens all the time. Take care.

KELSO: Yeah, but I…

GUY: Leave, now.

He takes the money.

LAURIE: Sorry about my boyfriend. Come on Michael.

KELSO: Yeah.

Kelso and Laurie leave.

They drive a few miles then he pulls over and goes on top of her.

KELSO: You are so amazing. I love you and you make me so happy.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to make out and undress each other. Screen blacks.

INT. DARK ALLEY.

A little bit after. Destroy and Give back are hitting a phone booth. Kelso comes running by them but they stop him.

DESTROY: Oh! Kelshmo, what you've got there? I saw you going at it with Forplays college sister.

KELSO: Yeah! Anyways, that, that was really funny what you did with my name, Kelshmo. I gotta go.

He tries to leave, but they stop him. Destroy takes the tap and breaks it in two. Give back gives it back.

GIVE BACK: I believe this is yours…You broke his, his thing!

DESTROY: And you gave it back!

GIVE BACK: That was great!

They leave.

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

MIDGE:: So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?

KITTY: Yes, you have made your point… many times!

MIDGE: He's a bad boy, he had some rough breaks, but he isn't bad in his soul!

She starts crying.

KITTY: Oh crap! Okay, okay, enough daiquiris for you!

MIDGE: Kitty, Kitty, what do you look for in a man?

KITTY: Oh, well, I'm married. I'm kinda through looking. I have three kids.

MIDGE: Kitty, you can always look, it helps you to fantasize. Like some nights, I'm doing the news with Walter Kronkiyed.

KITTY: Okay, I'm just, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna finish your daiquiri!

INT. THE POOL.

DONNA: It's broken!

KELSO: I got duck tape.

HYDE: Duck tape? Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?

KELSO: I got a whole roll of duck tape.

HYDE: I can't work like this. Forman, you need to get your dad's tap now.

ERIC: My dad doesn't have a tap…

HYDE: Red's got bicentennial frizzle sticks, he's got fake lemons with real lemon juice, he's got toothpicks shaped like swords! Red Forman is a cocktail dad! And cocktail dads have beer taps!

KELSO: Yeah, come on Eric, we never ask you for anything.

ERIC: Wait, you guys ask me for everything.

KELSO.: So what's one more thing?

ERIC: No, forget it, I've done enough today already, so count me out.

Destroy and Give back join them.

DESTROY: Hey, Kelshmo, what, your tap is broken? Why did you do something stupid like buy a stupid, broken tap? What are you? Stupid?

KELSO: It wasn't broken until you broke it!

DESTROY: Oh, man!

GIVE BACK: Don't beat yourself up, you had no way of knowing. Anyways, we gave it back.

ERIC: Yeah, broken.

GIVE BACK: Hey, lay off him alright, he feels bad enough already!

ERIC: Oh, he should 'cause he's a moron!

GIVE BACK: What did you say?

ERIC: I said that you're both morons! What are you gonna do? You gonna beat me up? You weigh four hundred pounds together? It doesn't matter, the fact is that the tap is broken and it's your fault! Morons!

DESTROY: You are so rude.

GIVE BACK: Give us our four bucks back!

ERIC: Okay Fez. (Fez comes. Eric takes four bucks out of the bucket and tears them, then gives them back to the two morons.) Familiar?

They leave.

DONNA: Wow Eric. You just tore their money! You gave it back! That was great, that was great!

ERIC: But enough of this levity wench. (He runs to the stairs. And leaps and holds on.) We came here to have a party and as God as my witness, there will be a party!

INT. LIQUOR STORE.

Guy: Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day, but a young guy did come in for a tap, with a hot blonde haired girl.

RED: Young guy, huh?

BOB: Oh look, they have pina-colada in a can.

RED: Bob, we're doing something here

BOB: Oh Right.

Kid: You know, I might've heard something about a party. Can't recall, maybe a Andrew Jackson could remind me.

Bob gets out a bunch of money.

BOB: Andrew Jackson, huh? He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. Would they have any knowledge of the festivities?

Bob is about to hand the kid the money, but Red swipes it.

RED: So, a real wisenheimmer. Well, let's see how smart you are when I snap off your head!

KID: Okay, Okay man, they said something about a vacant house on Sherman.

BOB: I know that place, it's the vacant house on Sherman!

RED: Good work Starsky! Let's roll!

THE POOL.

The party's hopping! People are dancing. Suddenly, the house lights switch on. Jackie comes running.

JACKIE: Everybody in the deep end! My mother's showing the house!

DONNA: Now?

JACKIE: People work.

DONNA: Alright, quiet down everybody!

Jackie's mom comes up in her S6/7 appearance.

JACKIE'S MOM: The deck is new, and this lovely tile walkway lead directly to the pool which is filled with some of the local kids. Heavily Caucasian. It's a nice neighborhood!

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN.

MIDGE: Sometimes, Bob pretends he's poor. I call him Buster. He knocks on the door and I answer in my teddy. And he says 'Does the rich Lady need any help around the house?' and I say: 'I know something that needs tending to in the bedroom!'! I'll spare you the details, but it ends in Whoppee!

KITTY: You know, this is as much fun to make as it is to eat. (Kitty puts down the popcorn she's making.) You know, speaking of which, how do you get Bob to play those games?

MIDGE: I have a rewards system.

KITTY: Huh. You know, sometimes, Red would wear a sailor's uniform.

MIDGE: Really?

KITTY: Yeah, but he was in the navy!

Midge spits in the air the drink she was sipping and gets Kitty's face wet.

MIDGE: Oh, Kitty!

They start laughing.

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Eric emerges from behind the bar with the tap and goes to the kitchen door but Midge and Kitty come out from the Kitchen. Eric hides behind the door and exits.

MIDGE: Does Red still have the sailor's uniform?

KITTY: Oh, no, just has the hat.

They fall on each other on the couch, giggling.

INT. THE POOL.

Eric comes into view, without looking at the pool, he swings the garden hose down and gets down with it.

ERIC: I stole my dad's tap! (He finally looks to the people in the pool which are Red, Bob, two cops, the guys, and Laurie.) Back from those thieves.

LATER.

BOB: We were worried sick!

RED: You had us driving all over town!

BOB: We missed 'Rich man, Poor man'!

Hyde and Kelso comes by.

HYDE: Excuse us Red.

RED: What are you doing?

KELSO: We're just gonna grab this keg…

RED: Get out of here!

They leave.

RED: We're not finished with this!

BOB: Neither are we.

RED: Eric you take her home, you wait for me! That's an order!

BOB: Ditto! (They start leaving) Come here! (Donna and Eric come back.)

BOB: I can't stay mad at you with that cute face!

Bob hugs her. Eric looks at Red and opens his arms.

RED: Get your ugly ass home!

Eric and Donna leave. Laurie goes with them.

INT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

Eric and Donna are sitting on the hood of the vista cruiser.

ERIC: My dad's gonna kill me!

DONNA: You're always saying that.

ERIC: Yeah, but this time, he's gonna kill me! I mean, I cut class, I trespassed, I have stolen beer, and then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose carrying my dad's tap.

DONNA: Yeah, that was so cool!

ERIC: Really

DONNA: Really!

They kiss.

DONNA: You looked dangerous.

ERIC: Did I mention I that I killed a guy in algebra?

DONNA: Good night, killer!

She gets off the car and goes home.

ERIC: Bring it on Red!

The screen blacks.

THE END.

Authors Note: Finito. Please review. Pretty, pretty please.


	7. That Disco Episode

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

THE BASEMENT.

Eric, Donna, Jackie, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are playing cards. Laurie is sitting on the washing machine, reading the paper.

ERIC: The game is Anaconda. (He starts dealing.) Big Ace, Eight Ball, Red Lady, Jackson, High Brow, Wild Man…

LAURIE: Oh my god, Michael! (She gets off the washing machine.) They opened up a disco!

KELSO: Where at?

LAURIE: In Kenosha. You could wear your David Bowie butt huggers.

Laurie starts dancing around like a nut.

HYDE: Michael, that would be super!

KELSO: Laugh if you want, man, but my butt looks pretty good in those.

ERIC: Fine. Are you guys crazy? I mean, a disco? No way.

DONNA: I don't know, might be kinda fun to go dancing.

ERIC: Oh, we could go! And take Brianna with us. She doesn't like to be left out of things.

JACKIE: Sounds good.

KELSO: I got nothing, I fold.

HYDE: Oh, man, if you're out, go make some popcorn. (Kelso gets up and goes to the stairs. Laurie is still dancing) Take her with you.

Laurie and Kelso grin at each other then run upstairs.

FEZ: What is disco?

HYDE: Disco is from hell, ok? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live.

Donna checks out Kelso's cards.

ERIC: Excuse me, what are you doing?

DONNA: Looking at Kelso's cards.

ERIC: That's cheating!

LAURIE: (O.S. as she and Kelso are making out) Eric! I can't find the popcorn!

Eric jumps up at his big sister's voice and starts going, then comes back.

ERIC: Hey, um, Donna, why don't you take a little look at my cards, then you won't have to wait for me to leave. (Eric tries to show her his cards.) No, come on, take a look. Take a look, tell me what I have, you cheater!

He puts his card right in front of her. She looks.

DONNA: You got nothing!

ERIC: Yeah, and I'm gonna bluff, so watch out!

Eric runs upstairs.

FEZ: Donna has stuff for Eric, yes?

HYDE: Not stuff, thing. Donna has a thing for Eric. Why do you have a thing for Eric?

DONNA: He makes me laugh, he doesn't ask me stupid questions. He's smart, and, you know…

HYDE: No, I don't know.

FEZ: I know! (Fez raises his arm and Hyde points at him.) It is because Eric is noble, and a woman wants her first love making to be in the arms of a man she can trust!

DONNA: Fez?

FEZ: Yes.

DONNA: Go make popcorn.

He gets up.

OPENING CREDITS.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric, Red, Kitty, and Brianna are eating.

ERIC: Dad, I want to talk to you about my curfew on Saturday. We're going to a disco in Kenosha. Don't worry, you can come Brianna. (Brianna smiled at her big brother)

KITTY: Ooh, Dancing in Kenosha. That's quite a drive!

ERIC: Can Brianna and I push our curfew to two?

KITTY: Mmm…

ERIC: Or one thirty?

KITTY: Mmm…

ERIC: Or one?

KITTY: Done.

BRIANNA: Yay. Thanks Mommy!

Their parents smile at their little girl.

RED: So! Who's going?

KITTY: Oh, Donna, I'm sure, they're practically dating.

ERIC: Can I have some gas money?

RED: Dating? Since when?

ERIC: Mom, we're not dating. Laurie and Kelso are but not us.

KITTY: Why not? She likes you.

ERIC: Thanks mom. About that gas money…

KITTY: Well, now, she is interested, I can tell! And dancing is the quickest way to a gal's heart! Remember, Red, when we used to go dancing at the Avalon on Macana Island?

ERIC: Oh, Macana! Now that's quite a drive! I bet the mileage is just…

Eric gestures with his hands.

Kitty starts singing.

KITTY: Oh, oh! Volare! Oh! Cantare! Oh, oh!

Kitty gets up and starts dancing. Red looks pissed and turns to Eric.

RED: You see what you did? You got your mother started!

FORMAN GARAGE.

HYDE: Man, I can't believe you and Laurie are dragging everybody to that disco. It's so sad.

KELSO: No, we're just going to have sex. I love her so much.

FEZ: Oh, tell me about it! Because I love learning the details!

ERIC: Ok, that's all the deposit bottles and the aluminum cans. We gotta have at least…a dollar fifteen worth of gas.

KELSO: Come on. My dad's got a ton of empties.

Eric, Kelso and Fez get out.

HYDE: Man, I can't believe they're gonna waste all their money on a stupid disco when they could buy a really big bag… (He pauses before continuing.) Of caramels!

Hyde is about to leave.

RED: Not going to that disco, huh?

HYDE: No. Phony people listening to crappy music does not sound like my kinda time.

RED: You can't dance, can you?

HYDE: I can dance.

RED: Oh, I don't think so, pal.

HYDE: I can dance.

RED: Not one step.

HYDE: You're right, not one step.

RED: Well, then you got a problem, son. 'cause women wanna dance. They always wanna dance. Always.

HYDE: Why?

RED: 'Cause. They get close and wiggle their bodies around in front of a man in a safe atmosphere.

HYDE: See, I don't really wanna wiggle around in public.

RED: Well, of course not. You're a man. My point is, you're going to have to learn. Otherwise later on in life, you're gonna be wiggling all by yourself. Now if you want, I can help you out.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Kitty and Hyde are dancing, as Brianna is on the couch playing with her dolls.

KITTY: OK, now, that was good, ok, let's try it again. OK? Now. (They dance.) Left, right, left, turn and step. Ok.

Hyde dances like a robot. He's really stiff.

HYDE: I can't keep up with music, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY: Now, lets not get discouraged! I am just gonna turn this music off! (She turns of the record player.) Now! You follow me. Ok. You can do this. Ok. Left, right, left, turn and step! (Hyde steps on her foot.) Ooh…oh crap! No! No! Look at me, not at your feet. Ok, you know what, now, now, put your arm around me. Yeah, a little bit lower, put your hand in the small of my back. You feel how you can guide me?

HYDE: Oh! Yeah…

Kitty: Ok, ok. Left, r…you're leading! Ok, now. Tell me where to move with your hand. Uh-huh. Left, right, left, turn, uh-huh, ok, eye contact in the turn, ok, ok, and dip! (Hyde doesn't support her and she falls down. Brianna giggles) Ok, well now let's just do it again.

Camera pans to Bob walking into the Forman kitchen with a thermos.

BOB: Hello! Anybody home? I'm bringing back Brianna's thermos!

Bob cracks the living room door open and finds Hyde and Kitty in each other's arms while Brianna is playing with her dolls and watching them.

KITTY: Ouh, put your hand there. Oh, that is perfect! You are better than Red!

Bob freaks out, running outside and hides behind the driveway door. HYDE and KITTY come in the kitchen.

KITTY: Oh, I am exhausted! That is sweaty work!

HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I'd really appreciate it if maybe we didn't tell anybody what we were doing here.

KITTY: Oh, mum is the word! Tomorrow after school, okay?

HYDE: Thanks.

KITTY: And Steven? You were good.

Bob is shocked.

THE BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE.

HYDE: Ok, I thought about it. And I'm going to the disco! Just on the off chance that they might mix up a little rock 'n roll, man.

KELSO: Yeah? Well, I have something to say. I went to the mall today, and I bought a…pair of new shoes, and they're the coolest kicks in the cave! Laurie was so happy when she saw them that we did it five times then five more times after that. Boo-yah. (Grinning) I did it with your big sister ten times today, Eric!

ERIC: Shut up! So, no more for Kelso, he's toasted!

FEZ: I would like some toast if you are making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

HYDE: Oh, I read somewhere there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah! And their minds are so advanced, they could actually think themselves to death, man!

KELSO: Whoa. I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about!

ERIC: Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here, but then later I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant man!

FEZ: Someone go make toast right now.

HYDE: Hey, we should record our conversation, man! Yeah! Then we could play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

KELSO: Yeah, well, I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

HYDE: What do they do?

KELSO: You see, they are incredibly…French!

ERIC: See, that's brilliant, man! I'm getting the tape recorder!

He moves to the stairs.

FEZ: Where's my toast, you dumbasses?

THE FORMAN KITCHEN.

Eric has the tape recorder and is getting the bread for the toasts.

RED: Eric?!

ERIC Yeah, dad?

Eric turns around, faces Red and sees that the wallpaper is going up and down.

RED: Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night, so if you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll uh, pay you ten dollars.

Eric blinks as if to make the effect go away, but the wallpaper is still crawling.

ERIC: Sure I can do that.

RED: Now, I need you to sweep the garage, clean the leaves out of the gutters, pick up the dry cleaning, and uh, fix that shelf in the pantry. Now, run that back to me.

ERIC: Oh,' kay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves…

RED: (interrupting) Dry cleaning.

ERIC: Yeah.

RED: The gutters.

ERIC: Fix the gutters.

RED: Clean, clean the gutters.

ERIC: Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves.

RED: The garage.

ERIC: Fix the garage.

RED: Sweep it.

ERIC: Sweep.

RED: (Annoyed) Listen, I'm not gonna pay you ten dollars for nothing!

ERIC: Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters, fix the shelf.

RED: Do that, and you've got yourself gas money.

ERIC; Didn't you say something about leaves?

RED: They're in the gutters.

ERIC: Right. Pick 'em up. Clean 'em up! I…gotta make toast.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Hyde and Kitty are dancing in the living room to various music, swing, mambo, rhumba. Brianna is coloring.

PINCIOTTI BACK DOOR.

Midge and Bob are spying on Kitty, Hyde, and Brianna.

BOB: "Aw, jeez, Midge. Kitty and that boy are at it again."

They close the blinds. Bob opens them again, stares for a while with a pondering look on his face, then closes them.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

Kitty and Midge are with the kids. Kitty is taking pictures.

ERIC: You smell great. What'd you do?

DONNA: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

ERIC: Yeah, you know I do the same thing in the shower.

DONNA: What?

ERIC: Nothing.

Kelso goes up to his girifriend.

KELSO: Wow, you look amazing!

LAURIE: Thanks. You are rockin' those butt huggers.

He kisses her.

KITTY: Oh, let's take some pictures! I'm ready, Steven get in closer. Ok, let's all schmoosh together! Ok, big smiles! Nice (She takes the first picture and Kelso is trying to show off his butt huggers.) Ok, now, girls, look how pretty, smile, nice! (She takes another picture with just Donna, Brianna, and Jackie.)

KITTY: Now boys, oh, so handsome! (She takes another picture in which Kelso shows off his butt huggers again. Ok, now lets…)

She starts snapping lots of pictures of Brianna. The little girl becomes embarrassed at her mother.

BRIANNA: Mommy!

KITTY: Sorry. My sweet little baby girl is going to her first Disco. I'm so proud of you.

ERIC: Hey, mom, why don't I take a picture of you?

KITTY: No, no, no, no. Ok, you'll be late, bye now!

The gang starts getting in the car, with Midge talking to Donna. Hyde comes over and kisses Kitty on the cheek. Brianna does the same.

HYDE: You're the best

KITTY: Oh, you go get 'em, Tiger.

BRIANNA: Bye Mommy!

She gives her mother a big hug then gives Midge one too. They leave.

MIDGE; She's so adorable and sweet. You and Red are so lucky!

KITTY: I know!

They start walking into the house.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

MIDGE: Kitty, I need your advice.

KITTY: Well, sure, what is it?

MIDGE: I have this married friend. And she's about to throw everything away because she's attracted to a much younger man.

KITTY: It's Stella?!

MIDGE: No!

KITTY: Oh, I knew that Stella was open for business!

MIDGE: It's not Stella!

KITTY: Well, do I know her?

MIDGE: Yes, very well.

KITTY: Oh, Midge! Does Bob know?

MIDGE: Yeah, and he doesn't know what to do! Kitty, I don't know what to do!

KITTY: Midge, listen. I think your friend should think about all of the people she's gonna hurt. And tell this younger man whoever he is, I don't wanna know, that it has to stop.

MIDGE: Thank you. I just hope my friend takes your advice.

KITTY: I'm sure your friend will.

KITTY and MIDGE, thinking: Hmm. Younger man. Wonder what that's like.

THE DISCO.

Kelso is dancing around on "Dancing", making a fool of himself. Kelso looks around, realizes he's alone, and runs to the table where the rest of the gang is sitting.

KELSO: Laurie, where'd you go?

LAURIE: I had to get something for you to bite on, cause I told everyone you were having a seizure!

KELSO: I love you.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They grin at each other and look for an empty room to do it. Camera switches to everyone else.

FEZ: When do they play the disco music?

DONNA: This is disco music.

FEZ: No, no. This is samba.

HYDE: Fez, it's disco, man. It's crap!

FEZ: Whoa, I think I like this crap! (He stands up.) Come, Jackie! Let's get down!

JACKIE: No, I think I'm a little tired.

She looks away, but Fez turns her head back toward him with his hand.

FEZ: Don't resist me mama. It's boogie time!

He pulls Jackie out of her chair and onto the dance floor.

DONNA: I think you just lost your date!

HYDE: Yeah, well it's cool 'cause Jackie and I will never be together!

Fez and Jackie dance.

ERIC: She must not weigh that much.

They continue dancing, and Jackie puts her leg around Fez in a final step, Fez pulls her back to the table.

DONNA: Is she touching his ass?

The song changes to "Fernando".

FEZ: Listen, Merengue!

JACKIE: Whoo! Fez, you're crazy!

ERIC: Wow, they are really good!

BRIANNA: Yeah, if you wanna dance that way!

Eric smiles at his baby sister. She's so adorable and funny.

DONNA: I would love to dance that way!

HYDE: You wanna dance?

DONNA: Sure!

They get up and start dancing.

DONNA: You dance. This is a side of you I've never seen.

HYDE: Yeah. Actually, you're my first dance.

DONNA: I'm your first? I'm honored.

HYDE: This is nice.

DONNA: Mmm-hmm.

Donna dips. They look at each other in the eyes.

HYDE: Donna, man, I feel like I wanna kiss you. (They come back to a normal position) You don't have to kiss me back if you don't want. (Donna laughs.) I'm not kidding.

DONNA: Shut up and dance.

Screen blacks.

TIME LAPSE.

Brianna suddenly gets in the middle of the dance floor and starts dancing. It's cute and funny. She's trying to imitate the older kids. The older kids stop to watch. They cheer her on as this little girl kicks ass on the dance floor.

RANDOM GIRL: YOU GO, GIRL!

RANDOM GIRL 2: She's so cute!

Eric's group watches in surprise. They cannot believe how good she is. Even worse is that she's better than Kelso who Laurie said looked like he was having a seizure. Everyone are completely jealous.

JACKIE: She's stealing the show.

DONNA: She's so awesome.

Brianna completes the dance and everyone cheers. Older kids huddle around her like a rock star.

RANDOM GUY: (to Eric) FORMAN, YOUR LITTLE SISTER IS AWESOME!

Laurie is super surprised that her baby sister can dance like that.

LAURIE: (to Kelso) Why can't we dance like that? My little sister can dance but I can't!

JACKIE: She's stealing my spotlight!

Jackie, who likes to be the center of attention, has just been outdone by a little girl. Brianna finishes dancing and Eric hugs his baby sister.

ERIC: You did awesome. I'm so proud of you!

BRIANNA: Thanks big bro. Can you get me a pretzel and a Pepsi, please?

ERIC: Anything for my baby sister. Dancer.

They hug and smile, walking to the snack bar together.

DONNA: She's so amazing.

JACKIE: She stole my spotlight!

HYDE; Jackie, she's just a little girl! (Smirks) A dancing little girl.

Screen fades.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

Eric and Brianna enter to find Red at the table in his robe. He's reading the newspaper and drinking hot milk.

RED: Hey, kids. How was the Disco?

BRIANNA: It was amazing!

ERIC: She can dance. She was making people jealous on the dance floor. Because she can dance so awesome.

Red's in awe. His six year-old daughter is such a dancer and it was her first time.

RED: That's my girl!

He holds his arms out for the both of them. The three hug. He gives a 20$ bill to his two youngest.

ERIC: Ooh gas money. Thanks dad!

BRIANNA: Thank you daddy!

She gives her father a kiss and goes upstairs. Eric sits across from his dad.

RED: I don't say it enough, but I'm proud of you and your sisters. We raised you three so well. I love you.

ERIC: Woah...thanks Dad!

They hug.

ERIC: I'm going to sleep. Good night dad.

RED: Good night Son.

He watches as his son goes up the stairs. Screen fades.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

It's the next day. The kids are at school. Red is working on the car. Bob walks up tensely.

BOB: Ah-hem.

RED: Ok, Bob. What is it?

BOB: Oh, just uh, curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?

RED: Steven? Oh, he's a little rebellious. Just needs some direction.

BOB: Apparently, he's getting it, Red. I uh, I kinda walked into your living room and, he and Kitty were in, some sort of, provocative embrace. I think he's puttin' the moves on your wife.

RED: Oh, my god. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.

BOB: Hold on, Red, I, I, I, I could've been mistaken!

RED: You know what you saw! Get the damn gun.

BOB: Maybe she was, uh, choking, on, you know, on some food or something.

RED: I can't take that chance. What choice do I have as a man?

BOB: Come on, Red. Uh, they could've been dancing! Jeez, I'm sure she was teaching him dancing, 'cause they're all going to that disco! Oh.

Bob pats Red on the chest.

RED: Dancing, huh?

BOB: Yeah.

RED: Jeez, Bob. That would be downright logical. Good thing I didn't shoot him.

Red looks at Bob who realizes that Red knows all about it.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

Hyde and Fez are sitting on the hood of the parked Vista Cruiser.

FEZ: Hyde, you were right about disco music. It is evil. It's pulsing rythm made me do a bad thing.

HYDE: Yeah, well, me too.

FEZ: You are my friend, I cannot take your crush.

HYDE: You're a good guy, Fez.

FEZ Actually, I could take your crush, but I won't.

Hyde laughs.

HYDE: Come on, I'll walk you home.

Eric and Donna come out.

HYDE: See you guys.

DONNA: See you.

ERIC: Goodnight. (Hyde and Fez leave) Hey, uh, Hyde dancing, what a surprise!

DONNA: Yeah! Who knew?

ERIC: Yeah. You looked like you were having a pretty good time.

DONNA: Yeah, well, you know, disco fever. You catch it. But I'm better now.

ERIC: Wow. What a, what a weird night. Hey, did you see Kelso's shoes?

DONNA: Yeah. Remember when he saw that girl wearing the same shoes?

ERIC: Oh, yes! That was, actually, it was pretty sad.

DONNA: Yeah, it was.

ERIC: Hey, um…do you recall that night we crossed the Rio Grande?

DONNA: What?

ERIC: I can see it in your eyes.

DONNA: What are you talking about?

ERIC: How proud you would've fought for freedom in this land…

Eric starts singing.

DONNA: Shut up, don't! Don't! Don't, shhh!

ERIC: There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright. (Donna covers his mouth with her hand.) Fernando! They were… (Eric stops singing and Donna takes her hand off his mouth) I'm sorry. I hate dance music.

DONNA: Then, why'd you go?

ERIC: I like you.

DONNA: So…you're in like with me?

ERIC: Donna, I'm… I'm in…

(He leans over and kisses her. They look at each other) I can't dance.

DONNA: You'll learn. (Donna starts singing) There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright…

ERIC: Donna, I really wanna kiss you again.

DONNA: Fernando! Shut up and dance! They were shining there for you and me and liberty…

Eric joins her and they start dancing and singing.

DONNA AND ERIC: Fernando! Though I never thought that we could lose, There's no regret, If I had to do the same again…

Eric and Donna's singing fades and is replaced by Abba.

ABBA: "I would, my friend, Fernando!

Screen blacks.

LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

The screen opens back up.

KELSO: You are so amazing. I love you so much. You make me so happy.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to make out and undress each other. Screen blacks.

TAG. THE BASEMENT.

Screen opens back up to the guys in the basement. Brianna is eating a bowl of popcorn.

HYDE: I wanna know why you look so proud.

KELSO: (Grinning) Me and Laurie just did it again!

ERIC: (Grossed out) That's my big sister!

Fez holds the tape recorder and we hear the tape.

HYDE: We're all on a farm…a farm put here by aliens man! And we're the cattle!

KELSO: We're cattle! Moo!

HYDE: The government knows it, it's out there, man!

KELSO: What is?

HYDE: The truth.

KELSO: What are you saying?

HYDE: Out there is the truth! The truth is out there, man!

ERIC: That's seriously freaky!

Fez pushed stop, stopping the tape.

FEZ: See, you are all stupid!

Screen fades.

THE END.

Authors Note: Review please. Pretty pretty please.


	8. Drive-In

Authors Note: Thanks for the reviews, nannygirl! Jackie, Brianna and the Pinciottis are absent from this chapter.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

The Forman's basement. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are hanging out. Eric is on the phone.

ERIC: Yep, that's right, one hundred bags of manure... yeah, the wife and I are redoing the front lawn...And tell you what... if I'm not there, just dump it all on the front porch! Bye Bye.

He hangs up.

HYDE: Yeah, man, Coach Barret is gonna freak!

ERIC : Yeah, well, he just shouldn't've gave me that D.

FEZ: Oh no, Dick Tracy is trapped in a giant clam! Farewell sweet Dick!

HYDE: A man being eaten by a giant clam. Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud but...

KELSO: Eric, The Omen's playing in the drive-in! You know what this means for us?... It's make-out city!

ERIC: I really like you as a friend, Kelso... Can I bring a girl?

KELSO: Yeah! Man, it's gonna be great! Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno!

HYDE: Really? Faster than that?

KELSO: Yeah, if only somebody would make a porno horror movie!

ERIC: Oh, yeah, oh, then they'd be no stopping you!

(Red comes down the stairs.)

RED: Eric, is that kid from ... not America down here?

ERIC: Dad, it's Fez!

RED: Yeah, whatever, the Erdmans called and they - they want him to...go home! (Turns to his oldest's boyfriend) Kelso, stop saying porno!

KELSO: I didn't say it, Mr. Forman, Fez did!

FEZ: You are a bitch!

That 70's Show theme song plays.

The Forman's kitchen. Red is at the table. Kitty walks in holding a magazine.

KITTY: Okay, you know what this is Red?

RED: Some lady magazine.

KITTY: It's Cosmo!

RED: (Pissed) Oh my...

KITTY: I'm gonna tell you something, Red. I just took the "How spontaneous is your relationship" quiz. And you know what?

RED: What?

KITTY: We got three out of ten! And I cheated!

RED: Gee, I can't help but notice that you're pouting.

KITTY: Oh, no, no, I'm not pouting. That would upset our routine. God knows I wouldn't wanna move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything!

RED: Okay, here's a thought: how about you and I treat ourselves to a night out. Just the two of us. Without the kids...and Kelso.

He knows how much his oldest daughter loves Kelso.

KITTY: Well, that'd be great, Red!

RED: We'll go to Phillies.

KITTY: Phillies, huh! So you'll have the Salisbury steak and I'll have the baked chicken again!

RED: Well, maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak... I enjoy their ham!

KITTY: Oh, ham! Well, okay, then I can change one answer on the quiz! So, okay, we have four out of ten. We have moved up from ' Predictable as the tides' to 'Hum-drum'! I'll just go change!

She leaves. Red picks up the magazine.

RED: Damn Cosmo! Hoo!

(The Erdman's living room. Fez is on the couch. Mr. and Mrs. Erdman are talking to him.)

MR. ERDMAN: Son, when we took you in as an exchange student, you became our responsibility! And we're concerned about this gang of ruffians you hang out with.

FEZ: They are my friends!

MR. ERDMAN: That's exactly what they want you to think! Now we're not inflexible, we looked the other way when you started wearing cologne! But now, you've brought the devil's music into our home! (He holds up a KISS album)

FEZ: Oh, no, that is not the devil's music, it is Eric's!

MR. ERDMAN: Rebecca, show the boy. Now listen to what happens when she plays it backwards.

She puts the record on a turntable and forces it backwards. Nothing but indistinct noises result.

FEZ: That cannot be good for the record!

MR. ERDMAN: There it is! Devil loved me, Devil lives! It's clear as day! (Fez laughs) What's so damn funny?

FEZ: In my language, the record just said: 'I want to sex your monkey! '(There is a pause as Fez realizes this isn't what his host parents wanted to hear.) Which I have never done!

(The Forman's kitchen. Eric and Donna are talking.)

ERIC: So, Donna, I was thinking ... we should go see a movie tonight.

DONNA: Oh, Cool, I'd love to see 'All the President's Men.'

ERIC: Oh! Well, I actually hear that isn't very good.

DONNA: Oh.

ERIC: Yeah. Hey, I was thinking- maybe The Omen.

DONNA: Isn't that at the drive-in?

ERIC: Is that at the...? Yeah, no, I guess it is. So, do you wanna go?

DONNA: Tonight? Um. Yeah, sure!

(The Forman's porch. Donna and Laurie are talking.)

LAURIE: The Omen? That's at the drive-in!

DONNA: I know, I don't know what to do! I mean, I really like Eric and I'd like to have a physical relationship, but...

LAURIE: It's called make-out, Donna! Say it! Say it when you are talking about my little brother!

DONNA: Alright, Make-out! But I don't want it to be public! I don't want it to be tacky! I don't want there to be pressure. And now it's become this tacky public pressure make-out thing!

LAURIE: I understand. Me and Michael go public all the time. Everybody wants their first make-out to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World!

DONNA: Disney World?

LAURIE: Right, sorry. So let's focus. He asked you to the drive in...

(The screen splits in two. Donna and Laurie are on the top half. Now, on the bottom half, we see Eric and Kelso talking in the basement. We hear their conversations at the same time.)

KELSO: Donna said yes?

LAURIE: And you said yes.

ERIC and DONNA: Yes.

KELSO: Yes! Oh, this is great! Me and Laurie will come with you!

Eric: No! Not with my big sister!

DONNA: Will you come with us?

LAURIE: Why?

KELSO: Why not?

ERIC: You'd be like, competition! It's my big sister for god sakes!

DONNA: You'd be like, a loophole!

KELSO: Competition?

LAURIE: (At the same time as Kelso) Loophole?

ERIC: Yeah, I'd have to keep up with you and Laurie and that would make me nervous...

DONNA: I can always talk to you if I get nervous, 'cause you've gotta be bored with sex by now!

LAURIE and KELSO: What do you mean?

ERIC: You and Laurie have done it, like, a million times!

DONNA: (At the same time as Eric) You and Kelso have done it, like, a million times!

KELSO: (Grinning) True!

LAURIE: Yeah we done it, a million times!

KELSO: Yeah, did it in the Vista Cruiser on first date!

LAURIE: We got to third base once when we were younger, and that was an accident!

ERIC and DONNA: Whatever.

LAURIE: Don't worry, we'll be there!

KELSO: Fine, we won't come!

DONNA: Thanks!

ERIC: (At the same time as Donna) Perfect!

The Forman's living room. Red is watching TV. Kitty comes downstairs wearing a nice dress. Red turns off the TV.

KITTY: Okay, now, see, this dress says, look at me, notice me, stare at me! It's all wrong!

RED: No! You look terrific, especially for dinner at the Lion's Head!

KITTY: No! It's no good, I – What the hell?! The Lion's Head, I thought we were going to Phillies!

RED: Well, I changed my mind!

KITTY: Well, you never do that! The Lion's Head! It is so fancy! They make the butter look like little flowers!

RED: Yeah, yeah, and it's different! I mean, hey, we haven't been there in years! It'll be fun, huh?

KITTY: Oh! Oh! This is so exciting! Oh! Oh, crap! (she kisses him on the head.) Okay now, if we are going to go to somewhere that fancy, I have to shave your neck! I'll get the clippers, you hop in the car.

The Forman's basement. High time. Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are sitting in a circle, and the camera swings around to each person.

FEZ: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record!

HYDE: It's not the devil, man! It's congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock'n'roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

ERIC: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny? (He stuffs an entire Twinkie in his mouth)

KELSO: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food! Right, and thinking about Laurie!

ERIC: (Grossed out) Shut up about my big sister!

FEZ: When you play the record backwards, you can hear the devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere! (He jumps as if he has just heard the devil.) Ai!

(Hyde speaks in a deep voice, as if he were satan.)

HYDE: Satan is your master, Fez! Worship satan!

FEZ: Ai!

HYDE: But before you worship satan, get him a cherry pop! Get satan a cherry pop! Get satan a cherry pop!(In his normal voice) Pop man, get me a pop! Damn, Fez man! Get me a pop!

FEZ: Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood!

HYDE: Satan's second choice is root beer!

FEZ: Ai!

Red and Kitty are in a restaurant that used to be the Lion's Head. We can tell it is obviously not anymore, because it isn't fancy at all.

HOST: (Speaking over the PA) Warner, party of two. Warner, party of two.

KITTY: Red, what the hell is this place?

RED: Excuse me, what the hell happened to the Lion's Head?

HOST: Burned down! Five dead! Real sad! Welcome to Blannigans. May I take your name?

RED: I'll get back to you. (He turns to Kitty, who is clearly a little disappointed) Well, what do you think?

KITTY: Well, umm, it certainly is different!

RED: May not be so bad.

WAITER: On your left, sparky!

KITTY: The staff is certainly enthusiastic!

RED: I'm sure I can get us a nice quiet table.

VARIOUS STAFF MEMBERS: Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! To you!

RED: I'll put our name in the list. (He turns to the host.) Forman, party of two!

HOST: Okey-dokey, that'll be about two hours.

RED: Here's twenty bucks.

HOST: All right, we'll have something in about fifteen minutes.

RED: You don't want this place to burn down twice, do ya?

HOST: All right, we have something right now!

RED: That's what I thought! (To Kitty) Well, sweetheart, this is our lucky night! Oh. (he turns back to the host, holding out his hat.) Would you check this?

HOST: Sure. (She looks the hat over.) Looks real good!

(The Forman's driveway. Eric and Donna are ready to go.

ERIC: Alright, let's go!

DONNA: (Stalling) Maybe I should go back to my house and pop some popcorn 'cause, they always overcharge… (Laurie and Kelso walk up.) Laurie and Kelso, what are you guys doing here?

Laurie starts talking sass to her little brother's girlfriend.

LAURIE: It's my house too. What are you guys doing here?

ERIC: Donna and I are going to the drive-in…(To Kelso) remember?

LAURIE: Thank you Eric, we'd love to go! Michael, get in the car.

KELSO: Yes! I love…

LAURIE: (Cutting him off) Get in the car!

ERIC: Look, this isn't what we talked about at all!

KELSO: I'm sorry, man! I'll take it slow, try to keep up! Wahoo! Going to the drive-in!

They get in the car.

Blannigans. Red and Kitty are sitting at their table.

GUY: Hello, I'm Guy and I'll be your waiter. Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blannigantastic salad bar?

KITTY: What the hell's a salad bar?

GUY: Oh, it's right over there! All the salad fixings, and you make you own Blannigantastic salad!

RED: You mean my wife has to make her own damn salad?

GUY: It'll be worth the trip!

RED: You're kidding, right?

KITTY: Red!

RED: No, no, no, Kitty, it's okay. Now, Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad. See, she could do that at home. For free!

GUY: (Starting to get frightened) But she wouldn't have eight Blannigantastic dressings to choose from at home! Would she?

RED: Are you being a wiseacker?

KITTY: Red, honey, honey, your neck vein! It's poking out!

GUY: Sir, I can't bring you your salad or I'll get in trouble!

RED: What the hell kinda restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and nobody can bring my wife a damn salad? She works all day and we have three kids. So nobody can bring her a damn salad?!

KITTY: Red, honey, neck vein, neck vein!

RED: Come on, Kitty! Let's get the hell outta here! (They pass a group of waiters singing happy birthday) Oh, screw your freaking birthday!

The drive-in, in the Vista Cruiser. Donna and Eric are sitting uncomfortably in the front seat, while Laurie and Kelso make out in the back.

DONNA: God! This movie even sounds gross!

ERIC: That's not the movie.

LAURIE: (Sticking her head up from the backseat) So, you guys okay up here?

DONNA: No! I want - popcorn, and I want Eric and Kelso to go get it!

KELSO: Oh, Eric can go get it!

LAURIE: No! Michael, go! Get out!

The guys leave to go get popcorn. Donna starts talking sass to Laurie.

DONNA: I didn't bring you here to suck Kelso's face off!

LAURIE: I know. I'm sorry.

DONNA: This is so awkward!

LAURIE: You're right, and I wasn't being a very good friend. No more making-out, I promise.

(The guys come back.)

KELSO: All right, about the popcorn, I need money!

DONNA: What the hell? I don't want popcorn! Get back in the car!

KELSO: She doesn't know what she wants!

(He tries to make out with Laurie again, but she stops him.)

LAURIE: No, Michael, Michael, no, we are gonna watch the movie with Eric and Donna!

KELSO: But I missed the beginning!

ERIC: Okay, the little kid's the devil, they have to kill him. Watch the movie!

THE MOVIE: Look at this, Damien, it's all for you! (A scream.)

The girls scream and fall aside. Donna falls on Eric. Kelso gives Eric a thumbs up. Laurie grabs Kelso's face and pulls him down with her.

ERIC: Donna, it's just a movie. (They sit akwardly for a few more moments while Laurie and Kelso make out. Eric becomes grossed out) Aww, gross. That's my big sister! (turns to Donna) Do you wanna sit somewhere else?

DONNA: So bad!

Phillies. Red and Kitty are sitting at the counter.

KITTY: So. Here we are. Back at Phillies.

RED: Yep, good old Phillies, good food at a fair price!

KITTY: You're ordering the Salsberry steak, aren't you?

RED: Nope, I'm going for the ham!

KITTY: Red, don't put your hat on the counter, it's all greasy!

He puts his hat back on, and raises his hand for a waiter.

RED: Hey, pal, can I get some half and half?

KITTY: Well, isn't this familiar…

The scene freezes into a version of the famous diner painting with Marylin Monroe and James Dean, only the characters remain the same. The Forman's basement. Hyde is holding a couple of records.

HYDE: Okay, now this is how we sneak the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet. Observe! Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone. (He puts the Alice Cooper record into the Pat Boone cover.) Don't resist me, Pat Boone! No, you're hurting me! Come on take it! Oh it hurts! Come on! No! Ahh!

FEZ: But what if my host parents hear it?

HYDE: Then satan commands us to kill them, Fez!

FEZ: Nooo.

HYDE: I'll tell you what, we'll use the headphones!

FEZ: Yes!

Red's car. Red and Kitty are sitting and talking.

RED: Kitty, I'm sorry about tonight.

KITTY: Oh, it's not your fault, Red! You know how emotional I get when I read Cosmo!

RED: Boy, do I!

KITTY: You know – Okay, at least we gave it a try! I guess we have slowed down, flattened out, oh, at our age and with three kids, it's inevitable!

RED: Okay, that's it!

Red gives Kitty a huge kiss.

KITTY: Red, oh my lord! You're flashing back to Water Canal, aren't you?

RED: Hold on, Kitty! The night's not over!

The drive-in. Donna and Eric are laying on the hood or the car.

ERIC: You know, the stars are really…just forget it.

DONNA: What?!

ERIC: Nothin' (The car starts rocking. We are left to infer why) Well, Laurie and Kelso have certainly made themselves comfortable!

DONNA: Yeah, it's a roomy car!

ERIC: Yeah it is, you know the bench seat of the VistaCruiser… (Eric stops and they jump on each other. They kiss passionately) It's what it says in the full-body catalogue.

DONNA: Wow, that's interesting!

They jump on each other again. They fall off the car. People honk car horns and laugh.

RANDOM PERSON: Smooth move, Forman!

Eric leaps on Donna and they fall, kissing on the ground. Screen blacks. Red's car. The windows are steamed up. A hand slaps the back window, like Titanic. A police officer approaches and taps the window with his flashlight.

COP: Okay kids, break it up! Let's go! (he shines the flashlight on them and Red looks up.) Wow, hey, you're adults!

RED: Damn right, we're adults.

COP: I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.

RED: That's quite alright, we all make mistakes. Now, why don't you go bust some pot-smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult-size kick in the ass?

Kitty can be seen in the passenger seat, laughing.

COPS: Yes sir, thank you, sir! Enjoy your evening!

KITTY: Oh Red, that was so sweet, you let him off with a warning!

He grins at his wife.

RED: Yeah, but you're not getting off that easy!

He goes on top of her.

KITTY: Oh Red!

Screen fades.

The Erdman's living room. Fez and Hyde have their headphones on.

FEZ: In a godda da vida, baby!

Mrs. Erdman walks through.

HYDE: Raindrops keep falling on my head…

Mrs. Erdman smiles and leaves the room.

FEZ: In a godda da vida, honey! (To Hyde) This loud music will not damage my hearing?

HYDE: No, it's good for ya!

The Forman's living room. Red is sitting in the dark smoking. Eric walks in.

ERIC: Hey, dad.

RED: Hey, son. How was the movie?

ERIC: Pretty gory.

RED: Yeah, how did it end?

ERIC: I don't remember.

RED: 'Atta boy.

ERIC: So, how was your night?

RED: It was fantastic.

ERIC: Well, that's great! Goodnight dad!

RED: 'Night son! Oh, and be quiet going upstairs. (He smirks) Your mother is very tired.

END.

Authors Note: Fin. Review, review! Oh yeah, I decided to make Tina a main character since she's only in 1x05 and I think she needs more screen time.


	9. Thanksgiving

TIME LAPSE/AUTHORS NOTE: Due to the show's weird timeline, there will be a time lapse to that November. Every couple is still going strong and stuff. Oh yeah I'm pretending that Laurie goes to the high school too- she's 17 and I'm just pretending she's a junior because it sounds somewhat illogical and weird which is somewhat possible at the same time because my friend Steven turned 15 in eight grade and he didn't miss the cutoff of Dec.1 as his birthday is in February. There might be a flashback in this chapter.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

THE BUS STATION.

The Formans are waiting for Laurie to come back. She is picking up a friend from school.

ERIC: Laurie's bus isn't here yet. Dad, can we get in the car and turn on the heat? I'm freezing!

RED: I'm not wasting gas just so you can be comfortable.

ERIC: Can we at least go wait inside?

KITTY: I'm not going in that bus station with those people!

ERIC: God, I'm freezing!

Brianna goes near her daddy.

BRIANNA: Can I wait in the car, Daddy?

Red smiles at his little girl.

RED: Go ahead, sweetie.

Brianna smirks at her big brother and runs off. Eric looks jealous.

ERIC: How come she gets to wait in the car?!

KITTY: Oh Eric, I forgot to tell you. Your big sister's bringing a friend home, so you'll be sleeping in the basement.

ERIC: The basement!? She should sleep in Laurie's room and Laurie should stay with Kelso!

KITTY: Oh, and Red, I've been thinking. Maybe this Thanksgiving, we should skip the big turkey. Small ones are on sale at Piggly-Wiggly.

RED: This family doesn't scrimp on holidays. Can you imagine my mother sitting down to a chicken?!

Kitty: Red, your mother won't eat my cooking anyway so that won't be a problem!

ERIC: Dad, her friend should sleep in the basement!

KITTY: Red, last Thanksgiving, she said her jaw wasn't strong enough to chew the turkey. And that was a magnificent turkey!

Eric and Kitty start each arguing about their problems.

RED: (Annoyed) Alright, that's it, shut up! Now Kitty, don't get worked up over my mother and you, you're sleeping in the basement! And we're all having a happy damn Thanksgiving!

Laurie and her friend, Kate come out of the bus station.

LAURIE: Mommy, daddy, this is Kate!

KITTY: Hi!

RED: Hi sweetheart! Oh, let's get in the car, you must be freezing!

KATE: So, you're Eric. Your big sister didn't tell me you were so cute! I never saw you around school. We are going to have so much fun this weekend!

ERIC: Hey you can sleep in my room!

THE DRIVEWAY.

Red: Get Kate settled into your room.

ERIC: Yeah.

LAURIE: Oh yeah and hey, don't forget to show her your G.I. Joe dolls!

ERIC: That's such a good idea. That'll give you a chance to tell Dad you're failing Studio in art, Algebra and Theater!

RED: What?!

LAURIE: Dad, he's joking. (To Eric) I hate you! (Feels Kelso wrap his arms around her) Michael! What the hell are you doing?

KELSO: Lovin' my beautiful girlfriend.

LAURIE: I love you.

They start to make out and he picks her up into the house.

KATE: Aww! Gosh, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight. I sleep practically naked. (Goes over to Brianna) Aww. Laurie never told me she had a baby sister who's so cute!

BRIANNA: (shy smile) Thank you!

Midge comes over.

MIDGE: So Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?

KITTY: Yes. Red's mother is coming.

MIDGE: What's that pet name she has for you?

KITTY: Whore. Oh, you know she doesn't bother me as much as she does Red, and he's tense enough with Christmas coming up, having three kids, and him only working part time.

MIDGE: Part time, huh? That's rough. Oh, when Bob gets tense, we take a bubble bath together. Soaking my naked body really relaxes him.

Kitty imagines a lathered up Bob. He's covered in soap. She snaps herself out of it.

LAURIE: (O.S as she and Kelso are making out) Mom, Grandma's on the phone!

KITTY: Oh, I gotta go!

OPENING CREDITS.

THE HUB.

HYDE: So this Kate, is she hot?

KELSO: Of course she's hot. I saw her when I surprised Laurie. All eleventh grade girls are hot. I mean we've all seen the brochures, right?

JACKIE: Okay, Donna, help me play some music, right now.

They both get up and go stand near the jukebox.

HYDE: So, she's hot.

ERIC: Oh, so hot!

KELSO: She is, but not as hot as Laurie! (Starts to grin) Oh yeah, I did it with your big sister today. Eric!

ERIC: (Grossed out) Shut up about my big sister!

JACKIE: Okay, are you okay?

DONNA: Umm, yeah.

JACKIE: Donna, how can you be okay? There's a junior sleeping in his bed.

DONNA: He's sleeping in the basement.

JACKIE: Donna, stairs are not going to stop a sophomore horn dog. Barbed wire will not stop a sophomore horn dog. A wall of fire will not…

DONNA: Jackie, I get it, I get it.

JACKIE: Poor Donna, so naïve!

They sit back.

DONNA: So what do you guys wanna do?

Eric stares at the ketchup on his plate which has become Kate.

KATE: Eric, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight. I sleep practically naked.

Kelso dips a fry in the ketchup and the fantasy stops.

ERIC: Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna, just gonna, I'm tuckered out, so… I might as well go home!

He runs off.

THE FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: So, tell me about school.

BRIANNA: I got a 100% on my science test.

LAURIE: Oh, well, I have the highest grade in my social studies class.

ERIC: That's good because they just opened up that big colonial house in Green bay.

RED: Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?

ERIC: I'm, I'm not.

RED: That's right. Now, sweep the garage.

ERIC: Yes sir.

Kitty: I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery.

BRIANNA: They weren't clever enough till they learnt from you, Mommy.

Phone rings.

RED: Kitty, could you get that? I'm fixing the drawer.

KITTY: Oh dear god. Your mother has already called me five times this morning Red. You answer it.

RED: Kitty, I don't wanna talk to her.

KITTY: She gave birth to you.

RED: OK, fine. (He answers) Hello, hi Ma. Really? It's for you.

He hands Kitty the phone.

KITTY: Hello mother Forman. Uhuh. Just like I told you, I don't know like a half hour ago, the kids will be there at noon to pick you up. Yup you're right. I need to work on my attitude. Yeah yeah, whatever. Bye then! (She hangs up on her) You know, I could've married Bill Bauer. His mother was dead.

Laurie sits at the table, next to Eric and Brianna. Eric starts to talk to his big sister.

ERIC: Hey, remember the talk we had when Mom was having Brianna?

Laurie nods and starts eating a piece of the peanut butter celery.

LAURIE: (Nodding) Yeah.

The screen suddenly switches to a black and white screen. The screen reads "1969" They are in the Point Place Hospital, waiting room.

 _LITTLE GIRL IN THE WAITING ROOM: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork. The stork flew down from heaven and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby._

 _ERIC: Our parents are having a baby, too._

 _LAURIE: They had sex._

 _TIME LAPSE._

 _ERIC: It's a boy._

 _LAURIE: It's a girl._

 _HYDE: It's a boy._

 _JACKIE: It's a girl._

 _KELSO: It's a boy._

 _DONNA: It's a girl._

 _TINA: It's a girl._

 _VALERIE. Girl._

 _MIDGE: Red!_

 _BOB: What's the news?_

 _LAURIE: Father, what is it?_

 _RED: (Proudly) It's a Forman!_

BACK TO THE PRESENT DAY. THE DRIVEWAY.

BOB: What if he yells at me?

MIDGE: He's not going to yell at you! You're doing him a favor! Go! Go!

BOB: Red, what a surprise to run into you!

RED: I live here Bob. Okay, I'm going in.

BOB: I, actually, Red, I just wanted to ask you a favor. My appliance store gets real busy all over the holidays and I could use a little help down there.

RED: Oh, you're offering me a job.

BOB: Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. This is not charity.

RED: Charity.

BOB: No, not charity.

RED: I'm not looking for work anyway Bob.

BOB: But…

RED: Goodnight Bob.

BOB: Midge, he yelled at me!

ERIC'S BEDROOM.

Kate is playing with Eric's G.I Joes. Somebody knocks on the door.

KATE: Come in!

ERIC: Wow.

KATE: What?!

ERIC: Um, I was just coming up here to get something to sleep in. So, I, I guess I'l see you later.

KATE: You can stay and talk a minute if you want.

ERIC: Okay.

KATE: Close the door.

ERIC: Okay. So, Kate. That's short for Katelyn, right?

KATE: Yeah, have a seat. So, have you thought about what classes you wanna take next year yet?

ERIC: Oh. Well, I want to take robotics and meteorology. I found that it was really…

Kate kisses him. Eric starts pulling her down on the bed when she breaks the kiss.

KATE: I have to go to bed now.

ERIC: Wait, we are in bed. Oh. Okay I see. (He starts getting up and he sits down again) Okay.

KATE: So, goodnight.

ERIC: Goodnight.

KATE: Eric!

ERIC: Could just… one second…

Eric starts imagining things to cool down.

Eric, IN HIS HEAD: Okay, baseball, Vietnam, Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Pat Boone, the girl that gives the weather, no, no. Okay, jellyfish, really big spiders, come on, dig deep, dig deep, okay, the day we backed over Skipper in the driveway. Instead of going to the county fair, I had to bury him in the backyard. (Starts speaking out loud) Okay. I'm good and goodnight.

THE MORNING. KITTY AND RED'S BEDROOM.

Red is snoring lightly. Kitty pinches his nose and he wakes up, gasping for air.

KITTY: Good morning Red. Happy Thanksgiving.

RED: Well, you're up awful early.

KITTY: Well, luckily, I heard the phone ring when your mother called at five o'clock this morning.

RED: Yeah, that - that is lucky.

KITTY: Oh, before I forget, Laurie told me what she wants for Christmas. A big calculator for her algebra class.

RED: I'm working part time, she wants a big calculator. Great.

KITTY: Maybe Bob can get you a good deal on one from his store.

RED: I don't need any help from that damned Bob. You know what he did yesterday night? He offered me a job.

KITTY: He did? (Ponders) Oh crap, we have to move away from such an evil man.

RED: Hell, you're a lot of fun in the morning!

KITTY: Hey, turkey boy, wanna show me your giblets?

They both start laughing and kiss.

THE BASEMENT.

FEZ: So you made out with an eleventh grader?

ERIC: Kinda.

HYDE: Start talking.

KELSO: Tell it like a story, like a sexy story.

ERIC: Okay, she like jammed her entire tongue into my mouth and you wouldn't think a girl had like that much tongue.

KELSO: That is great! (grins) Laurie always gives me tongue-in-tongue.

ERIC: (grossed out) Oh, oh yeah.

Eric looks kinda sad.

HYDE: What?!

ERIC: I don't know, I feel kinda guilty. Almost like dirty.

KELSO: Dirty is good.

FEZ: I like feeling dirty.

ERIC: No, no, I mean I feel bad. Look, I think I gotta tell Donna.

HYDE: Really, well, on behalf of men everywhere…

Hyde slaps Eric.

ERIC: Oww! What the hell, Hyde?!

KELSO: Yeah man, the right thing to do is to juggle them both until it all blows up in your face.

ERIC: Look, you guys don't understand. I can't hide anything. The minute she looks at me, she's gonna know.

Donna comes down the stairs.

DONNA: Hey, what are you guys talking about?

ERIC: I kissed a girl.

Hyde, Fez and Kelso get up, insulting him and leave.

DONNA: You what?!

ERIC: You know that friend my big sister brought home from school?!

DONNA: The slutty one.

ERIC: Yeah, um, I kissed her.

DONNA: Why are you telling me this?

ERIC: I, I feel guilty because it was like really kissing.

DONNA: So, what we do isn't really kissing?

ERIC: I thought you should know considering that you and I have a thing. Right?

DONNA: Well, obviously we don't have a thing if you're running around kissing slutty girls right?!

ERIC: Okay, you're mad.

DONNA: Mad, no. Why should I be mad, in fact, you can kiss whatever you want. Start with your own ass!

Donna storms off.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: Why hell are you here? Why the hell are you always here? It's Thanksgiving, don't you have families?!

HYDE AND FEZ: Ugh!

KELSO: But I love Laurie, Red!

Donna passes them without even looking at them.

HYDE: Donna, you wanna talk?

KELSO: I guess Donna didn't take it very well.

RED: Take what well?

Red looks at his oldest daughter's boyfriend.

KELSO: Eric made out with Kate.

RED: Anything else?

FEZ: Your son is a whore!

Fez gets out. Kelso goes to find his girlfriend. Hyde gets a bag of chips from the cabinet and stands near the table. Eric comes in.

RED: Eric, now Donna came through here looking very upset. Would you have any idea what that's about?

ERIC: I have no idea. She seemed fine when we - um, you already know.

RED: Of course I know. Donna is such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

ERIC: I don't know. It seems like bad things are always happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

RED: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

PINCIOTTI'S KITCHEN.

Donna and Midge are sitting at the table. Tina is getting a drink and walks over to the counter. Eric comes in.

ERIC: Look, Donna, um, can we talk?

MIDGE: We'll leave you two alone. Come on Tina!

Donna senses her mom and little sister to sit down.

DONNA: No. You two should stay. We don't have secrets in our house, we don't sneak on each other like a little horny rat, kissing other girls. (Midge's mouth drops open)

ERIC: Look, Donna, please come to my house for Thanksgiving desert. Everyone's gonna be there, you always come. Please don't let some stupid thing that I did wreck that.

DONNA: Well, I can't depend on you, so why should you be able to depend on me?

ERIC: Look, Donna, please, okay, I'm really sorry, and I feel really bad.

DONNA: Good!

Eric leaves and Donna slams the door shut behind him.

MIDGE: Poor thing!

DONNA: Mom!

MIDGE: Oh you, of course I meant you!

TINA: Poor kid!

Donna stares at her little sister and screen blacks.

FORMAN DINING ROOM.

RED: Amen. Let's eat.

KITTY: Now, is everything on the table? I still feel like I forgot something. (Phone rings) Oh my god, I forgot your mother! Go! (She runs to the kitchen and picks up the receiver) (into receiver: Hello Mother Forman! No, I didn't forget you! Oh, I don't know, the Kids left a half hour ago to pick you up. I can't imagine what's keeping them. (Kitty hits on the table) to Red: Put that back.

ERIC: Oh crap! The Toyota's blocking the car, I need the keys!

KITTY: Hold on one teeny tiny second. For the love of God, move! (into receiver: Are you sure they're not there? Look out your window. Now, do you have your glasses on?

LATER.

Eric, Brianna, and Laurie come back without Grandma.

RED: Where's your grandma?

LAURIE: She's not coming. She said she's going to cousin Joe's for Thanksgiving.

RED: Ah, it's not so bad.

Laurie lights a cigarette and Red stubs it out.

ERIC: Actually, she said it was a shame she couldn't spend what might be her last Thanksgiving with her family. But she does hope we all enjoy ourselves.

KITTY: Well, you know what? That's just fine. I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday. You heard what I spelled. (Brianna laughs. The Phone rings) Forget it.

Phone keeps ringing. Eric begins getting up to answer and Red snaps his fingers for him to sit back.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Red and Bob are eating pie on the couch. Both end it, put their plates beside them, rub their stomach, put their feet up and open little bit their pants.

RED: So, you give an employees discount down there at your store?

BOB: Twenty percent.

RED: Does that cover anything like, oh, say, big scientific calculators?

BOB: Oh, heck yeah.

RED: Congratulations Bob, you just hired a man.

BOB: Good, I'm glad to hear it Red. You know you'll have to call me Mr. Pinciotti at work. (Red looks at him, angry) Oh, I got you good that time!

ERIC: Hey Donna, I'm so glad you came.

DONNA: Only came because my mom made me and Tina come. Okay?

Hyde comes over with two plates of pie.

HYDE: Hey Donna, alright, good to see you! Got you some pie!

DONNA: I don't want any stupid pie.

Donna gets up and leaves.

HYDE: What, I didn't kiss her!

Eric runs after her. Hyde looks at the two plates of pie and goes to the couch.

HYDE: Hey there Bob, you wanna piece of pie?

Bob looks at it and unzips his pants more.

BOB: Oh yeah.

Tina comes up with two slices.

TINA: You want another slice, Dad?

Bob accepts the piece from his youngest. Red and Hyde look weirdly at him. How the hell can this guy eat so many pieces of pie, at once, in one sitting?

PINCIOTTI'S KITCHEN.

Donna comes in, slams the door behind her and takes off her coat. She throws it on a chair. Eric comes in and heads towards the living room.

ERIC: Hey Donna…

DONNA: Hey, don't get all tough with me!

ERIC: Oh yeah?

DONNA: Yeah!

ERIC: Okay, sure. No look, we need to talk.

DONNA: I'll start, get out!

ERIC: What do you want me to say? I already apologized. You just wanna forget about us because I kissed some girl?

DONNA: Why did you do it?

ERIC: Well, I have on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

DONNA: So, you liked it?

ERIC: Yeah, I liked it.

DONNA: No would've been a better answer.

ERIC: Donna, look, that kiss was great and if I could take it back, I would because it's not worth ruining what you and I have.

DONNA: Eric, you are a dumbass!

ERIC: So is that like I forgive you dumbass, or get out of my house you dumbass.

DONNA: Oh, I'll say the first one.

Eric gets closer to Donna and kisses her. The kiss grows stronger and Donna holds on to him. They break the kiss.

DONNA: Wow! Tongue!

ERIC: Oh yeah. Okay well, let's go to desert.

Donna sits down and Eric opens the door.

DONNA: Just, um, one second…

ERIC: Donna?

DONNA: Just one minute.

Donna starts imagining stuff too.

DONNA, INWARDLY: Silk sheets, Joe Nameth's butt, Strawberries, Slow dancing, Ugh the washing machine with an unbalanced load. (Out loud) Well, I'm good!

They smile and walk out the door. Screen fades.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Laurie goes up to Kelso whose eating a second piece of pie.

LAURIE: This is stupid. Let's go up to my room.

KELSO: (Grins) Yes!

He hands his pie to Bob who grins in glee, and follows his girlfriend, upstairs. Screen blacks.

LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

KELSO: I love you so much. You make me so happy.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to make out and he starts to undress her when she stops him.

LAURIE: Wait.

KELSO: Laurie?!

LAURIE: One minute.

She starts imagining stuff too.

LAURIE, INWARDLY: Velvet, pink sheets, The dryer when it's running, Tango dancing, Rain, Mac & Cheese. (Out loud) Well, I'm good.

He grins and continues to undress her. The screen blacks.

THE END.

AUTHORS NOTE: Chapter's finished. Review please! Right, Donna's college sister Valerie is going to be a recurring character because I didn't think it was fair she got written out after 1x02, when she was just mentioned.


	10. Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Authors Note: I'm back with another afterschool update.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

ERIC FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY.

The guys and Donna are playing Horse in the driveway. Donna passes the ball to Kelso and he shoots. He misses.

KELSO: Damn!

HYDE: Oh, Kelso misses another one. I believe that's H-O-R.

FEZ: Oh, you are a whore.

KELSO: No, the game is horse.

FEZ: Oh.

Fez gets farther away and Hyde gives him the ball.

LAURIE: Okay, you know what Michael? I'm gonna go upstairs. I'm gonna do my homework.

Eric looks at his big sister.

ERIC: You do your homework on a Saturday night?

LAURIE: Yeah, little brother!

ERIC: Look, I mean look at me, I've got a thousand-word term paper due Monday but you don't see me sweating. I've got a whole crappy Sunday to do it.

KELSO: Laurie, don't go upstairs. I mean Steve Martin hosts this Saturday Night.

LAURIE: I love that show. But, then they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real! And then you wanna buy the stuff. Okay, see you later Michael!

She gives him a deep kiss.

KELSO: Come on Laurie, you know you want some Kelso lovin'!

They grin at each other and run into the house.

DONNA, ERIC, HYDE: Bye bye!

LAURIE: (O.S as she and Kelso are making out) Shut up!

ERIC: Hyde, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so... hip!

HYDE: Guess I don't have to worry about Jackie anymore 'cause we will never be together.

DONNA: We are so tired of hearing you say that!

HYDE: No, I am serious. We'll never be a couple.

ERIC: Yeah, when?!

HYDE: I'm picking my moment.

ERIC: Hey, where's Fez?

Fez is in the backyard. He shoots and scores.

FEZ: Make that shot whore!

OPENING CREDITS.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

KITTY: Well now, aren't the waffles extra-delicious this wonderful morning?

ERIC: Did you quit smoking again?

LAURIE: Yeah Mom. You sound, um, very perky. It's weird.

KITTY: And why do you ask little ones?

ERIC: Well, you're kinda talking like Snow White so I figured...

RED: Eric!

ERIC: Which is great. I really want you to quit.

KITTY: Well, I should've quit a long time ago. I'm a nurse, I know better. More sausage?!

BRIANNA: Yes, Mommy.

The phone rings.

RED: I'll get it. (Red answers) Hello, oh, oh, that's too bad. Well sure, we'd be glad to. Yeah, see you soon. Bye.

Red hangs up.

KITTY: Who is that dear?!

RED: My mother. Seems like Uncle Paul broke his, his ankle and she's going to church with us today.

KITTY: Oh crap. No, she's not. It's Paul's turn to take her.

RED: Well, like I said, he broke his ankle.

KITTY: Broken ankle, whatever, it's his turn.

RED: Kitty, the man is injured!

She goes to the freezer and takes out a chicken. Then she goes to the oven and takes out the ham that was cooking.

KITTY: Okay, that is just great. I will just take a chicken out of the freezer. Because we know Bernice doesn't like ham.

RED: Okay, okay look, I'll just call her and tell her that we can't make it.

KITTY: Oh, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red. You know who'll get blamed for that.

RED: Oh, why the hell should she blame you?! She's my mother!

KITTY: Something she never lets me forget!

Laurie, Eric, and Brianna start laughing quietly.

ERIC: Look, uh, you could tell her I'm sick or something.

KITTY: Eric, go upstairs and put on that shirt your grandmother gave you.

RED: Eric, just stay there. Your mother is just being ridiculous.

KITTY: You know what's ridiculous is giving your mother our phone number.

RED: What's being ridiculous is the fact that...

ERIC: Hold it! Shut up! Shu - shut up. Now look, let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, Me and Brianna will hang out with Grandma so she'll leave you alone. What do you say?

RED: Well, first of all Eric, I'm the one who says shut up and hold it. When you pay the bills, you get to say hold it and shut up. Now get your ass in the car. 'Cause we're going to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.

Red gets out.

KITTY: Well, you're damn right. Just try and stop me.

Kitty gets out.

ERIC: Crap.

Eric gets out.

GRANDMA'S DRIVEWAY

Kitty, Red, Brianna, and Laurie are waiting for Eric and Grandma in the Toyota.

KITTY: Here she comes. Oh God Red, I don't think I can do this.

RED: Kitty, do us all a favor and shut up.

KITTY: I'm fine.

Eric walks Grandma to the car.

ERIC: Careful Grandma.

Eric shuts the car door. Bernice screams.

BERNICE: Ahh! Ahh! (Eric opens the car door) Just my dress.

Eric shuts the car door very carefully.

KITTY: Well, it's nice to see you Bernice.

BRIANNA: Yeah, it's very nice to see you Grandma.

Brianna smiles in a very cute six-year old way.

BERNICE: I hate this car. You know I just hate this car. Your brother Jerry has a beautiful car. A Lincoln. But then he makes more money, a lot more money than you do.

RED: Alrighty then.

BERNICE: So, Kitty, Eric tells me that you quit smoking.

KITTY: Yes, yes I did quit. And I just, I feel great.

Bernice light a cigarette.

BERNICE: Well, good for you dear.

She turns around and blows smoke on Kitty. Kelso pops up from the back seat. Everybody screams.

LAURIE: Michael! What the hell are you doing?!

KELSO: Surprising my beautiful girlfriend.

He grins and the screen blacks.

THE CHURCH.

PASTOR: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.

Everybody stands up and silently meditate. We hear the Forman's thoughts.

KITTY: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing, delicious habit, oh god I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.

BERNICE: Dear God, what's with all the poor folks?

ERIC: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but, I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either, get her to leave early today, or burn down the school tomorrow... I mean, either or! God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Uh, amen.

RED: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah...

KELSO: Dear Lord, I wish the timing was right to propose to Laurie.

THE BASEMENT.

Hyde is sitting in his chair, Donna and Kelso are on the couch, Jackie is on the back of the couch and Fez is on a tricycle, moving back and forth.

T.V.: Welcome to Worship for shut-ins.

KELSO: Change it.

Fez changes the channel. The channel is broadcasting bowling.

HYDE: Alright, change that.

Fez changes the channel.

DONNA: How did we change channels before Fez?

KELSO: I don't think we did.

Eric comes down the stairs.

ERIC: Oh you guys! I gotta work on my term paper.

DONNA: Where's Grandma?

Donna imitates a wild beast, making her fingers into claws.

Eric: Oh, she's in the bathroom, so I've got, like, twenty minutes, half hour tops.

KELSO: Where's Laurie?

ERIC: She's upstairs.

KELSO: I gotta go!

He runs upstairs to find his girlfriend.

DONNA: What's the assignment?

ERIC: Alright. In a thousand words, describe the three branches of the United States government and their functions. I'll never make it.

DONNA: Well, go up and tell them you've got homework to do.

ERIC: No, I, I wanna keep peace in the family.

HYDE: Yeah Donna. Forman wants the Hallmark card family.

ERIC: The what?

HYDE: You know, Grandma comes over...

Kitty, Bernice and Red are in a "Just For You" card. They're all sitting on the couch and Hyde is speaking for them. Brianna and Laurie are not in the card.

KITTY: To my mother in law this beautiful Sunday. Your smiling face, your kind embrace, have made my home a happy place.

BERNICE: And I'm so happy you're the one to whom I gave my loving son.

RED: And I'm so happy you're both happy, 'cause otherwise life would be crappy.

Back the basement.

ERIC: I don't want that.

HYDE: Yeah you do. I can see it in those wide, hopeful eyes. But the reality is this.

Back to the card.

BERNICE: To my daughter in law. You took my son.

KITTY: You wrecked my life.

BERNICE: You stole my youth.

RED: You hate my wife.

KITTY: I do my best.

BERNICE: Well, that's a joke.

RED: I'm going out.

KITTY: I need a smoke.

Back to the basement. Red comes downstairs.

RED: Damn it Eric, quit hiding from your grandmother. She's old, she could die, now move it.

ERIC: I thought she was in the bathroom!

RED: False alarm.

He goes back upstairs. Kelso and Laurie come downstairs.

DONNA: Look. Go take care of your grandmother, we can do this.

She takes his binder.

ERIC: Thanks.

He goes back upstairs.

KELSO: Alright, how many words does he have?

DONNA: His name, the date, the class. Seven.

HYDE: He's screwed.

DONNA: Yeah.

KELSO: Use his middle name.

LAURIE: See, this would never happen to me. That is why I do my homework on Saturday...and cause my little brother is the epitome of bad luck.

JACKIE: I think you all could learn something from her right now.

KELSO: You know what? I did the same paper last year in history. I think I got an A. You want me to go home and get it?

He gets up and stands in front of them. Hyde does a little Hawaiian dance with his hands.

HYDE: Neero neero neero..

Donna stands up.

Donna: Lemme think. Yeah!

KELSO: Okay!

He starts to leave.

LAURIE: Michael, stop. I'm going with you!

She catches up with him.

HYDE: Hey, what do we need Kelso for, man? I know more about this stuff than he and Laurie do. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood. I need a pencil, I've got it, I've got it!

Donna opens the door and finds Kelso and Laurie making out.

DONNA: Laurie, run!

FORMAN KITCHEN.

Bernice is smoking a cigarette while Brianna is playing with her reborn baby doll.

KITTY: I hope you're hungry as the chicken will be done soon.

BERNICE: I can't eat chicken. You know I have an irritable bowel. (She takes a long drag off the cigarette and Kitty looks at her, tempted) You should've made a ham.

ERIC: Oh boy Grandma, that was a great service this morning, don't you think?

BRIANNA: It was, Big Bro.

Eric smiles at his baby sister. She's growing up to be so smart and beautiful.

BERNICE: Well, I think the pastor talked too much about forgiveness. Some people shouldn't be forgiven.

ERIC: That is why theology is such a rich...

KITTY: You know Bernice, some people don't need forgiveness. They just need a little understanding.

ERIC: Oh too true. Have you seen God spell?!

BERNICE: You know what I don't understand is how in hell a brilliant young man like my Red could've thrown away everything...

Kitty stands up and throws Eric a pleading look.

ERIC: Grandma, why don't we go into the living room and I'll rub your feet?!

Grandma gets up and hugs Eric.

KITTY: (Mouths) Thank you. (Brianna pats her shoulder)

BERNICE: Wonderful boy! Oh, look at how thin you are. Is your mother feeding you and your sisters enough? You should come and live with me.

ERIC: Ha, ha, ha. NO.

LIVING ROOM.

Red is on the couch watching the game. When Eric and BERNICE come in, HE leaps up.

RED: Hi! I was just on my way to the garage to fix this!

Red holds up a bunch of grapes made out of glass.

ERIC: Dad, just watch your game.

RED: No, no. It's just the Packers.

Red turns off the television and leaves while BERNICE is already taking off her shoes.

BERNICE: Eric, where have you been hiding, and where has your big sister been hiding?!

ERIC: Well, I've been doing some homework, and Laurie's out with her boyfriend who she's been with for seven months.

BERNICE: Oh, that's important.

ERIC: Yeah, you know, actually it's a really interesting...

BERNICE: Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing. (She puts her feet on the table and Eric gets down on his knees) You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion.

ERIC: Oh, oh crap! Oh dear!

Eric starts rubbing her feet and Grandma moans with delight. Fez comes into the room. Jackie and Brianna follow him in.

FEZ: Goodbye Eric, I am going home now.

Brianna looks sad that Fez is leaving. Eric leaps up and chases after him.

ERIC: No, wait Fez, you haven't met Grandma!

FEZ: Oh, Hello Grandma! (He stares at her feet) Oh, in my village, we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.

BERNICE: You wanna rub 'em?!

FEZ: (to Eric) May I?

ERIC: Knock yourself out!

Fez starts rubbing Grandma's feet and she moans with delight. Fez is pleased. Jackie looks grossed out.

JACKIE: Eww!

BRIANNA: Ugh!

Jackie smiles at the little girl. She then gets an idea.

JACKIE: Hey, Cutie pie. Wanna play Candy Land?

Brianna starts jumping up and down.

BRIANNA: Yes!

Brianna starts going to the basement. Eric smiles at Jackie, because she made his baby sister happy and he doesn't like when his baby sister is sad.

ERIC: (to Jackie) Thank you!

She gets a coke from the fridge and joins the little girl in the basement. Eric leaves.

FORMAN GARAGE.

Red is sitting listening to the game on the radio.

ERIC: Hey dad.

Red leaps up and starts hammering a paint can.

RED: Damn it Eric! Don't sneak up on a person like that when they're doing this. (Red hammers the can some more) How's it going in there?!

ERIC: I rubbed her feet.

RED: Well, you're a brave one. Better get back in there.

ERIC: Hey dad?! You're coming back inside.

RED: Eric, I love your grandmother very, very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her!

ERIC: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?!

RED: You know son, sometimes, you've just gotta play through the pain.

Eric: What?!

RED: I don't know, just get back in there!

ERIC: Right.

THE BASEMENT

Jackie and Brianna are playing Candy Land (The box with no stash) Hyde is talking and Donna is listening, trying to write down what he's saying.

HYDE: With their sugar coated ideals designed to anesthetize the ignorant masses. Why? So that the military slash corporate branches can carry out world domination. Alright, read that back to me.

He sits. Donna clears her throat.

DONNA: Okay. Woun woun woun woun, woun.

HYDE: You didn't get that?

JACKIE: Nobody understood that!

DONNA: Alright, let's just use the encyclopedia.

HYDE: Oh, oh, you just wanna vomit up fact from an encyclopedia?

DONNA: Yes.

HYDE: Okay, fine. You know what? Vomit away, I will not be a part of this!

Kitty comes down the stairs.

KITTY: Eric, are you down here?!

DONNA: He's not in here Mrs. Forman.

KITTY: Donna, good. Why don't you and Jackie come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get? (Hyde gets up) Not you Steven. Grandma doesn't like you.

Kitty starts going up.

DONNA: You lucky bastard.

HYDE: Well what the hell, what am I supposed to eat?

KITTY: Um, you know, help yourself to the deep freeze.

She, Jackie, Brianna, and Donna go upstairs.

HYDE: But everything's frozen! And I have a dryer!

THE DINING ROOM.

RED: Honey, these cheesy potatoes are delicious. Mmm!

KITTY: Thank you honey.

DONNA: They really are great, Mrs. Forman.

JACKIE: They sure are.

BRIANNA: They are, Mommy.

ERIC: We have them whenever Grandma comes over, 'cause Mom knows how much she loves them, right Grandma?

BERNICE: They make me sick. I'm allergic to dairy.

FEZ: Oh, how sad.

RED: Ma, this is Wisconsin, you're not allergic to dairy.

KITTY: Well maybe she's just allergic to my dairy.

DONNA: If you're allergic to dairy, you shouldn't be putting cream in your coffee. I mean, cream is dairy...

ERIC: Donna, I just, no, no! Ok?

JACKIE: Shut up, Donna!

BERNICE: You shut up, Eric. Who the hell are you two?!

ERIC: Grandma, that's Donna and Jackie. You've known them for sixteen years.

BERNICE: I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better.

FEZ: The feeling is mutual.

Red talks in between bites.

RED: Damn! I hears a noise in the garage! Raccoons! Bye!

Red gets up.

KITTY: Well, um, I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough.

Kitty gets up.

DONNA: I'm going back downstairs. Excuse me.

Donna gets up.

JACKIE: Me and Brianna are going back downstairs.

Brianna and Jackie get up.

ERIC: So, what say we watch Laurence Welk, uh, Grandma?

BERNICE: No, I'm going to watch Laurence Welk with my new friend. You up for another foot rub, Desi?!

Eric stares at her, shocked. He sighs in happiness and relief. He starts to head back to the basement.

THE BASEMENT.

Hyde is sitting on the dryer. It rings and he gets off.

HYDE: Oh! Fry time!

Eric, Donna, Jackie, and Brianna come downstairs while Hyde opens the dryer and takes out the fries.

HYDE: Ooh! Hot! Hot!

ERIC: What the hell are you doing?

HYDE: Um, just working on your report here and having some fries.

ERIC: You put French fries in my mother's dryer?!

HYDE: Yeah well, the fish sticks are too flakey, so I... nah.

Jackie starts laughing.

JACKIE: Steven, you are so funny!

She and Brianna continue playing Candy Land. Laurie and Kelso come back in the basement. Kelso's hair is ruffled and his shirt is inside out. It's pretty obvious they had sex.

DONNA: Finally! Where have you guys been?

KELSO: Um, we had to look for the paper, and eat and then some stuff happened, you know.

ERIC: You shirt's inside out.

KELSO: Yeah, that's the stuff!

DONNA: Where's the paper?!

KELSO: Right, OK, see, it wasn't on the three branches of the government, it was on the four food groups!

DONNA: OK, look. My dad's got the world books, I'll just run next door and get G.

LAURIE: Ohh, I'll go with you.

Laurie runs out the door. Donna turns to Kelso.

Donna: You can get her pregnant now.

ERIC: Aww, Donna. That's my big sister. Don't encourage Kelso to knock her up!

Donna goes out.

KELSO: You know, I'm tired of everyone making jokes about me and Laurie!

HYDE: Moron! Everyday you say you're going to propose to her!

Kelso takes off his shirt to turn it inside out. He has a big purple hickey on his chest.

KELSO: Well, you guys don't know love like I do! (Kelso looks down and sees the hickey. He puts his hand over it to hide it) I mean, it's not just about having sex! We love each other!

HYDE: She gave you a hickey, man!

Eric: You know what?! I don't care anymore. All I wanted was a little help with my paper and you've done nothing.

HYDE: We put your middle name in.

Eric leans over to see it.

ERIC: Jean-Claude?! (Jackie laughs silently)

HYDE: Yeah, that's two words.

ERIC: You guys suck. Just thank God for Donna.

Laurie and Donna come back in.

DONNA: OK, bad news. My mom sold some at a garage sale, but we have B, X, and R.

Kitty comes downstairs.

KITTY: Alright, alright, now you listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!

BRIANNA: Mommy!

ERIC: But mom, we don't smoke...

KITTY: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. One, two, three, four, five! Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to! (One hand puts a cigarette between her fingers) Thank you! Light!

Five lighters offer her light.

RED: Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

Kitty gives Eric the cigarette and he puts it in the freezer.

KITTY: Well, there you are Red!

RED: Ma said the cat bit her, so I'm down here looking for it.

LAURIE: Dad, we don't have a cat.

RED: That's what I thought.

Red sits down to the game and everyone is still.

KITTY: Well, you know we really, we shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend up there alone with Grandma. (Kitty sits down) Really, it's, it's kinda nice down here.

Hyde sits down and offers her the fry bag. Kitty takes one. Screen blacks.

THE FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Red, Kitty and Eric are ushering Bernice to the car. Laurie and Brianna are in the house.

BERNICE: Oh, thank you for a wonderful dinner.

KITTY: Well, you are so very welcome.

BERNICE: Well, now, I hope I wasn't any bother.

RED: No, Ma, you're no bother. You're as welcome as flowers in May.

Eric looks shocked.

KITTY: Oh, here Bernice, I wrapped up some chicken for you to take home.

BERNICE: Oh, thank you dear. And I hope you put some of those cheesy potatoes in there. You know how much I love them.

ERIC: What?! I thought you made such a big deal about how you were allergic to..

RED: Eric! It's been a perfectly nice Sunday. Let's not spoil it.

Red and Bernice get in the car.

BERNICE: Sweetheart, I hope I didn't make too big a deal about my allergies.

RED: Oh, no Ma. He's a kid! He, uh, overreacts.

BERNICE: You know, this is the cutest little car! I just love it!

A FEW MINUTES LATER. LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

KELSO: I love you so much. You are so amazing.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They begin to make out and undress each other. Screen blacks.

THE BASEMENT.

Eric is working on his paper. Kitty comes downstairs.

ERIC: Eight hundred twenty-five, Eight hundred twenty-six...

KITTY: Eric, what are you doing?! It's one o'clock in the morning.

ERIC: I'm just finishing up some homework. What are you doing down here?!

KITTY: Oh, well, Snow White came down to gun a stick.

Kitty pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

ERIC: Look mom, I wish you wouldn't smoke.

KITTY: I know, I know, this is my last one, I promise. By the way, thanks for your help with your Grandma today.

ERIC: Can I ask you a question?

KITTY: Mmm-hmm.

ERIC: What does she have against you, Mom?

KITTY: Well, about twenty-five years ago your father was dating this very attractive well-to-do woman that your grandma liked, and he married me instead. And she never forgave me. Well then I had your big sister...then you, and then your little sister. She calmed down a bit when Brianna was born. What a crazy year!

ERIC: That bitch!

Kitty starts laughing. Eric joins her.

THE TAG.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Grandma and Fez are watching Laurence Welk.

FEZ: Now, who is the lady with cotton-candy dress?

BERNICE: That's Norma Zimmer, the Champagne Lady!

FEZ: She's very talented.

BERNICE: And see those two dancing? That's Bobby and Cecile. I like his tight pants. Oh, she's a slut.

FEZ: You know, I have seen this show before but the band leader was much more masculine. (Fez says something in Spanish and Grandma looks at him) Oh, bubbles!

THE END.

Authors Note: Finished. Review, review, please. Oh, and give me ideas for S1- well if you guys are still reading which I somewhat doubt. Thanks!


	11. Eric's Buddy

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

Point Place, Wisconsin.  
December 8, 1975.  
3:18 p.m.  
Point Place High School.

CUT TO: INT. In front of Point Place High School. Eric and Buddy are talking.

ERIC: Alright, this is basically all you need to know about Bohr's theory of atomic structure.

He hands some papers to Buddy.

BUDDY: Cool, man, thank. Appreciate it. Listen, you don't mind me being your chemistry lab partner?

ERIC: No. Why would I mind?

BUDDY: Just 'cause I , uh…you know, I tend to blow things up. (He goes up to a red Trans AM and starts to unlock it.)

ERIC: Whoa, whoa, um, Buddy, what are you doing?

BUDDY: Unlocking my car.

ERIC: No way! This is your car! Oh, so you're the guy I hate.

BUDDY: Yeah! Yeah, that'd be me.

ERIC: Can I just…? (Motions looking at the car)

BUDDY: Yeah, uh-huh!

Eric runs over to the passenger side of the car.

ERIC: (Amazed) I'm s-so glad you're my lab partner!

BUDDY: I could take you for a ride if you want.

ERIC: No way. Oh, let's go! (He jumps in the car. Buddy gets in the other side. Eric looks at the power windows and rolls them up and down)

BUDDY: Hey, don't do that. (Eric stops and looks down sheepishly.) I'm kidding!

Eric rolls the windows again. Screen blacks.

CUT TO: INT. Bargain Bob's. Red and Bob are in Bob's store.

BOB: Here you go, Red! Your very first paycheck!

RED: Thanks Bob. You know, eh, I really appreciate the job.

BOB: Yeah, I just wish you had a commission check in there.

RED: Well, I haven't sold a damn thing.

BOB: Yet. But if I paid people for almost selling something you'd be rich. But I don't so you're not! But hey! Today is your day.

Red spots a customer eyeing some refrigerators. He walks up to her.

RED: Oh, hi! Uh, can I help you?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I'd like to buy a refrigerator.

Bob pats Red's shoulder.

BOB: Whoo-hoo! (he leaves)

RED: Well, what kind of refrigerator would you like?!

CUSTOMER: Well, I don't know.

RED: OK, what kind of features are you looking for?!

CUSTOMER: Um…I'd like it to be cold.

RED: Yeah. Uh, well. How many cubic feet of food does your family consume in a week?!

CUSTOMER: Gee, I don't know. I do know I like harvest gold!

RED: See, well now there's your first mistake. Now, color is the last thing that you wanna consider. You see, I can't sell you something, if you don't know what you really want.

CUSTOMER: Yes. It was wrong of me to walk in here ready to write a check. But thanks!

She leaves, while Red stands frustrated with the sale he let slip out of his fingers.

Theme song plays.

CUT TO: INT. Point Place High School. Hyde and Kelso are standing shivering outside of the school. Eric's Vista Cruiser is sitting in it's space.

HYDE: Where the hell's Forman, man? This isn't like him.

KELSO: I'm really starting to get worried. What if something happened to him?

HYDE: Nothing happened to him.

KELSO: What if he's lost? Or hurt somewhere?

HYDE: Calm down, Lassie. I'm sure Timmy's just fine.

KELSO: Yeah, maybe we should check the school morgue.

HYDE: Kelso, the school doesn't have a morgue.

KELSO: Then what do we pay all those taxes for?

HYDE: You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.

KELSO: I'm worried, man.

HYDE: Ok, fine, now let's just be logical, right? I mean, Forman's not gonna just ditch us. The Cruiser's battery's probably dead or something. (He goes over to the Cruiser and tries to open the door)

KELSO: OK, let's see if Laurie's still here. She told me she stayed after for Algebra.

HYDE: You really love her, don't you?

KELSO: (grinning) Yeah!

They go to find Laurie. She's not there.

HYDE: Damn!

KELSO: You know what, it's starting to get late. Maybe we should just start walking.

HYDE: Oh, no no, I am not walking. If God wanted us to walk, he wouldn't have given us Forman...and well Forman's big sister as your girlfriend.

KELSO: Shut up about my girlfriend!

Hyde laughs and they start to walk.

CUT TO: INT. The Hub. Jackie, Fez, and Donna are sitting. Eric and Buddy drive up outside in Buddy's car. SONG: "Rebel, Rebel " by David Bowie.

JACKIE: Oh my God, that's Buddy Morgan.

DONNA: Oh, crap, I had such a crush on him in the seventh grade.

FEZ: He's driving the fiery chariot of the sun god.

JACKIE: He's with Eric? This is a serious clique breach.

DONNA: A serious clique breach? Well, that's the worst kind!

JACKIE: You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique. (She holds up the mustard to signify "rich kids".) They mingle with the jock clique. (This is symbolized by ketchup.) Then you have your smokers (pepper) and your heads. (Salt.) Ok? Rich kids can be smokers, and jocks can be heads. But jocks can not be smokers unless they're rich!

DONNA: What about Larry Mosely?! He's a rich jock smoker head.

JACKIE: Ok, well now you're just being difficult.

Eric and Buddy walk into the Hub.

ERIC: Hey, guys, um, Buddy, you know everyone, right?

BUDDY: Hi. Uh, no I don't think we've actually met. (He indicates Fez)

FEZ: No. I am Fez.

BUDDY: Hi.

FEZ: My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.

ERIC: Ok, let's head back to my house.

CUT TO: INT. The kitchen. Red and Kitty are in the kitchen. Red is sitting at the table. Kitty is fixing something to eat, as Brianna is doing homework.

KITTY: Now, now, Red, you know, working as a salesman is different from working at a plant. You just, you need time to adjust. You need to use your people skills! (Laughs)

RED: Kitty, I don't have any people skills.

BRIANNA: Yes you do, Daddy!

KITTY: OK, come on now, come on. Even our six year-old says you can. Buck up. You can do this. All you have to do is smile. That is the most important people skill of all. So, come on, let me see it. Come on! (Red forces a tense, rigid smile) OK. You just keep on smiling.

BRIANNA: Yay, Daddy!

KITTY: (Smiles) Good girl. Let's work on your homework.

BRIANNA: OK, Mommy!

They start to work on the homework. Screen blacks.

CUT TO: INT. Forman Basement. The gang is hanging out in Eric's basement. Buddy is sitting in Hyde's chair. Donna, Eric and Jackie are sitting on the couch. Fez is sitting in his chair. They are all watching Gilligan's Island.

FEZ: Hey, they're finally getting off the island!

ERIC: No, Fez, they're not getting off the island.

FEZ: But they have a clock and a radio. What could go wrong?

(They stare at the TV and watch the story unfold.)

FEZ: Oh, Jilligan.

Hyde and Kelso walk in, cold and shaking and very mad.

ERIC: Oh. There you guys are. Hey, where the hell have you been?!

KELSO: Where have we…where have you been? We've been worried sick about you!

HYDE: We had to walk all the way here, man. My feet are killing me!

KELSO: Are your fingers broken? You can't use a phone?!

HYDE: Do you know it's freezing outside? And I'm wearing my uncle's boots so now I have a blister.

DONNA: Shaggy, Scooby, we got company. (Points to Buddy)

HYDE: Huh. Buddy Morgan. Yeah, I know you.

BUDDY: Yeah, um, I guess it's my fault. I gave Eric a ride home, so uh…

HYDE: Get outta my chair!

BUDDY: OK! (He gets up) I really had to be going anyway, so…oh, hey! Your car's still at school, huh?

KELSO: Yeah, you're damn right it is!

BUDDY: Well, I could drop you off.

ERIC: Oh, yeah! Sure! And, hey guys, I'm real sorry I forgot about you.

BUDDY: Hey, did you wanna drive?

ERIC: HELL YES!

He grabs Buddy's keys and races up the stairs. Buddy follows him.

FEZ: I call back seat!

(He follows them.)

KELSO: See that?! He just ditched us again.

JACKIE: Do you even know how difficult it is to clique jump? Eric has achieved something very special and you are both ruining it for him!

KELSO: Who cares. I'm tired, and I never wanna walk anywhere again.

JACKIE: (Jumps up) I'm gonna play dolls with Brianna.

She goes upstairs.

KELSO: I'm gonna go see Laurie. I'm so in love with her. She makes me so happy.

Kelso grins and runs upstairs. Donna turns to Hyde.

DONNA: Ok, what's your problem with Buddy? I mean, he seems nice enough.

HYDE: Screw him, man. I mean, he's got the money, the car, the family, the teachers like him, the counselors like him, everybody likes him! I hate him.

DONNA: Hyde, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

HYDE: Donna, let me tell you something. OK? When high school's over, Buddy Morgan's going to a great college. You know where I'm gonna be? Sitting right here in my uncle's boots.

DONNA: Well, at least you got great friends. And, um, I'll always be your friend.

HYDE: Thanks, Donna. (He puts his hand on her leg)

DONNA: That was sympathy, Hyde. Not an opening for you to put your hand on my knee.

HYDE: Sorry. (He keeps his hand where it is.)

DONNA: Move your hand!

He moves his hand up and down. Donna laughs and throws his hand away.

CUT TO: INT. Laurie's bedroom. Laurie is reading a magazine when someone knocks on the door. She turns her head and opens the door to find her boyfriend of 8 months, at the door. She wraps her arms around him and they start to kiss. He kicks the door closed.

LAURIE: What happened?

KELSO: Your brother's an idiot. He hitchhiked a ride with Buddy Morgan, so me and Hyde had to walk!

LAURIE: Aww, my poor baby!

She continues to say more when he starts to undress her. Screen blacks.

CUT TO: INT. Bargain Bob's. Red is at work, and he is trying to help a customer.

RED: (Flashing his rigid grin) Now ma'am, I'm a friendly guy; I have three kids. And I wanna help you. But if you don't know how many amps you need, there's nothing I can do for you! Think lady! (The customer jumps in fear and tries to get away) No, wait, wait, wait, Bob! Bob!

Bob runs over to the frightened customer and puts his arm around her reassuringly.

BOB: Hi there! I'm bargain Bob. Oh! I see you're looking at blenders. Now this one here? (He indicates the smallest of three blenders in front of him.) All wrong for you. I'd say it's between these two. But this one? (Indicating the largest of the remaining two.) Visualize yourself blending with this one. Huh? Oh, yeah. Ok, just take that over to the cashier, and have a beautiful day.

The customer walks away from Bob smiling. She sees Red and becomes fearful, and hurries away.

CUT TO: INT. The Hub. Kelso is playing pinball, and Hyde is sitting with his head on the table.

FRANK: Number ten, your order is ready.

KELSO: Yeah, I'll be right there.

FRANK: Number ten, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

KELSO: Alright! (He leaves his game and goes over to the counter.) I don't see why you can't just serve us our food, Frank. We are paying customers, you know.

FRANK: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

KELSO: You have both your legs, Frank.

FRANK: Like I said. I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!

Donna walks into the Hub.

DONNA: Hey, guys. (She sits at the table with Kelso and Hyde)

HYDE: Hey, man, where's Forman?

DONNA: Uh, I dunno. He's not with me.

HYDE: He's with that damn Buddy again. You know, he only hangs out with Buddy 'cause he's got a Trans AM.

DONNA: So? You guys only hang out with Eric 'cause of the Vista Cruiser and the basement.

HYDE: We've been friends with Forman since he was a kid, man. Way before he had any of that stuff...And before Kelso started to date Laurie.

KELSO: Yeah! That's right. Remember when he used to have that tree house and a go-kart?

Frank walks over to their table and points to Hyde.

FRANK: Hey. You. Buy something, or get out! I've got a big wedding coming in.

HYDE: Frank, you don't have a big wedding coming in!

FRANK: Oh, did I say wedding?! Because I meant to say, buy something, or get out! (He walks away)

HYDE: Fine, I'll go someplace else then! (He gets up and starts to walk to the door, then turns back to Donna and Kelso.) Come on, let's go!

DONNA: Mmn! (Her mouth is full of Kelso's french fries)

KELSO: I'm not going anywhere, I just bought a hot dog!

HYDE: I'm outta here.

He turns and leaves. He stands outside the door shivering for a while, then he comes back inside. He walks up to the counter where Frank is.

FRANK: Hello, welcome to the Hub. May I help you?

Screen cuts to a montage of Buddy and Eric hanging out. Song: "Courtship of Eddie's Father Theme Song ". Eric and Buddy are playing pinball, then they turn around and jump up and slap hands. Cut to them playing basketball. Eric takes a shot, and it's way off target, but they shrug, jump, and slap hands. Cut to the Hub. Buddy hands Frank some money, and Frank motions that he wants ten more dollars, so Buddy hands it over. He puts a brown bag on the counter. Buddy and Eric jump and slap hands. Cut to them doing something in chemistry. Eric pours a clear liquid into a red one, and the stuff foams over the edge of the beaker. Eric and Buddy jump and slap hands.

CUT TO: INT. The movies. Buddy and Eric are at the movies. They are walking back out to Buddy's car.)

BUDDY: That was a great movie, huh?

ERIC: Yeah. I mean, who'd've thought that working at a car wash could be so much fun?

Buddy and Eric get in the car.

BUDDY: So, what do you wanna do now?

ERIC: I don't know. Oh, ah! Erm…

BUDDY: What?

ERIC: Nothing. I forgot to call Donna.

BUDDY: Oh, Donna. So, she's like, your uh, girlfriend?

ERIC: I dunno. It's…I don't know.

BUDDY: Yeah, it's…it's ok to be confused, Eric.

ERIC: Yeah, you know, sometimes, I feel like…I don't know. Like, we're in a movie, right? And, um…I'm nervous around her. And I feel like I'm playing this part, right? But it's not me.

BUDDY: Mmm-hmm. (He leans over to Eric and kisses him. Eric realizes what is happening and leaps away)

ERIC: WHOA! WHOA! Whoa!…whoa…

BUDDY: What?

ERIC: You! You are…you, you're gay!

BUDDY: Me? Heh, no, I'm not gay.

ERIC: You're not? But you…you just kissed me!

BUDDY: Ok, I'm gay.

ERIC: Can you take me home now?

Cut to the car on the way home. Eric is sitting in shock.

ERIC: Look, I'm not gay.

BUDDY: Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?

ERICM: Yes!

BUDDY: Because I just thought that…

ERIC: Well, why would you think that?

BUDDY: 'Cause we've been spending so much time together…

ERIC: Because we're friends! Ri…I've…I've been friends with Hyde for years and I never put the moves on him.

BUDDY: I wouldn't blame you. That guy's a jerk.

ERIC: Yeah, well…yeah, but that's not the reason! Um, it's because I'm not gay.

BUDDY: Right. I'm sorry for kissing you.

ERIC: That's ok. I mean, it's…let's just forget about it.

BUDDY: Do you wanna listen to the radio? (Moves his hand towards the middle of the car)

Eric: Hey! I told you I wasn't gay!

CUT TO: INT Forman living room. Red and Kitty in the Forman's living room. Red is blending something. Brianna is watching a Kids show.

RED: I'm dead weight. I'm quitting, Kitty.

He pours uncrushed ice from the blender into a cup and mixes a drink.

KITTY: Well, now, you can't quit.

RED: Why not?

KITTY: Because it things keep going like this, Bob's gonna fire you! Ha! It's a joke, Red! Oh, I know! I know, let's do some role playing.

RED: What?

KITTY: Some role playing! I'll be the interested customer and you be the helpful salesman.

RED: Does this end up in the bedroom?

KITTY: We'll see. OK! Here we go. (She spins around to "change" characters.) My, that's a lovely blender.

RED: This is stupid.

KITTY: Red?

RED: Well, it's got, uh, stainless steel rotor blades so it can crush ice, which is why I keep it out here at the bar, um, and it has the highest wattage that you can get, without moving up to the industrial model, which would cost you twice as much.

KITTY: Well, now, see, we have had this blender all these years and I never knew that's why we bought it.

RED: You didn't know-how could you not know that?

KITTY: Well, Red, everybody doesn't research every product before they buy it!

RED: Well, then they're dumbasses.

KITTY: That's right! And that's why they need you to tell them what to buy.

RED: Hmm.

KITTY: (Snorts) Well, I think you are just tailor made for this job! Heck, I go in to buy something, all I know is what color I want.

RED: You're one of them!

KITTY: Well, I think you should be nice to me, Red. Because I think I might be interested in purchasing a mattress.

She turns to go upstairs.

RED: Kitty, we don't even sell ma-oh! (He follows her)

CUT TO: INT. The Basement. The gang is in the basement. Hyde is in his chair, Kelso is sitting on the couch, Laurie is massaging his shoulders, Jackie is playing dolls with Brianna, and Donna and Fez are standing behind them reading a magazine.)

KELSO: I miss Eric.

Donna and Fez go to the other side of the room.

LAURIE: I know, Baby. But Eric's a dumbass and you have me!

KELSO: (grins) Yeah! But it's not the same Laurie! I can talk to Eric about things that…that I can't talk about with you.

LAURIE: Right.

KELSO: I love you!

They start to make out.

JACKIE: Aww! You two are so sweet together!

LAURIE: I know!

Eric walks into the basement.

DONNA: Hey, Eric, how's it- (Eric doesn't let her finish, he grabs her up and kisses her. Everyone just stares)

ERIC: So what's everyone looking at? (He pulls Donna closer to him, and Donna just stands, somewhat confused.)

HYDE: What are we looking at? Man, we haven't seen you in days!

ERIC: Oh, what, Hyde, you had to walk all the way home from school again?

KELSO: Well, that's not the only reason we're upset with you.

HYDE: That's my only reason.

KELSO: I thought you had another reason.

HYDE: No, that's pretty much it.

DONNA: Where's Buddy?

ERIC: Oh, Buddy! Um…Well, Buddy got…busy, so…

JACKIE: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has a lot to do. He is "popular."

FEZ: Yes, and so obviously gay.

(Eric looks uncomfortable)

JACKIE: Buddy is not gay!

KELSO: Please, Fez. That's just stupid! If Buddy was gay he would have been all over me, if I wasn't dating Laurie! (Everybody just stares at him) Well, he would've!

CUT TO: INT. Outside of Forman house. Jackie is going home. Brianna is playing with her reborn baby doll.

DONNA: See you guys later.

HYDE: So, Forman? Uh, now that the scary kid is gone, is Buddy gay?

ERIC: Well, I don't think it's really my place to…

DONNA, LAURIE, HYDE: He's gay.

ERIC: OK, guys. Hypothetical situation. Crazy scenario, wouldn't happen, in, like, a million years, let's just, let's say, OK, that Buddy made a move on me.

DONNA: Eric, he's not gonna make a move on you if he knows you're straight.

HYDE: I dunno, I mean, Forman is pretty irresistible.

ERIC: I don't think he'll make a move on me again.

DONNA, LAURIE, HYDE: Again?!

ERIC: Or for the first time? You know? I gotta go. (He leaves.)

Hyde: You know, Donna. If, uh, Forman ever decides to dabble in the love that dare not speak it's name, I'm here for ya.

Donna laughs.

LAURIE: I can't believe Buddy hit on my little brother.

KELSO: (Drinks his Coke and wraps his arms around Laurie) I'm here for ya, Baby!

LAURIE: I love you!

They grin at each other and run into the house. Donna and Hyde sit down where Brianna is playing with her reborn baby doll.

HYDE: What'cha doing, Cutie Pie?

BRIANNA: Baby!

CUT TO: INT. Bob's store, Red is talking to another customer.

RED: Well, you got your variable speed here, it's completely stainless steel throughout, so you know it will last forever, comes with everything you see, and um, so the only decision you'd have to make is what color do you want?

CUSTOMER 2: Oh, I'll take white.

RED: Can't go wrong there!

CUSTOMER 2: Thank you so much. You know, you're the most helpful salesman I've ever had!

RED: Oh, well. Thank you. Well, you go ahead and look around, I'll write this up. (He runs up to Bob) I sold a mix master!

BOB: Oh, jeez, Red, that's great! Hey, what'd I tell ya? Today's your day!

Red picks up the phone and dials.

RED: Hello, Kitty? Guess who sold a mix master!

CUT TO: INT. Outside Point Place High School, Buddy walks outside and Eric comes out behind him.

ERIC: Hey, Buddy! Um, I'm gonna need those chemistry notes back.

BUDDY: Oh, yeah. Listen, man, if you don't wanna be my lab partner anymore, then, I'll, I'll understand.

ERIC: No, no, oh, I didn't mean it like that. Um, look, we're still friends.

BUDDY: Really?

ERIC: Yeah. A-actually, Buddy, um…I wanted to ask why, um…why, why, um…me?

BUDDY: I don't know, man, it's probably, it's probably the same reason that Donna likes you, you know? You're smart and sensitive and…nice looking.

ERIC: OK. Well, first of all, I'm not really that smart. Those notes I gave you? Copied. OK? And as for sensitive, sometimes I can just be downright mean.

BUDDY: (laughing.) You're so cute!

ERIC: Well, that is…well, I guess I am!

THE END.

Authors Note: Chapter finished. Review, favorite, follow, please. Oh, yeah when should Jackie and Hyde get together? Please tell me. Thanks!


	12. The Best Christmas Ever

Authors Note: No reviews last chapter...hmm. Oh right, I'm just pretending that Laurie was never a whore and the only person she dated was Kelso. They have some sort of history between them- but you have to read the story to find out.

CUT TO: INT. THE BASEMENT.

Everybody is watching Christmas cartoons and Donna is decorating a tree. Brianna is playing with her reborn baby doll.

DONNA: Man the Grinch has a big butt!

FEZ: Yes, nothing says Christmas like a big green Grinch ass!

DONNA, to ERIC: Hold the ladder for me.

KELSO: So, Eric what are you doing on Christmas Eve?

ERIC: Oh, my parents are having the same lame Christmas party they have every year. All the adults: 'Hey neighbor, is that mistletoe?'

He acts as if he was kissing someone.

DONNA: Alright, now how does that look?

Eric and Hyde face her butt.

HYDE: It's great man!

ERIC: Oh, so fabulous!

DONNA: Guys, the ornaments are up here…

HYDE and ERIC: Oh yeah, that's great!

JACKIE: Oh, I just love Christmas! It's all about good tidings and cheer, uh, and shopping!

HYDE: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus was going for.

JACKIE: Hey, I give too. Every year my friends and I deliver gift baskets to the unfortunate.

DONNA: I think you mean less fortunate.

JACKIE: Okay, whatever. Bums!

Kitty comes downstairs.

KITTY: Oh, what are you guys doing watching cartoons? Holiday In is on!

She switches channel and sings along.

KITTY: Where the tree tops glisten…la la la listen! Eric, Brianna, come on, help me get the decorations!

ERIC: Sure, Mom.

BRIANNA: Yes, Mommy.

They go to the storage room.

KELSO: You know what my favorite Christmas gift of all time is? Light-brite! It's fun making things with Light-brite! Well it is.

HYDE: Man, my favorite gift is cash! That way you can buy whatever you want! Know what I mean Donna?

DONNA: Uh uh.

HYDE: Like, let's just say somebody gave you… I don't know, uh, six dollars and some change right. Yeah, to buy a present. What would you get?

DONNA: Well Hyde, it doesn't matter how much it could cost as long as it's personal and sentimental.

JACKIE: You know what's both personal and sentimental? Diamonds!

She nudges Kelso. Eric, Brianna, and Kitty scream from the storage room and they get out. Kitty goes upstairs while Brianna starts playing Baby with Jackie. Fez joins them.

ERIC: We were going through a box of Christmas decorations and we found the Christmas rat.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

KITTY: So Laurie, how is your relationship with Michael going?

LAURIE: Oh, it's so amazing. This has been the best 8 months of my life!

BRIANNA: Aww, big sis. How cute!

ERIC: Wow...ah-cho!

KITTY: Well, bless you.

ERIC: Thanks Mom. Hey, uh, Dad, instead of being at your party this year, maybe I could throw a party in the basement. I mean, I think I'm old enough.

Kitty laughs.

RED: Fine.

KITTY, BRIANNA and LAURIE: Fine?

RED: Well every year, he just mopes around here like it's the end of the world anyway.

ERIC: Alright, thanks Dad.

KITTY: So now, who's going to sing the high parts on 'The Little Drummer Boy'?

LAURIE: Well, traditionally, it's the man who can't grow facial hair.

ERIC: Hey dad, uh, one more thing about the party… I need some money.

RED: Alright Eric. I want you to pick out this year's tree. And whatever you don't spend, you can use for your party.

ERIC: Hey Dad, you know how much I hate haggling with those tree…

RED: Haggling is part of being an adult. Now, here's forty dollars.

ERIC: I want fifty.

RED: Knock it off!

ERIC: Oh sure.

RED: Pick out a good one.

KITTY: Okay fine, throw your party. But can I at least make you some punch and cookies?

ERIC: Mom, no.

KITTY: Just punch.

ERIC: No Mom.

KITTY: Well you can't have a Christmas party without punch! That, that's just insanity!

CUT TO: INT. BARGAIN BOB'S.

Red gives a customer a bag.

RED: Merry Christmas. (Bob comes over) You know Bob, I, I just wanna thank you again for the job. You know.

BOB: Oh, I always need extra help during the Holidays. I feel like you're my second in command around here. So, listen. How about you close up for me on Christmas Eve?

RED: Why would we be open?!

BOB: Oh, well, that's a big night Red. See, picture a guy driving home from work on Christmas Eve. Fa la la la la.

RED: Bob, nobody works on Christmas Eve.

BOB: All of a sudden, he realizes he forgot to buy a gift! Then, he passes by the store here, sees we're the only place open. So what does he do? He comes in here and buys a fridge.

RED: So this guy is insane?

BOB: Not my place to judge. So what do you say?

RED: Fine.

BOB: I knew I could count on you Red. Of course you'll have to wear the Santa Claus suit.

RED: Ah, you got me there Bob!

BOB: No, I'm serious Red.

RED: No, you got me there Bob!

CUT TO: INT. A FOREST ON THE INTERSTATE.

Kelso is sawing a tree while Hyde and Eric are standing guard.

HYDE: Forman man, would you relax? This is a good plan. We cut down the tree and keep the forty bucks for beer!

ERIC: Car!

Hyde and Eric duck and Kelso looks up.

KELSO: Where?!

ERIC: Kelso, car means get down!

Kelso saws some more then gets up. The tree is still standing.

KELSO: Okay, I'm done.

ERIC: No, I disagree Kelso. See, if you were done the tree would probably be more horizontal.

KELSO: No, I mean I'm done!

HYDE: Car!

They all duck.

KELSO: Alright, cut it yourself!

He gives Hyde the saw.

HYDE: Fine, Kelso! Do you believe him?

He gives Eric the saw.

ERIC: Oh, come on Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?!

HYDE: Sorry.

Eric starts sawing.

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

The Guys are taking down the tree from the Vista Cruiser. Eric and Kelso are fighting with the tree.

KELSO: Now we got forty bucks for beer! You know what else we should do? Not get any presents! (Kelso falls under the tree and gets back up) No presents! That way we got more money for beer!

ERIC: Hey, shut up!

Midge and Kitty get out from the kitchen. Brianna follows them out.

KITTY: Oh Eric, this is the most beautiful tree I think we have ever had! Oh, and it's just, it's so fresh!

A bird comes out from the tree flying. Kitty ducks and then goes back inside.

HYDE: Mrs. Pinciotti? Look, I was thinking of getting a present for this girl, and um, you know, she's about Donna and Tina's ages, so I was kinda wondering what Donna likes.

MIDGE: Perfume! Donna and Tina wear 'White Shoulders'. It's not just for shoulders, you can wear it anywhere.

HYDE: Really?

MIDGE: Sure, like your neck or the mall.

HYDE: Wow, uh, alright well, how much does a bottle of that run?

MIDGE: Um, about twelve dollars.

HYDE: Um. Well, what about a bottle of crappy perfume? What does that run?

MIDGE: Gosh, I don't know. I'll call Bob's Mom.

Midge goes home and Laurie comes out.

LAURIE: Oh, you did not get this from a lot! You stole it!

ERIC: I haggled.

LAURIE: With who, Smoky the Bear? You stole it.

ERIC: Well, I mean you're the one to talk, you and Kelso are already thinking of having children.

LAURIE: How'd you know?!

ERIC: I didn't.

LAURIE: Shut up!

ERIC: Shut up!

LAURIE: You shut up!

ERIC: You shut up!

LAURIE: Okay.

ERIC: Okay.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Kitty, Laurie and Bernice are decorating the tree. Brianna is eating chips and salsa.

KITTY: Okay now, be careful with this one, it's very, very old.

BERNICE: Oh, it looks terrible! Laurie, Laurie, hang that one around on the backside.

LAURIE: Okay Grandma.

BERNICE: Oh, and Kitty, you got two red ones together.

KITTY: Uh uh, so I do. Thank you Bernice.

BRIANNA: Ohh, Mommy. I wanna help!

Brianna starts to help with the tree. Eric comes downstairs gliding on the stairs ramp.

LAURIE: Eric, help me hang these stupid ornaments.

ERIC: I can't, I'm planning a party.

LAURIE: I don't get it, how come the Little Drummer Boy gets to have a party?!

ERIC: Because I asked, you stupid big sister.

LAURIE: That's not clever.

ERIC: I don't have time to be clever. I'm planning a party, miss dumb girl.

He goes off.

DOOR BELL RINGS.

BERNICE: I'll get it.

She opens the door and finds Jackie and three of her friends.

JACKIE: Oh, hi, is Donna here?

BERNICE: There's no Donna here. You have the wrong address.

She shuts the door in their faces. Eric comes back and starts talking to his big sister, whose on the couch.

ERIC: Hey, remember what happened when we found out about Brianna?

LAURIE: Yeah.

The screen suddenly turns into a black and white screen. The screen reads "1968"

 _MIDGE (to Kitty): What's the rush?_

 _KITTY: You told me to hold my first morning's urine. I've been holding it for seven hours._

 _MIDGE: I'm sure Red doesn't know._

 _KITTY: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule._

 _MIDGE: How'd you do that?!_

 _KITTY: I told him I was on PMS! I even added in an extra day for the hell of it! (They giggle and do a fist pump) I told Edna: I had to tell her. You know how she keeps track of everybody's time of month, so she can send cards of it. Let's go!_

 _MIDGE: (looking at the directions) Okay. What do we have here?_

 _KITTY: What's this? (Picks up a hook-like object)_

 _MIDGE: It holds the urine. (Kitty continues staring at the object) No, you use lid first, then the dropper. No I gotta wash it first!_

 _KITTY: (anxiously) Oh..._

 _MIDGE: (Notices coupons on the sink) Free coupons! You gonna use them?! (Continues washing the lid)_

 _KITTY It's clean- it's clean! (knocking can be heard at the door. She opens the door to find Jackie's mom Pam at the door) Come in, come in! Are they still out there?_

 _PAM: Yeah, but I didn't tell them. I just said "Hi!" and went!_

 _KITTY: I think he's thinking we're in here doing some weird shaving ritual._

 _MIDGE: Why don't you just tell Red?_

 _KITTY: Because there's nothing to tell, and if does come out positive- I have to find a way to tell him so that his big head doesn't explode!_

 _PAM: How'd you tell about your other kids?_

 _KITTY: With Laurie, I said "Red get a job" and with Eric, I said "Red get a better job"_

 _PAM: Come, on Kitty. You have to have to be excited about maybe being pregnant again!_

 _KITTY: Yeah I can hardly wait about puking! Come on, my waters gonna break!_

 _RED: (knocking at the door) Kitty! What the hell's going on in there?_

 _KITTY: Honey, we're worshiping Satan. We'll be right out!_

 _RED: Come on, Kitty!_

 _KITTY: (opening door) Come in! The kids don't need to hear this._

 _RED: Ahh. (Picking up pregnancy test box) Ohh._

 _KITTY: Red!_

 _RED: No, Kitty. It's okay. What a person does with their wife is their own business. (Sits on the bathtub) So Midge, you get drunk and forgot there's tons of birth control out there? Does Bob know?_

 _MIDGE: No Red. He doesn't know._

 _RED: Word of advice from a man, okay? Don't say a word till you take the test._

 _KITTY: I was thinking the same thing. (Sits on the bathtub with him) You just got to sit him down and tell it to him like this: "I'm pregnant, Red ."_

 _RED: (amused) What?!_

 _KITTY: Red._

 _RED: (not snapping out of it) What?!_

 _KITTY: Red._

 _RED: (shouting) WHAT?! Can we not have this moment in front of everybody? (Midge and Pam leave the bathroom) How late are you?_

 _KITTY: Nine days._

 _RED: When did this happen?_

 _KITTY: When we were having sex!_

 _RED: But we're always careful!_

 _KITTY: Whopps! I have to take it now._

 _Red leaves the bathroom, finding his kids, the Pinciottis, Jackie's parents, Kelso and the Hydes on the bed. Laurie goes up to him._

 _LAURIE: So you guys did it again. Huh?!_

 _RED: Did what?!_

 _MIDGE: They were listening at the door, Red._

 _RED: Great._

 _LAURIE: It's already bad enough we have this little accident running around! (Points at Eric)_

 _ERIC: Accient? How can somebody be an accient?_

 _JACKIE: Oh, great. Ask me! Thanks Laurie!_

 _LAURIE: I'm stressed out, okay?_

 _DONNA: Just once you could think before opening your big mouth?_

 _KITTY: (from bathroom) Shut up. I'm trying to take the test. (the room goes quiet) Not that quiet!_

 _TINA: I can't believe you, Laurie. You are so insensitive!_

 _LAURIE: So are you!_

 _BOB: Cut it out!_

 _Red starts pacing around the room. He turns to his kids._

 _RED: Yeah. There's no need for any of this right now._

 _PAM: Your father's right and we don't wanna upset your mother in her condition._

 _LAURIE: So, it's true?!_

 _RED: We don't know yet. Can we just keep a lid on it?_

 _KITTY: (emerging from the bathroom. Everybody stands) What?!_

 _RED: Come on, Kitty._

 _KITTY: Oh, no, no. That test takes 10 minutes. Just go back to what you were doing before this._

 _Clock continues ticking and screen blacks. It opens back up to the kitchen. Kitty is making lunch while Eric comes up with the clock._

 _ERIC: Eight minutes and sixteen seconds!_

 _KITTY: Thank you, Eric!_

 _ERIC: You're welcome!_

 _He runs off as she sits down. Red starts fixing the toaster._

 _PAM: I'm sorry Kitty, but I'm so excited about this. It's like having another baby of my own!_

 _KITTY: Well it's not positive yet._

 _PAM: I know but it gets my biological clock ticking, (imitating a clock) I gotta do something before it turns off!_

 _MIDGE: You want another kid?_

 _PAM: Well it makes me sad thinking of my own daughter, and I always regretted not giving Jack the son he's always wanted._

 _ERIC: Seven minutes and thirty- (A crash can be heard.)_

 _RED: Eric! Thank you!_

 _ERIC: You're welcome!_

 _Eric runs back off. The woman start to get up._

 _RED: Ah you guys just hang out. I'll get another tool, this isn't working._

 _He exits the room._

 _KITTY: The toaster's working. He just doesn't wanna talk about it._

 _PAM: Maybe I should go out there._

 _KITTY: No, just let him nail something else for a while._

 _MIDGE: He's really sure the test is positive?_

 _KITTY: I don't know why.. I've only been late twice...(Laurie enters) And here's one of them._

 _LAURIE: Mom, I agreed it would be okay if you brought a baby into the house on one condition._

 _KITTY: What's your condition?_

 _LAURIE: Okay, now say I brought a puppy into this house._

 _KITTY: With all the work you're gonna do with this baby, you won't be able to take care of a puppy._

 _LAURIE: (on the new baby) I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers-_

 _KITTY: (putting her arm around Laurie) I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that two children are enough for this house._

 _LAURIE: Well, yeah._

 _KITTY: (takes her arm from around Laurie) We're gonna miss you, Laurie._

 _Time Lapse. The bedroom._

 _ERIC: It's time, it's time!_

 _KITTY: Okay, Midge. What do I do now?_

 _MIDGE: Just read the stick._

 _DONNA: Pink is positive, white is no._

 _ERIC: I wanna read the stick! I wanna read the stick!_

 _HYDE: Geez, Eric, it's not like licking the spoon. (Slaps his head)_

 _ERIC: Mom!_

 _KITTY: Alright, you can._

 _Eric goes into the bathroom._

 _MIDGE: Alright Eric, tell us. Pink is yes and White is no._

 _ERIC: It's pink!_

 _EVERYBODY: Oh, my god!_

 _RED: No way. I'm gonna be a dad again!_

 _Screen blacks and goes back to the present day._

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THE PRESENT DAY.

JACKIE: Donna, I want you to come with me and my friends on Christmas Eve.

DONNA: Why?

JACKIE: To distribute gift baskets to the less fortunate bums.

DONNA: Okay, but we better be back in time for the party.

FEZ: Yes, perhaps you lovely ladies would like to join us?

GIRL #1: I don't think so.

GIRL #2: Well, we are supposed to be helping the less fortunate.

GIRL #3: Okay.

HYDE: Hey Jackie, come here.

JACKIE: Why?

HYDE: Just come here!

JACKIE: Hyde, if you wanna make out with me, the answer's probably no.

HYDE: Well, okay, look Jackie, I know this girl right and I wanna get her a Christmas present.

JACKIE: Oh my God it's Donna!

HYDE: It's not Donna.

JACKIE: Okay, it's not Donna. So, how much do you have to spend?

HYDE: Six dollars.

JACKIE: You don't deserve a girl like Donna for six dollars.

HYDE: I'm not trying to get Donna!

JACKIE: Good, 'cause you won't for six dollars!

HYDE: You know what? Thanks a lot, never mind, bye-bye.

He turns Jackie back to her friends and pushes her there.

Jackie, and her friends.

FEZ: We will see you tomorrow, babes. (He turns back to Hyde) May I ask you a question?

HYDE: Sure.

FEZ: What the hell are you doing?

HYDE: What?

FEZ: Buying Donna a gift. You know Eric likes her.

HYDE: It's for Jackie, not Donna.

FEZ: Still, in my country, I will string you from the tallest tree.

HYDE: We're not in your country Fez.

FEZ: Right, so good luck with Jackie.

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN KITCHEN.

Laurie and Bernice get in with lots of brown bags.

LAURIE: We're back from the store!

BERNICE: Kitty, a made a few changes on your groceries list. I don't like your taste in dip.

Laurie goes over to a punch owl and is about to drink some when Kitty sees her.

KITTY: No. Oh Laurie, no, no, no, no, no. The punch is for Eric's party. Here, why don't you take this tonic out to the bar, make sure we have enough rum and vodka.

BERNICE: All that rum and vodka?! Kitty, you have a problem!

KITTY: It's for the party Bernice.

BERNICE: Oh, that's convenient. All I know is that my Red didn't start to drink until he met you.

KITTY: And I didn't start to drink until I met you. (Kitty laughs, realizing she said that out loud. Brianna giggles) Merry Christmas! Okay Bernice, here, help me get more of the party supplies.

They walk out. Laurie walks into the kitchen with a bottle of alcohol. She opens it and starts pouring into the punch bowl. Brianna looks at her big sister.

LAURIE: Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! (Kelso wraps his arms around her) Michael! What the hell are you doing?!

KELSO: (grinning) I'm here for ya, Baby!

LAURIE: I love you!

They run up to her bedroom. Brianna smiles as her sister and her sister's boyfriend go upstairs.

A HOUR LATER. CUT TO: INT. THE BASEMENT.

Donna is making the final touches on the tree's decorations. Eric comes up to her behind her and hangs mistletoe over them.

ERIC: This should probably go here.

DONNA: Mistletoe?!

ERIC: Yeah, well it's really more for decoration.

DONNA: Is that a fact, neighbor?

ERIC: Um, no.

They kiss. But they're interrupted by Kelso and Hyde coming in with groceries bags. At the same time, Kitty, Brianna, and Laurie start getting downstairs.

KELSO: Hey Eric, where do we put the beer?

ERIC: Put it in the ice chest! SHHH! SHH!

KITTY: Okay now, here you go. Punch and cookies just like I promised.

ERIC: No, Mom! Mom!

LAURIE: Eric, Mom made it for you. The least you could do is drink a lot of it! (grins evilly)

BRIANNA: Ooh, cookies!

Kitty puts her arms on their shoulders.

KITTY: You know, you three, you are just the best Christmas present a mother could have.

Laurie slaps Erice's head. He does the same. Kitty leaves.

Kelso seeing an opening to hit on Laurie, jumps over the sofa, his heel gets caught in a cushion and he bangs his shin on the table. He gets up. She smiles at her boyfriend's stupidity.

KELSO: Hello Laurie.

LAURIE: Michael.

KELSO: So, uh, um, cool!

They start to make out. Fez comes in carrying a bag. They break apart.

DONNA: Hey Fez.

FEZ: Merry Christmas. Oh, punch.

LAURIE: Yeah, can I pour you some?

FEZ: No thank you, but if you would like, you can bend over and put my gift under the tree.

KELSO: Oh, gifts? I thought we said no gifts!

ERIC: No Kelso, you said no gifts.

DONNA: What's Christmas without gifts?

HYDE: Yeah man, where is your heart?

KELSO: Nobody tells me anything around here! Oh crap. Now I gotta go get more party snacks.

LAURIE: Hey, cheer up, Love, have some punch!

KELSO: I don't want any punch. I gotta get more snacks.

CUT TO: INT. BARGAIN BOB'S.

Red is alone and he's watching the Little Drummer Boy on T.V. Kelso comes running in.

KELSO: Hi Mr. Forman.

RED: Kelso, what are you doing here? It's Christmas Eve. Aren't supposed to be with my eldest daughter?

KELSO: I know, I'm looking for a Christmas gift. You know you're the only place in this whole town that's open?

RED: Yeah, I know.

KELSO: What can I get for seventeen dollars?

RED: Well, we've got some really nice heavy-duty extension cords.

KELSO: No. How much is that refrigerator?

CUT TO: INT THE BASEMENT.

FEZ: Hello Ladies. So glad you could make it. Now, may I get you something to drink? We have beer you know.

GIRL #1: What else do you have?

FEZ: We have punch, but we also have beer!

GIRL #1: Punch is fine.

FEZ: Punch it is, OK. Would you like to chase down that punch with a nice beer?

CUT TO: INT. BARGAIN BOB'S.

Red and Kelso are playing pong.

RED: Oh, I am kicking your ass!

KELSO: Good game Mr. Forman!

He puts down the paddle and gets up.

RED: Oh, you're leaving?

KELSO: Yeah.

RED: Oh, come on now! Come on! We'll play another game.

KELSO: No, Laurie's waiting for me. I really…

RED: One more game. Come on! Come on! You're good to my oldest daughter. I like you!

Kelso sits down again.

CUT TO: INT. THE BASEMENT.

Fez is pouring the girls more punch. The bowl is less than half full. The girls are all over him.

GIRL #1: You know who you remind me of? Freddie Prinze.

GIRL #2: No, Riccardo Modelblond.

GIRL #3: You said model blonde.

GIRL #1: Okay, shut up. Okay Fez, I want you to say something like really slow.

FEZ: Hello my darlings. And when I say hello, you know what I mean.

JACKIE: Hey, he was my friend first!

HYDE: Man, what's going on with the pep squad?

DONNA: Yeah, they seem extra stupid tonight.

Kelso comes in and hands Laurie something wrapped in a beautiful box.

KELSO: Laurie, this is for you.

LAURIE: Oh, Michael, what is it?

She takes it out of the bag.

LAURIE: It's hot rollers! And with steam!

KELSO: I have a second present for you.

He hands her a second present. She opens it, revealing it to be a charm bracelet with her name on it.

LAURIE: Oh, Michael. This is gorgeous. Thank you!

KELSO: I love you!

LAURIE: I have something for you too.

She gives him a leather jacket and suit.

KELSO: I love you so much.

They start to make out.

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

The woman and Brianna are singing near the piano.

Red comes in from the back.

BOB: Hy'a Red. How did it go tonight?

RED: Well, I sold a set of hot rollers Bob and … a pong game.

THE DOOR BELL RINGS.

MIDGE: I'll get it.

She opens the door and finds two Policemen on the doorstep.

MIDGE: May I help you?

POLICEMAN #1: Ma 'am, do you own a 1969 tan Oldsmobile station wagon in the driveway?

MIDGE: No, I don't.

POLICEMAN #1: Do you know who does?

MIDGE: Yes, I do.

POLICEMAN #1: Could you get them please?

MIDGE: Sure. Red!

POLICEMAN #1: Sir, we believe your vehicle was involved in the unlawful removal of state property.

RED: What?!

POLICEMAN #1: We're gonna have to confiscate that tree.

KITTY: The tree? No, I mean… no, it's all done, I mean… I mean look at it… Do you, I'm… NO!

She puts herself in front of the tree as a body shield.

CUT TO. INT: THE BASEMENT.

Hyde offers Donna a gift.

HYDE: Hey, I got you something. It's no big deal, but you know, Christmas.

DONNA: Suddenly Hyde is getting bashful?

She unwraps it.

DONNA: Oh, wow! This is great!

ERIC: Well, what is it?

DONNA: It's a picture of me and Hyde.

HYDE: Yeah, yeah, it's me and you in fifth grade. I've had it in my drawer forever so I just framed it.

DONNA: That is so sweet.

ERIC: Yeah, that is so sweet.

He bends over and gets a package from under the tree.

ERIC: Hey, look, why don't you open my present?

She unwraps it.

DONNA: Oh, White Shoulders! I love this stuff, thank you!

She kisses Eric on the cheek. He looks pleased.

ERIC: You're welcome.

Donna looks at the two gifts.

DONNA: Oh, Oh my god! You can see my training bra through my shirt!

HYDE: Yeah, I remember that training bra!

ERIC: Gee, um, I wish I got you something like…

HYDE: Man, dude, it's nothing.

DONNA: It's not nothing. This is so thoughtful. It's the sweetest thing any one's given me!

She kisses him on the cheek. She looks at Eric.

DONNA: Next to the perfume.

ERIC: Right, well I wrapped it myself. I know how you like things… wrapped so…

Red is on the stairs, seeing the whole scene.

RED: Eric, before you explain the beer, maybe you can tell me why there are two State Troopers in the living room confiscating our Christmas tree.

ERIC: Oh, that, um, funny story and a true story, you're gonna laugh…

RED: Get to the point!

ERIC: We cut down a tree of the side of the interstate.

RED: Well, that's just great Eric. Now, the party's over, you're grounded and I want what's left of my forty bucks.

ERIC: Kelso, give it to him.

RED: Oh, no!

KELSO: Yeah, I sorta spend it on Laurie's gifts.

Laurie gets up from the tricycle she was sitting on and runs over to Kelso.

LAURIE: Oh Michael, my hot rollers and my bracelet. You got in trouble for me Michael? Oh, I love you Michael!

GIRL #1: Oh, God Bless us everyone!

JACKIE: Hyde loves Donna!

HYDE: Whoa, she's crazy man!

RED: Eric, what the hell is going on here? Have these girls been drinking?

ERIC: No, look, Dad, I swear, just Mom's punch!

Red goes over to the bowl and tastes some.

RED: Lousy with hooch!

HYDE: You see, you see Red? She's drunk man, that's drunk talk! False!

RED: Come on Jackie, I'll take you and the sob sisters home. Eric, the rest of that beer goes into my refrigerator. Donna and Tina, your father is upstairs I suggest you two join him. Steven, you help Eric clean up and Kelso… go home!

KELSO: But Red, Laurie's my girlfriend and I love her!

He wraps his arms around Laurie and kisses her.

FEZ: Eric, do something! Your father is taking my women!

DONNA: Thanks for the gifts guys. Merry Christmas.

She gives Eric a small package and she kisses him on the cheek and she gives Hyde a big package and also kisses him. She pauses a few seconds, then she and Tina go upstairs.

HYDE: So, what'd you get?

ERIC: I.D. bracelet.

HYDE: Cool, got your name on it?

ERIC: Yeah, what'd you get?

Hyde starts unwrapping his gift, pauses, smiles at Eric and continues.

HYDE: Tube socks!

ERIC: Good! I mean tube socks are good!

CUT TO: INT. LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

KELDO: I'm so in love with you. This has been an amazing eight months.

LAURIE: I love you too.

They start to kiss and undress each other. Screen blacks.

THE TAG.

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN KITCHEN.

BOB: Thanks for working tonight. Sorry it was a slow night.

RED: No problem!

BOB: Merry Christmas Red.

RED: Merry Christmas Bob.

They toast.

BOB: Now, gimme a hug.

RED: No, Bob, really, I'm fine.

BOB: Hey, it's the seventies. Men can hug.

RED: No, Bob, they can't.

BOB: Come on, it's Christmas!

Bob hugs Red. Red is uncomfortable because of Bob's afro.

BOB: Hey look, mistletoe!

Red looks up and Bob laughs at him. Screen blacks.

THE END.

Authors Note: This chapter was super long; it took me yesterday afternoon to afternoon today. Review, follow, favorite, enjoy, please. Thanks!


	13. Ski Trip

Authors Note: No reviews on last chapter either? Hmm...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN.

Eric, Hyde and Fez are checking out a map.

ERIC: Alright guys, this is no sweat. If we leave right after school, we should make it to Jackie's ski cabin by like six o'clock.

He folds the map.

HYDE: Man, I can't wait. A trip to my favorite place. Anywhere but here.

ERIC: And I'm betting that Alpine Valley is gonna give the Kid many make out opportunities with Donna this weekend. The Kid is in.

HYDE: What's with the whole 'Kid' thing?

ERIC: It's cool… It's not cool?

FEZ: Not cool, dorky.

Kelso comes in extremely happy.

KELSO: Guess who did it with Laurie behind the gym at seventh period?

HYDE: You?

KELSO: (grins) Yeah!

ERIC: Kelso, a lot of people hang out behind the gym. But my big sister isn't one of them.

KELSO: Yeah, that's what's so great about it. Everybody saw it as we cut Studio in-art. You guys know we cut, we are in seventh period together!

HYDE: Oh, that's great man! Yeah, because then everybody can make more jokes about you and Laurie and you'll get in trouble, you moron!

Jackie comes in with Laurie. They are talking.

JACKIE: Oh my god, that's awesome! I'm so happy for you two.

LAURIE: Thanks!

KELSO: You told everybody we did it behind the gym?

LAURIE: Yeah, so? You probably told everybody in here that we did it behind the gym.

ERIC: Oh, Kelso. You got burned!

FEZ: Top shell!

KELSO: (grinning) Thanks guys!

Jackie goes over to Hyde and starts running her hand up his leg.

JACKIE: So Steven, you lookin' foward to goin' to the cabin?

Hyde stands up as he never saw Jackie so into him before. He has a crush on her but didn't know she reciprocated it back.

HYDE: What are you doing?

JACKIE: Nothin'

Laurie looks at her boyfriend.

LAURIE: He has a crush on her, right?

KELSO: Yeah.

JACKIE: Oh, and did I mention my parents are not coming? So it'll be just us all…

Brianna pops up from behind the couch. Eric becomes scared at his baby sister popping up.

ERIC: Oh, baby sister. You scared me!

BRIANNA: I heard you guys are going to the cabin. Can I come?

ERIC: Umm...baby sister. I'm sorry, you can't.

BRIANNA: Ugh!

She and her reborn baby doll go upstairs. She's crying.

JACKIE: Eric you are a jerkass. You made a little girl cry, and it's your baby sister!

They sit down and watch "Welcome Back, Kotter" They sit in complete silence. Kelso and Laurie get up after a few episodes.

KELSO: (grinning) See you guys later on!

They run upstairs and to her room.

OPENING CREDITS.

CUT TO: INT. FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: So, Laurie and Eric are going away for the weekend?

KITTY: Uh huh.

RED: All the house to ourselves...well except for Brianna but she's gonna be in her room the whole time.

KITTY: Uh huh.

RED: You know what that means?

KITTY: Dinner in front of the T.V. .

RED: No.

KITTY: You dog!

Eric comes in. Laurie follows him in. Brianna doesn't.

RED: Now, Eric, you're gonna be driving in snow, so I'll put together an emergency roadside kit for you guys. In case you went into trouble.

ERIC: Okay, that'd be great.

RED: Preparation makes all the difference Eric. Take kitty litter. I can't tell you how many times kitty litter got me out of a tight spot…

Eric starts day dreaming: Donna and him are at the cabin. A fire is burning in the fireplace. They're making out, a blanket covering their naked bodies. The kiss ends and Eric takes a sip of his champagne.

DONNA: Oh god Eric.

She takes her hand out from under the blanket. She is holding a road flare.

DONNA: Oh, it's a road flare.

ERIC: A road flare can save your life.

BACK TO REALITY:

RED: I said a road flare can save your life!

ERIC: What...oh Check. Right, road flare! Right.

KITTY: Okay now good. How was school today?

ERIC: Oh, okay. You know my P E teacher Coach Herrschaft? Well, he had this crusty stuff on the corner of his lip. So Kelso says to him, Kelso says: 'Hey Coach, check out that crusty stuff…

RED starts day dreaming: He and Kitty are on the couch kissing. She pulls away and we see Red with a full head of hair.

BACK TO REALITY:

ERIC: Dad, dad, dad are you even listening?

RED: Of course I'm listening. And you know what I'm hearing? You need to buckle down. I've told you over and over again that school is so important. What you do now determines…

Kitty starts day dreaming too: Kitty is on her back, stretched out.

KITTY: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn't been touched in years!

Camera pulls back to reveal that Red is dusting a high lamp.

BACK TO REALITY:

Laurie, Eric and Red are staring at Kitty. She shakes her head hard and gets back to doing what she was.

RED: Eric, what did you do to your little sister. She was upset...

Laurie starts daydreaming too: She and Kelso are making out on the floor of the cabin. There's a blanket covering them. They're giggling.

LAURIE: Oh, Michael.

KELSO; I love you. Laurie...

The screen suddenly turns black and opens back up to the present day.

ERIC: Dad, I swear I didn't do anything. All I did was tell Brianna she couldn't come.

RED: See, you did something wrong by telling your little sister she couldn't come.

THE BASEMENT.

Kelso is watching "The Wonder Years" as Kitty comes down and does laundry. She stands near him.

KITTY: So, how is your and my oldest child's relationship going?

KELSO: Awesome. She's so amazing. You have the nicest kids. This has been the best nine months of my life and it's all because of your oldest child.

KITTY: Let me tell you a story. (She sits in Hyde's chair) You know, when Mr. Forman and I were dating, I saw him kissing a girl in a movie theater once and I forgave him.

KELSO: You forgave him for kissing another girl?

KITTY: Yes sir. I mean it wasn't, it wasn't so much kissing as it was a groping, sloppy, pawing, nibbling nightmare.

She laughs.

KELSO: But, but you forgave him!

KITTY: Yeah, I forgave the bastard!

KELSO: Cool!

He gets up and starts to leave when his girlfriend's mom stops him.

KITTY: So if you do that to my oldest, Red's gonna kick your ass!

KELSO: Don't worry, I love your oldest daughter so much!

He grins and runs off.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

Hyde is holding a rolled up sleeping bag. He goes to Donna.

HYDE: Hey Donna man, I brought my double sleeping bag, you know?

DONNA: Great!

LAURIE: Can Michael and I borrow it?

Donna starts drinking her mountain dew.

Fez: Oh Hyde, watching you fail over and over… it is like Charlie Brown and the football!

Hyde: Yeah man, I just don't get it.

Fez: No, because Eric already has it! And Jackie isn't interested in you!

Fez laughs, but Hyde is not amused. Fez stops laughing.

TIME LAPSE.

Red hands Eric a box filled with stuff.

RED: Well, here's your emergency roadside kit.

ERIC: Kitty litter? Oh, kitty litter, right!

KITTY: Um honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag. Now, um, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?

ERIC: Donna's Italian?…

Kitty starts laughing and Eric follows. He stops and goes to the driver seat.

KITTY: Okay, stay warm!

Eric starts the car.

VISTA CRUISER.

Eric driving, Jackie and Fez are in the front, while Donna and Hyde are in the back where Kelso and Laurie are making out. Eric looks very uncomfortable as do Donna and Hyde.

FEZ I have never seen snow before! It is so beautiful!

HYDE: Forman man, what's all this crap that Red gave you?

ERIC: I don't know, he's obsessed with kitty litter. I think he might be going insane.

The car skids and everyone in the car screams. The car stops. A beat. Kelso and Laurie break away, much to the relief to everybody else in the car.

HYDE: Far out!

DONNA: What the hell was that?

ERIC: I don't know, I guess we hit some ice.

Eric steps on the gas, but the car won't move. The wheels are stuck in the snow.

JACKIE: Oh great! We're stuck.

Everybody except Jackie gets out of the car. Fez comes around holding a snow ball.

FEZ: Look, I made my first snow ball! I love snow so much my fingers are numb with joy!

DONNA: That's frostbite Fez.

FEZ: How rude. (He throws down the snow ball) I hate your white men's winter!

DONNA: Get in the car Fez, get in the car.

Fez gets in the car.

LAURIE: Eric, do something!

KELSO: Yeah man, stop goofing around!

Donna gets back in the car and Hyde gives Eric the roadside kit.

HYDE: Wow, it's freezing!

Hyde gets back in the car, leaving ERIC in the snow.

VISTA CRUISER, LATER.

JACKIE: This is awful! We're all going to die! And I'm too young to die!

HYDE, DONNA and FEZ: Shut up!

OUTSIDE:

ERIC: Okay, think Eric, think! Why kitty litter?

Red's face comes up in the sky.

RED: Use the gum Eric.

ERIC: Dad, what are you doing here?

RED: I'm not here, you're imagining me. Now's who's insane mister smart mouth?

ERIC: I guess I am.

RED: Use the gum to stick the candle in the can. The candle heats the can which melts the snow behind the tire. Then pour on the kitty litter for traction. Now you think you can handle that?

ERIC: Yes sir.

RED: Good, because you don't want me back out here. I may be a figment of your imagination, but I'm still freezing my ass off.

Imaginive Red fades away and they get back into the car. They start driving when suddenly Brianna pops up. Eric screams at his baby sister popping up.

ERIC: Baby sister! What are you doing here...how long where you in here for?

BRIANNA: I was in here before you guys left.

JACKIE'S CABIN.

The gang and Brianna finally arrive.

DONNA: Alright! We made it!

ERIC: Yeah, just in time, that storm is getting nasty.

FEZ: I am so cold! The snow has stolen my manhood!

Jackie is talking to Kelso and Laurie.

JACKIE: Okay, there's only one bedroom. It was gonna be for Steven and I but since our love is…non-existent, you two should take it.

KELSO: Alright! You wanna go check out our room?

LAURIE: Definitely. (turns to Jackie) Thanks, Jackie. I know it must be hard that Hyde isn't returning your feelings, but cheer up.

They hug and she catches up with him.

HYDE: Where are you guys going? I thought we were gonnna hang…

They close the door.

Fez collapses and Jackie sits down on the couch.

FEZ: I am freezing! The winter in my country is seventy degrees! We must hold each other for warmth!

He grabs her leg.

JACKIE: Stop touching me! I don't like you!

He lets her leg go and sits alone on the carpet.

FEZ: Then I am going to die!

HYDE: Okay Fez… oh! Amaretto! (takes a bottle from the liquor cabinet) You know what man? This will warm you right up. Take a sip of that!

He gives him the bottle. Fez tastes it.

FEZ: Yum, liquid candy!

Fez starts drinking it straight from the bottle. Hyde looks at him in wonder.

DONNA: Hey, pass me one too.

Hyde gives her a Tequila and gives Eric a Shirley temple.

ERIC: (Pissed) Why'd you give me a Shirley Temple?!

FORMAN KITCHEN.

Kitty comes in the kitchen with Red on her heels. They are unaware that Brianna is at the cabin.

RED: Kitty, you're talking about something hat happened over twenty years ago.

KITTY: And there you were at the movies in front of God and everybody slurping on horse-face Lynn Taylor like she was a Popsicle.

RED: Kitty…

KITTY: A big, easy, horse-face Popsicle!

RED: Horse-face? She was a runner-up in the Miss Wisconsin pageant! Which she lost because she was such a horse-face!

Kitty goes away.

THE BEDROOM IN THE CABIN.

Kelso and Laurie are making out on the bed. Outside, we can hear a some music and everybody else is playing Scrabble. They break the kiss.

KELSO: Okay, that's probably just everybody playing a board game!

LAURIE: Yeah.

They get back to kissing. The cheering keeps on coming. Laurie breaks the kiss.

LAURIE: Alright, alright, that's too much! Can you please go out there and break that record?

Kelso gets up and goes out.

THE LIVING ROOM IN THE CABIN.

Hyde is on an armchair reading comics. Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Brianna are playing Scrabble.

KELSO: What's going on?

HYDE: Ha-ha, "Spy versus Spy" man, they kill me!

KELSO: No, with them.

HYDE: They're playing Scrabble.

KELSO: Okay look, where's Fez?

Kelso stops the record. Laurie gets out and sits on the couch.

HYDE: Fez? Oh, well, he killed that entire bottle of Amaretto, and then he ran outside saying he had to make a snow angel. But he was in his underwear.

KELSO: Okay look, either you need to go get Fez or tell Jackie your feelings about her.

HYDE: Er, I'll take Donna.

ERIC: Jackie.

HYDE: Right, Jackie. Yeah, Jackie.

Eric and Kelso go out. Hyde throws his magazine on a cushion and takes a final swig from his beer can. Then, he goes and sits between Laurie and Jackie. Donna and Brianna are still playing Scrabble.

JACKIE: You like me, Steven?

HYDE: No, I don't.

JACKIE: You just said you do!

HYDE: Stop it. I don't.

JACKIE: You like me!

HYDE: Hey, stop it!

JACKIE: (louder) YOU LIKE ME!

HYDE: Stop it!

She starts chasing him. Laurie joins Donna and Brianna in Scrabble.

OUTSIDE.

ERIC: (OS.) Hey Fez! Fez!

Eric comes into view.

KELSO: I can't find him.

ERIC: Fez! Fez!

FEZ: (O.S) Eric?

ERIC: Where are you?

Fez comes to them in his underwear.

FEZ: I am a winter nymph! I love this snow! Hurray America!

He stands between Eric and Kelso and falls down on his face.

JACKIE'S CABIN.

Laurie is reading a magazine, Donna is sitting on the couch, Jackie and Hyde are watching "The Brady Bunch" and Brianna is in the kitchen The door opens and Eric and Kelso come in carrying Fez. Laurie turns around.

LAURIE: Michael!

KELSO: Laurie!

LAURIE: Oh Michael!

Kelso throws Fez on the couch. He and Laurie kiss. Eric becomes grossed out and so does Hyde.

ERIC: (to everybody else) He can't keep his hands off my big sister for one second!

JACKIE: I think it's cute!

KELSO: I love you!

She grabs him by his shirt.

LAURIE: Lover!

KELSO: (grinning) Yeah!

He carries her up and they go to the bedroom. Hyde closes the door behind them. Fez is unconscious on the couch near Donna. She looks uncomfortable because of Fez's position.

DONNA: Can one of you guys put his pants on?

Brianna comes back out and they start to play Monopoly.

JACKIE: Oeh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk. This game is just like life! I am the richest of all.

ERIC: Jackie I've got nine hundred and seventy dollars here, it's all yours if you just give me your spot!

HYDE: Relax Forman. It's almost your turn.

JACKIE: Thank you Steven! (She hands him some Monopoly money) Here, buy yourself a hotel.

DONNA: Oh crap, I'm in jail now!

BRIANNA: Here, you're out of jail now.

DONNA: Thank you, Bri.

She hugs the little girl.

JACKIE: Your little sister is so cute, Eric!

FORMAN LIVING ROOM.

Kitty is sitting on a couch eating straight out of an ice cream carton.

RED: Kitty, this can't just be about me and Lynn Taylor. (He sits down and she scoots over to be far from him) What's really bothering you?

KITTY: Okay, I just wanna know why not me.

RED: Why not you what? I married you. We have three kids!

KITTY: Yeah, but when we were dating, you just sat there, you held my hand politely. Didn't you think that I might enjoy a passionate man handling in a public place?

RED: Well I respected you! I'm an old fashion guy. I don't think that you should grope and maul the one you love. Until you get to Florida, at the Fountainbleu with the door locked and a carton of cigarettes.

KITTY: Oh Red, our honeymoon!

They kiss.

Red: Let's go upstairs.

Kitty: No, let's go to the movies!

They laugh and continue kissing.

THE VISTA CRUISER.

Kelso and Laurie are sitting in the car.

KELSO: Well uh, here we are!

LAURIE: Yup.

KELSO: You're so amazing.

LAURIE: Thanks!

KELSO: I'm so happy we're together.

LAURIE: Me too.

He starts to undress her and the screen blacks.

THE END.

Authors Note: Review, pretty, pretty, please.


	14. Stolen Car

Authors Note: No reviews last chapter? Jackie, Brianna, and Tina are not in this chapter.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any episode, or character. Brianna Forman is mine.

ERIC FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY. A MONTH LATER IN FEBRUARY.

Hyde is running his hand on a scratch on the side of the Vista Cruiser.

HYDE: Forman man, it's a tiny little scratch and Red's never gone see it.

Hyde gets up.

ERIC: No, Red sees everything. He sees when I put cheap gas in the car.

KELSO: I got it! We'll put my "Gas, grass or ass?" bumper sticker over it! Uh, listen Forman, whatever happens, we'll all take the wrap.

HYDE: Yeah.

Red opens the kitchen door, taking out the trash. He slams the garbage bag in and then turns around, seeing the scratch.

RED: How'd you scratch the car Eric?

HYDE, KELSO and FEZ: Have fun, See you… later…

They leave.

RED: Well?

ERIC: Well, uh, sir, I was, uh, pulling out of this parking space, well creeping is more like it, I was creeping…

RED: You were screwing around you backed into a hydrant. I can see the paint marks!

ERIC: No! And by no I mean exactly. But it wasn't my fault sir, Kelso was giving me a…

RED: A what?

ERIC: Kelso was giving me a purple-nurple. It's when you grab someone's nipple through their shirt and twist it really hard… until it becomes purple.

RED: Gimme the keys.

ERIC: Dad, I…

RED: Your driving privileges are suspended until you learn some responsibility.

ERIC: Dad, I, I am very responsible!

RED: No, no you're not. Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

ERIC: See, when you say it thought, it just sounds weird.

OPENING CREDITS.

THE BASEMENT

Donna and Laurie are looking at a magazine.

DONNA: Oh my God: 'Hair does and don'ts of Olympic gold medallists.

LAURIE: Oh my God, is that Dorothy Hamel? She's a virgin!

DONNA: Speaking of… um, You know all those girls at school who do it like all the time?

LAURIE: Yeah.

DONNA: Alright, is it just me or do they seem more relaxed.

The door opens and the guys come in.

LAURIE and DONNA: Hi!

ERIC: Hey, what were you guys doing?

FEZ: They were talking about sex.

HYDE: Come on Fez, chicks don't talk about sex, man! It's dirty!

LAURIE: Yes we do! Especially when it involves Michael Kelso, my dream boat and love of my life.

HYDE: Oh great, now we have to talk about Laurie and Kelso's sex life. This is my worst nightmare.

DONNA: Alright, you know what? Before you guys got here, Laurie and I were actually having a pretty good time.

The guys look at each other. Donna and Laurie giggle.

DONNA: I know, I was surprised too!

LAURIE: Hey Donna, you wanna go upstairs to my bedroom?

DONNA: You know what? Okay.

They both get up, take the magazine and leave.

HYDE: What are you guys wanna do?

ERIC: We could walk to The Hub.

HYDE: Too far.

ERIC: We could walk to…

HYDE: Too far!

ERIC: Man, this sucks! I just can't believe that Red took away my car because of one stupid little scratch!

HYDE: I know man! Who would think Red would overreact?

FEZ: I did. I have noticed Red is a real hard-ass. One toe over the line, three cheeses you're a clobber, you know what I'm saying?

Kelso comes in.

KELSO: Hey guys. Check it out!

He shows them some car keys.

HYDE: Did you get a car?

KELSO: Yeah, my cousin Sully loaned me his wheels. So where to?

ERIC: You just wanna hang?

KELSO: Yeah.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

MIDGE: Snuckums?

BOB: Yes pookie?

MIDGE: Do you want turkey or tuna sandwiches tonight for dinner?

BOB: Tonight? Tonight's meatloaf night.

MIDGE: Right, but I have my class at the Community College in Kenosha tonight. I told you about it last week.

BOB: You most certainly did not.

MIDGE: Yes I did. Remember? You were watching Berretta.

BOB: Oh Midge, you can't tell me anything while I'm watching Berretta! It's complicated!

MIDGE: Bob, I've been telling you for months how I needed to expand my mind!

BOB: Is this about jewelry? 'Cause I'll buy you jewelry!

MIDGE: No sweetie, it's about me becoming a whole person.

BOB: Midgie, don't take this the wrong way, but that's just stupid.

MIDGE: Well I don't think it's your decision!

BOB: Well I'm the man of the house, and I say you're not going to Community College!

MIDGE: You can't tell me what to do you… big...ass!

She exits.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY.

Red is looking at the scratch. Kitty comes over and bends down looking too.

KITTY: What are we looking at?

RED: That scratch.

He points to the car. The camera changes angle and we see that there is no scratch.

KITTY: What scratch?

RED: The scratch that Eric put on the car.

Red starts rubbing the car.

RED: I got most of it out with a rubbing compound. You should've seen it before, it was doozy!

KITTY: Well, that must've been quite an accident. Was he killed?

RED: See, that's where his smart-mouth comes from. Driver's safety is serious business Kitty.

KITTY: Well, you're right Red. We should teach him a lesson. So when he comes home, I'll hold him down and you burn him with a cigarette.

Kitty leaves.

LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

LAURIE: Just so you know Donna, when I finally decide to have babies with Michael, I have the whole thing planned out.

Fantasy starts.

LAURIE: First, I'll be wearing a very sexy reinoir.

Laurie is on the bed wearing a white peignoir.

DONNA: Don't you mean peignoir?

LAURIE: Yeah, okay, whatever, stop ruining this Donna.

DONNA: Okay.

LAURIE: And then, there'll be candles everywhere. (Camera pulls back to reveal the candles) But also, there'll be a gigantic banner. (Camera pulls back some more to show a 'Laurie + Michael= Together For ever' banner. Then Michael will come in. (Kelso comes in, wearing a silk pirate shirt) And the wind will be blowing! (The wind blows and Kelso's hair and shirt are ruffled) Then, we'll have the most magical night of our lives. (Kelso goes to Laurie's bed and puts his hands over his heart)

Fantasy stops.

DONNA: So, if you have it all planned out, why are you, why are you still waiting? You two already had sex like a zillion times.

LAURIE: I want it to be really, really special.

DONNA: Oh, I mean, how could it not, with a gigantic banner?

LAURIE: Exactly.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

MIDGE: Bob doesn't want me to take this class, but it sounds so exciting! It's all about female empowerment. It's called 'The Woman Warrior: fighting female stereotypes'. That's the professor, isn't he cute?

She shows Kitty a photo of the professor.

KITTY: Uh huh, darling.

MIDGE: So, you wanna come?

KITTY: Oh well, I can't say I'm not tempted. Yes I can, I'm not tempted.

MIDGE: Don't you wanna become an empowered woman?

KITTY: Well you know, I just, I don't have time to be an empowered woman. I'm just too busy running this household and being the head of PTA for Brianna's school.

MIDGE: You're so lucky Kitty. You have it all, a great family and a great career. How'd you talk Red into letting you work?

KITTY: Okay, well, one day we sat down, we did all our bills and we realized we were gonna lose the house.

KELSO'S RIDE.

Hyde and Kelso are sitting in the front and Fez and Eric are in the backseat.

ERIC: This backseat sucks! It's too small. Fez's leg is touching mine!

FEZ: No, your leg is touching mine.

ERIC: I shouldn't even be in the backseat. You know, I should be driving my own car!

HYDE: Well the reason why you're not driving your own car Forman is because you're irresponsible, and you scratched it!

KELSO: Yeah, that's a good one! (Eric throws his arm in front of him and twists Kelso's nipple) Ohh! I'm trying to drive the car here man!

Hyde switches on the radio and starts switching channels.

ERIC: No, put it back, I like that song.

Hyde continues spinning the dial.

HYDE: Pipe down there backseat Charlie.

Hyde settles for a rock song.

KELSO: Alright!

ERIC: Backseat sucks!

FEZ: Welcome to my sad little world!

LATER, STILL IN KELSO'S RIDE.

The guys are eating burgers. Eric opens his.

ERIC: Oh great, no pickles, now we gotta go back.

GUYS: Shut up!

ERIC: Hey, why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?

KELSO: I don't know, maybe he's like religious or something.

HYDE: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?

KELSO: Yeah, people that burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.

HYDE: Why does his key chain say 'I love Bingo' ?

FEZ: Sully must love Bingo.

ERIC: Alright, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't Sully's car.

KELSO: Then whose car is it?

Police sirens.

POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM.

Fez, Eric, HYy and Kelso are sitting side-by-side.

ERIC: This is great, I'm dead. You know, when we were in my car and I was running the show, I don't remember one single time we all got arrested.

HYDE: That's true.

KELSO: Will you just relax? We're all in trouble here!

Eric looks at Kelso.

ERIC: Oh no, no, no! No, no, no! We're not all in trouble here! Your parents have seven kids, they won't even notice you're gone. (He turns around and faces Fez) Your parents don't even live in this country! (Eric turns and faces Hyde) And your mom probably one cell over. So that just leaves me. I'm the only one that's really in trouble here.

HYDE: Look Forman, I'll be in as much trouble as you are as soon as Edna sobers up.

FEZ: I will be deported. They're gonna send me back to my home land, the beautiful island of…

Policeman comes in.

POLICEMAN: Okay, who's the ring leader here?

Kelso, Hyde and Fez point to Eric.

KELSO, HYDE and FEZ: He is!

Policeman gives Eric a dime.

POLICEMAN: You get one phone call!

FEZ: To anywhere?

POLICEMAN: One local phone call.

He leaves.

HYDE: So, who should we call?

ERIC: I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

FEZ: I, um, don't know my phone number.

HYDE: Can't call Edna man, it's poker night.

KELSO: No offense, but isn't every night poker night for Edna? (Hyde punches him) No, no, no, I got it! I'll call Laurie! (Eric gives him the dime. Kelso gets up and moves to the phone. He puts the dime in and starts dialing) She's got a checkbook.

ERIC: My big sister doesn't have her own checkbook.

Camera goes back and forth from the jail cell to Laurie's bedroom. Laurie is on her bed. When Laurie talks, the camera's in her room, and when Kelso talks, it's in the jail cell.

Laurie picks up the phone.

LAURIE: Hello.

KELSO: Laurie! Oh, Thank God you're home! I was driving a stolen car and I got arrested.

LAURIE: Oh, Michael, this is just like the book: 'Prisoner of Love' where Cliff, the rugged yet sweet motorcycle mechanic was thrown into jail and then his true love Tasha was forced to be a slave before this really rich mean guy.

Kelso is shown as the rugged yet sweet motorcycle mechanic. HE has a mustache and the wind is blowing .

Mini fantasy stops.

KELSO: Laurie, I'm not kidding around! I'm really in jail!

LAURIE: Oh My God, are you okay?

KELSO: Yeah, I guess. But I'm a little cold. It's lonely in the joint Laurie.

LAURIE: Oh my God, you're really in jail! What if you never get out?

KELSO: That would really…suck!

LAURIE: Yes it would Michael. And I promise, the minute you get out of prison, I'm gonna prove my love to you, even more than I used to. I love you and I want kids now.

KELSO: Cool. Thanks.

LAURIE: Michael, do you even know what I'm saying to you?

KELSO: Yeah! No!

LAURIE: We're gonna make love more, you idiot!

KELSO: Alright!

He hangs up, extremely happy. He sits down again.

ERIC: You two have a nice little talk?

KELSO: Oh yeah!

ERIC: You know what's funny?

KELSO: What?

ERIC: Nothing because you forgot to ask her for help you moron!

Hyde punches Kelso again.

KELSO: God, you're right! Gimme another dime.

HYDE: We only had one dime! We only got one phone call!

KELSO: God! Someone gimme a spoon, I'm gonna dig my way out of here!

Fez is rocking back and forth. Suddenly, he jumps at Kelso but Hyde and Eric don't let him get Kelso. Fez sits back down.

FORMAN KITCHEN.

RED: Look at this, here we are sitting down to dinner. Eric is not even home yet.

KITTY: Well, honey, you took away his car. He has to walk everywhere!

RED: Walking is good for him.

KITTY: Red, why do you have to be so hard on him?

RED: Same reason my old man was hard on me. To prepare me for the world! You know Kitty, when I was his age, I could've parachuted onto a deserted island with nothing but a Swiss army knife and I had to survive.

KITTY: Well okay then, we've learned something. No sky-diving for Eric and Brianna.

RED: I tell you Kitty. The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they'll kick you right in the ass!

KITTY: Well, you're right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn't it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn't?

RED: Fine Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland!

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN.

BOB: I can't believe she went to that class! Married women do not abandon their families.

DONNA: Sure they do dad. It's the seventies.

BOB: I know what decade it is. Doesn't change the fact I'm eating a sandwich instead of a hot meal!

DONNA: Well, want me to microwave it for you?

BOB: I just don't understand why she needs this. I've given her a great life!

DONNA: Dad, that's not the issue! The whole point of the equal rights amendment is that so women don't have to define themselves by a man!

BOB: Donna, is this about clothes? 'Cause I can buy you and Tina clothes!

DONNA: This is pointless!

She gets up and leaves.

BOB: Hey, while you're up, you wanna get daddy a beer? Honey?

POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM.

KELSO: Eric, you gotta do something man!

ERIC: Me? And what about you Kelso or Hyde.

HYDE: I can't talk to cops man, I go insane with rage.

KELSO: Oh, and me too. Nuts! Whoi! Eric, you gotta help us!

ERIC: So now I'm back in charge? This is so typical! (He stands up) Okay, you know what? Fine! Once again, I'll suck it up, be the man, and save all your sorry asses! (Eric knocks on the door. The door opens) Officer, I need to talk to you, please.

The officer lets Eric come out. Eric closes the door and loses all his coolness.

ERIC: (crying) You gotta let me go! Please God! My dad's gonna kill me! He's gonna…

OFFICER #1: You stole a car kid. What kind of cop would I be if I just let you go?

ERIC: My best friend the cop? Look, it really wasn't my fault, we borrowed it from a friend.

OFFICER #1: Yeah, haven't heard that before. (Faces officer #2) Hey, guess what? They didn't really steal the car, they borrowed it from a friend.

OFFICER #2: Oh, actually they did. Turns out this guy Sully borrowed it from his grandmother, and she forgot and called it in stolen. Nice old lady though, she plays Bingo!

ERIC: Oh my God, this is great! So we're free to go?

OFFICER #2: Yeah, which one are you?

ERIC: Eric Forman.

Officer #2 hands him an envelope.

OFFICER #2: Forman? Is your dad Red Forman?

ERIC: Um, yeah.

OFFICER #2: You poor bastard.

ERIC: Well, thank you.

OFFICER #2: Yeah.

He hands him the rest of the envelopes and the two Officers leave.

Eric goes back into the room, closes the door behind him and throws the envelopes on an empty chair.

HYDE: So?

ERIC: So, call a cab, where's the problem?

KELSO: What? We're free?

ERIC: All charges dropped. Wait, that is what you wanted, right?

They all hug him.

HYDE: Let's get the hell out of here!

They all move towards the door and Eric tries the door knob. The door doesn't yield. They're stuck.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN

The kitchen is dark. Midge comes in and turns the lights on. Bob is sitting on a chair, waiting for her.

MIDGE: Oh, hi Bob.

BOB: Midge, I, I've been thinking. If taking that class made you happy then I guess I'm happy.

MIDGE: Oh, sweetie! It means so much to me and it's only twice a week, so…

BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought this was a one time deal!

MIDGE: Bob, you can't learn total female empowerment in one night! It takes ten nights!

BOB: Wait, unh-unh Midge you're not going back!

MIDGE: Aphrodite, the Goddess of War wouldn't take this, and neither will I!

She leaves the kitchen.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Red is sitting on the couch reading the paper and Eric comes in.

ERIC: Hey dad.

He starts running upstairs.

RED: Hold it!

He stops his run. Red puts down his paper. Eric comes to him.

RED: About the car… I know it wasn't… And I… You see when I was a kid… Maybe I came down… Here's the keys!

He tosses him the keys.

ERIC: Thank you sir.

RED: So, where have you been all night?

ERIC: Prison.

RED: Yeah, okay.

Red laughs and Eric goes upstairs.

UPSTAIRS IN LAURIE'S BEDROOM.

Laurie is on her bed, reading a magazine. Kelso comes in.

KELSO: Laurie!

LAURIE: Michael! You've been sprung!

They hug.

KELSO: You don't know what it's like on the inside Laurie.

LAURIE: Did they beat you?

KELSO: Yeah.

LAURIE: Damn those Police!

KELSO: Oh, no. It was Hyde, but he really frogged me!

LAURIE: Oh, poor baby!

KELSO: Thanks Laurie. (He closes the door behind him) Okay, so let's do this thing!

LAURIE: Oh, oh, this is so perfect! I don't even miss the peignoir, the pirate shirt or the wind!

KELSO: What about the banner?

LAURIE: It's okay. The important thing is I'm here with you. And I'm prepared to give myself to you, body, mind and soul, even better than I used to. Michael, this is gonna be the most magical night of our lives. I'm ready to have kids now.

KELSO: I love you Laurie, and I'm ready to have kids too.

LAURIE: (She takes his hand and leads him to the bed. They sit down) Oh, yeah, and one more thing. My parents are probably looking for us, so we only have like fifteen minutes.

She cranks up the radio, lights a candle. They start making out on the bed. The camera pulls up and we see a 'Love is … Forever and ever!' poster.

THE TAG.

Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are in the Cruiser. They're all eating burgers or drinking sodas.

ERIC: You guys enjoying your burgers? Got enough pickles and barbecue sauce on them? That's how 'Fatso Burger' does 'em. Lots and lots of pickles and barbecue sauce. Yes, yes.

GUYS: (from the backseat) Yeah. It's great.

ERIC: Got enough room back there?

KELSO: Actually, it's a little bit crowded.

ERIC: Good, that's the way it should be! Yes, yes. I feel like going to the movies. Where do you guys wanna go?

HYDE: Let's go to the reservoir.

ERIC: Movies it is. Yes, yes.

DONNA: Alright I feel like going to the reservoir.

ERIC: Reservoir it is. Yes, yes.

THE END.

Authors Note: Pretty please, review. Thanks! Oh yeah, this chapter marks a very big turn point for this story.


	15. Authors Note

AUTHORS NOTE: This is not a new chapter. This is a note saying that I am no longer continuing the story for the time being. I have ran out of ideas for it, I've turned to Grey's Anatomy instead, I am juggling between passing and falling classes in ninth grade right now, and lack of reviews.

The no reviews is the worst about writing and I don't want to stop writing for the story, but I don't think I should continue writing it.

You can PM me or message me on Gmail: avahchrissy[ ]gmail..com if you want to continue it.

But I'm not going to stop writing for good. So, watch out for my other stories and review so I'll know people are reading it.

Thanks,

ChrissyBrown1127.


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